To think my autistic child should be allowed to contact me?

[Seline]

Son is 3 and being assessed for autism. Told it's likely he will be diagnosed and that they're also considering ADHD. He very obviously has both. I have fairly "bad" ADHD myself so I know exactly what it is.

Recently he's been having major meltdowns and outbursts of aggression at nursery. Throwing things, biting, kicking etc. He's speech delayed so can't communicate properly and often the other, older and more articulate children talk over him. The staffing ratio is 1 to 8 which is crap, I have barely any of these issues at home because I can see and intervene before we get to meltdown but they have too many children to do that.

Anyway my son is doing this because he is anxious. I nearly died and spent a lot of time in hospital and this is when his behaviour suddenly went like this. He keeps telling me he is scared I will leave him

I have told him he can speak to me whenever he wants and asked nursery to call me if he is distressed and let me talk him down. Firstly they told me no because it'll upset the other children, I said I think getting bitten will upset them more. Then they said the office phone is always too busy so they don't want him getting upset over not being able to use the phone.

I offered to buy a mobile phone and give to his key worker and that only I have the number to, and that they can tell him is a phone to mummy and to use that.

Got told no as that would take the key worker away from other children. I said but you're already away from them by spending half an hour calming his meltdowns down!

Asked if I could keep it in the office and one of the admin ladies could call me from it and supervise. Told no as their admin work is very important

This isn't fair is it?! They should be making reasonable adjustments.

I think you should stop collecting him late as well. Even before you mentioned it I suspected if he has ASD the noise etc at pick up might be really distressing. My son really can’t cope with the sensory overload in noisy environments. That coupled with the fact he’s already got anxiety about you coming back and has to see everyone else go away with their mummies before you come I can’t imagine will be helping. I’d try and get there to collect early.

Phoning isn't a good idea.

Nursery should be instead applying for extra funding for him to have his own keyworker who can work with him and support him so he doesn't get so distressed.

Children with send are entitled to support to help them develop the skills they are delayed in.

So glad they’re now able to provide increased 1:1, that will make a big difference. We only ever did half days with DS, and we had to ensure we were first in the line when the doors opened so that he could see us amongst the sea of parents faces.
I think you being there front and centre at pick up will help diminish his anxiety quite quickly. Has the nursery got an hour glass which he can turn over after snack time (if that coincides with being an hour before pick up of course). Our DS’s nursery set out a train with five carriages for him (he loved trains). His 1:1 set herself thirty minute timers and together they removed a carriage every 30 minutes. When there were no carriages left it was pick up time. Maybe something like that would help?
Our kids have had very bad separation anxiety, and we’ve never been through a trauma like you have. Even within our home, if I left the room to go into the next room they would become distraught because they thought I’d gone forever. I know your son’s anxiety increased at the same time you were in hospital, and that’s genuinely why he’s so upset, I guess I’m just trying to reassure you that these extreme fears can develop even when a child has never been separated from a parent for a prolonged time. And at age 3, death is quite a difficult concept to grasp usually. If the increased 1:1 and you being there at pick up first thing doesn’t help then I would consider counselling intervention of some type once his level of understanding has increased a little, but I suspect that he’ll become more settled again with the strategies you and the nursery are putting in place.

You say you have adhd, have you been assessed for ASD recently? Obviously I know very little about you other than your comment you don’t like crowds and the noise and that you have adhd, but I’m quite passionate about female presentation of ASD and the underdiagnosis. So many grown women are now finally being diagnosed, and it’s making their lives make more sense and they feel like they can finally stop beating themselves up for not trying hard enough in social situations etc.

The playmobil hospital is a great idea, and comes with so many accessories. It’s one of the best value for money playmobil sets in my opinion.

The aggression is the fight or flight coming out in him because essentially anxiety is designed to keep you safe. Talking to you will sideline it for a while, it won't make help it in the long run.

And what happens when you can't take that call? Feeding the baby, driving, etc? Because one day it will happen, and his anxiety will explode.

Put together a sensory box for him. Photos of you, and his favourite things, a note from you reinforcing you will be there at x time to pick him up, a blowing activity (it calms the breathing, my dd loves bubbles). Something to squash, something to manipulate, something to look at.

Send him to nursery with an item to "look after" for you until you pick him up.

Let him take a teddy, make it smell of you. Give it hugs that he can "use" when he needs one.

Give nursery a step by step action plan. They aren't always going to be able to see him start melting down, so they need to know what to do when he does.

They will need to encourage him to use his space, and use his tools as he won't always know when the anxiety is going to hit. Tell them his shows...what does he do as his first signals that anxiety is rising? My dd pulls at her clothing and scratches her neck.

Talk to him about how anxiety works, and why. Anxiety is normal. We all have it, it keeps us safe. But with him, and my dd, it works over time and sees non threatening situations as threatening. I tell my daughter that we need to help her brain calm down (that's what the sensory box is for) and train it to start recognizing true threats, not perceived ones (she is 10, so maybe easier for her to understand)

Pick him up 5 minutes earlier, or later than the others. Ask the staff to allow him to sit in his quiet space until the noise/scuffle has passed.

Be careful with LED lights, they can flicker and hum. This causes my asd friend to disassociate (not dangerous, but she stares blankly, doesn't communicate and can't function) so be aware of that. You don't want to add to this.

The problem with this is it isn’t tackling the core problem, in fact it is feeding it I agree, especially with letting your friend listen to you with a stethoscope, it is only feeding his anxiety.

I found this site helpful www.heysigmund.com/

Something to squash

Squash
Something to manipulate

manipulate

Something to watch

Weighted toy

NB These are on an Australian site, but should be easy to find with a quick google.

You say you have adhd, have you been assessed for ASD recently? Obviously I know very little about you other than your comment you don’t like crowds and the noise and that you have adhd, but I’m quite passionate about female presentation of ASD and the underdiagnosis. So many grown women are now finally being diagnosed, and it’s making their lives make more sense and they feel like they can finally stop beating themselves up for not trying hard enough in social situations etc.

When I had dx with ADHD I was told it's very likely I'm autistic myself but I didn't take it further as there's no treatment as such, it's more just useful for my own understanding

@Seline without meaning to be rude, I’d be very surprised if a professional said that to you in such a blaze manner!! It’s not something ppl just throw around. This thread has given you lots of suggestions but to be honest you seem to reveling in the “woe is me and my son” and “what is EVERYBODY else going to do about it!!” Unfortunately it starts with you, you CANNOT just randomly say oh I have autism...when you don’t! And your son has no diagnosis as of yet so you should just say he is having difficulties (instead of throwing labels at it yet!!) if you are not willing to go to counseling to sort out your own head then nothing is going to change unfortunately. 🤷‍♀️

@Youmadorwhat To be fair, she said her son is being assessed for asd. Yes her title called him autistic, but I am guessing that was a short cut rather than a statement.

Also, asd in women/girls can be misdiagnosed as adhd, so may be very likely that op is autistic.

Open isn't being woe in me, she is looking for help and suggestions and with this being a supportive place (save one or tow judgmental arses) I guess she thought it a good place to look for support.

There are a few things op can be doing to help her son, and some she maybe shouldn't do, it will take a while to take in all this information, so let's give her time instead of berating her. That just makes you look nasty, to be fair.

Op, ignore Youmadorwhat. Some people have nothing better to do than pull others down.

excuse spelling. It's late here.

@Seline it wasn’t an attack. sorry you felt it came across that way. I no what word I was using I just couldn’t be arsed spelling it to be honest.

To be honest I just find your messages to drip feed a lot and as I suggested therapy/counseling would be very beneficial but you don’t want that.

I honestly didn’t see the part where you said you gave adhd /anxiety you definitely need to try some Cbd etc

@differentnameforthis i am well aware of female diagnosis of asd is hard so I get that. As I said I didn’t see the adhd diagnosis part.

‘When I had dx with ADHD I was told it's very likely I'm autistic myself but I didn't take it further as there's no treatment as such, it's more just useful for my own understanding‘ That’s good Seline, glad you’ve got good insight :)

Sorry if I was a bit rude there you. I struggled my entire life with certain things until I was dx with ADHD and it pissed me off that I felt like you were accusing me of lying when I've suffered for it.