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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my autistic child should be allowed to contact me?

188 replies

Seline · 15/02/2019 09:56

Son is 3 and being assessed for autism. Told it's likely he will be diagnosed and that they're also considering ADHD. He very obviously has both. I have fairly "bad" ADHD myself so I know exactly what it is.

Recently he's been having major meltdowns and outbursts of aggression at nursery. Throwing things, biting, kicking etc. He's speech delayed so can't communicate properly and often the other, older and more articulate children talk over him. The staffing ratio is 1 to 8 which is crap, I have barely any of these issues at home because I can see and intervene before we get to meltdown but they have too many children to do that.

Anyway my son is doing this because he is anxious. I nearly died and spent a lot of time in hospital and this is when his behaviour suddenly went like this. He keeps telling me he is scared I will leave him

I have told him he can speak to me whenever he wants and asked nursery to call me if he is distressed and let me talk him down. Firstly they told me no because it'll upset the other children, I said I think getting bitten will upset them more. Then they said the office phone is always too busy so they don't want him getting upset over not being able to use the phone.

I offered to buy a mobile phone and give to his key worker and that only I have the number to, and that they can tell him is a phone to mummy and to use that.

Got told no as that would take the key worker away from other children. I said but you're already away from them by spending half an hour calming his meltdowns down!

Asked if I could keep it in the office and one of the admin ladies could call me from it and supervise. Told no as their admin work is very important Hmm

This isn't fair is it?! They should be making reasonable adjustments.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 14:10

You're the naive one her.

You do not set a precedence that 1. Can not be maintained. 2. Will cause extreme stress when broken as again it can't be maintained.

The nursery do not have the ability to stop what they are doing and facilitate this request!!

Lumene · 15/02/2019 14:11

I can see why you would like that to happen, but if you want a care setting that can support that you need a different one - maybe a nanny.

Lumene · 15/02/2019 14:13

Whats the harm in the kid being able to ask to speak to his mum?

No harm but the logistics and needs of the other children in a mainstream nursery make it inappropriate/unworkable in that kind of setting.

Nomorepies · 15/02/2019 14:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 15/02/2019 14:25

I agree that something related to time (explaining that Mummy will be there when the hands on the clock are in a certain position perhaps) might help with the anxiety. Could you buy him a little cardboard clock and show him the time you pick him up? It wouldn't be too much for the staff to tell him the time when he asks. I know he's little,but just knowing you'll definitely be there when the hands reach a certain position could be a comfort.

I do get the anxiety. My Mum also had a life-threatening situation and a long hospital stay when I was three - apparently, I was also v. anxious afterwards and I don't have SEN.

It'll get better, OP. Flowers

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 15/02/2019 14:36

When I was little my playschool had a massive hourglass on top of the piano that we could all see running down. I think it must have been a six hour one or something. It was huge and suspended in a frame so every day one of us was allowed to turn it and when it finished it meant packing away time. Would something like that help?

JustTwoMoreSecs · 15/02/2019 14:41

You seem very critical of the nursery staff.
What steps are you taking outside of nursery to make his anxiety better? Same for his fear of hospitals?

TheFairyCaravan · 15/02/2019 14:52

@Seline I've sent you a PM with something that might help

babysharkah · 15/02/2019 14:56

He's got a lot going on hasn't he. Kids can act up after the arrival of a sibling, their world changes, and it sounds as if you've had prem twins so got rushed off in an ambulance and came back with nit one but two babies. Regardless of any SEN that's a lot for a little one to cope with.

lifetothefull · 15/02/2019 15:03

If you are not at work, I would keep him at home for a bit. There really is no rush to get him into nursery if it's not necessary.

DrPeppersPhD · 15/02/2019 15:12

@Seline
As someone with ASD and ADHD, let me tell you why the other parents are complaining about their children being scratched, it's because the world doesn t revolve around your child's SEN. Sorry if that's news to you, but SEN is not a licence for your kid to be violently lashing out, as much as I do empathise because I was that kid once.
Calling you is not an effective coping strategy in the long term, and getting him out of it will cause him more harm than good. A better way would be something to help him remember you're still here, that you're ok. I think as PPs have said, some kind of recording or something of yours is a much better solution, rather than pandering to him in the moment, he needs to learn how to cope with these things without you.

jamoncrumpets · 15/02/2019 15:20

My child is autistic and attends a nursery. He has meltdowns there. Sometimes really bad ones. We knew these would happen - he has them at home sometimes too.

If your child is allowed to contact you whenever they feel anxious or sad then they will not learn how to deal with their own feelings. This skill is important for both neurotypical AND neurodiverse children. Of course it takes longer for a child with additional needs to learn to do this, and as much support as possible should be given to ease their anxieties. But that support has to come from staff, not you.

What you are essentially doing, in asking for your child to contact you, is undermining the authority of the nursery staff. You're making this more difficult, not less.

NotMyUsualTopBilling · 15/02/2019 15:46

I work with kids who have Autism, we use social stories in situations like this and they usually respond well to them.

It's just a brief story (couple of A4 sheets of paper folded will do) with photos of familiar things and simple words explaining what is/will happening.

I would do;
P1 - Mum will take X to nursery today. (Picture of nursery building/door)
P2 - X can play with his friends (picture of nursery Room)
P3 - X will have snack (picture of snack table)
P4 - X can sing the goodbye song
P5 - Mum will take X home (picture of Mum)

It breaks down their time into routine and helps them to understand the process/sequence of events in a situation.

You would have 2 copies, 1 at home to read before nursery and the other with his key worker so he can look at it/have it read to him for reassurance.

I'd probably use alongside a PECS strip too, using the same pictures from the book but smaller. Attach a piece of velcro to each picture and stick them in order on to a strip of card, he removes each one as they finish e.g. snack time and knows he only has to do 2 or 3 more things before you arrive.

Comefromaway · 15/02/2019 15:50

I'm sorry too but as the mum of an autistic boy (about to undergo assessment for co-morbid ADHD) I think allowing hi to call you whenever is not a good solution and unsustainable.

PaddyF0dder · 15/02/2019 15:54

I have a son with ASD. I’m also a consultant child psychiatrist. So I feel I’ve got a personal and professional opinion on this.

I think nursery are right and you are wrong. He needs to learn that nursery can contain his distress, and that he is safe there. If you are “on call” for this, it will help in the short term but make it far worse in the long term.

Back off. Listen to nursery. This will not be the first ASD kid they have had there. Let them deal with it.

Original poster
Seline · 15/02/2019 17:14

Like how would he know you had nearly died in hospital? It's obviously been discussed infront of him and he's not been properly supported through that situation.
He saw my in hospital wired up with drips and unfortunately was there for part of the hemmhorage. I don't know how much he saw or what he understood. But he kept pointing at the drips. I also looked completely white and had sepsis developing so at one point spoke incoherently. So it must've looked frightening.

A few weeks after coming out I collapsed and it was found I had a post c section infection. This likely also upset him.

OP posts:
Dieu · 15/02/2019 17:18

YABVU (sorry!)

Dieu · 15/02/2019 17:22

How about you take him to Build-a-Bear to choose a bear for nursery. It can have a recording inside. Maybe something along the lines of 'remember that mummy is fine and I love you. Have a super day at nursery.'

PietariKontio · 15/02/2019 17:29

I think that some of the ideas already suggested, like a possession he relates to you that he can have access to when he's anxious, might be a better idea.

Also, would a visual schedule he can turn to be helpful, so that he can see what activities he has to come and when he'll see you?

My concern is that very often what you put in place for children with autism is very hard to change as they get older, especially if it's something they rely on to reduce their anxiety. Phone calls may be difficult to keep on with as he gets older and moves thru education. Having access to an item and a schedule might be more future proof?

PietariKontio · 15/02/2019 17:31

Also a social story can be supported with to understand where you are and , again, when he'll see you, and that he's fine and your fine might also help?

birdiewoof · 15/02/2019 17:50

I work in a nursery. I think YABU. Build-a-bear is a good idea.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/02/2019 18:53

Yes the teddy I mentioned upthread was from Build a Bear

Stormy76 · 16/02/2019 03:13

Your poor little boy has had a lot going on, perhaps full days in the nursery are too much for him? Maybe reduce the length of time and slowly build it back up. A play therapist sounds like a great idea, he needs some kind of therapy to help him process what has happened. I wonder, have n any changes at the nursery itself that may be triggering him? If the nursery isn’t working out then take him out because all parents are sympathetic and understanding until their own child is the one with a black eye and if it was your child coming home with bite marks etc you would be upset as well. The other parents do have the right to be upset about that.

ChickenNuggetsChipsAndBeans · 16/02/2019 03:26

Op..you could try a talking photo album.

Something like this:
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B009JYTOGE/ref=psdcmw_213?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 16/02/2019 03:28

OP do you have anyone to talk to about your own anxiety and coping mechanisms? It seems like you have been through a really tough time and are struggling with this a lot. It’s possible your little one is picking up on this when you drop him off. Others have given good advice and are correct that nursery staff will have managed situations like this before, you need to trust and work with them rather than attacking and fighting against them