Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

[Raella50]

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

Unless youve had fertility issues yourself you can never know what its like. It is so hard when people announce pregnancies even sisters and best friends. Dont give up on her.

I think you just have to accept that she is finding things very difficult.
I don't think you should have to leave your baby behind to meet up with her.
Just keep messaging her, tell her that you are thinking of her and will be there when she feels ready.
Tell your family the same thing.

I know it is very hurtful, but I don’t think she wants to ignore your son for ever. To get over the initial hurdle though, maybe coffee for an hour at a local spot without your son might just break the ice again? If after that she still can’t handle seeing you unless you’re alone then that would take a lot of thinking about, but if there’s the possibility of one catch up without him then maybe that’s what it’s going to take.

Being sensitive to her situation is not pretending your son doesn’t exist. The coffee meeting is a first step, no one is asking you to pretend your son just isn’t around permanently.

AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son
Yes definitely. As someone who's experienced infertility but been lucky to have 2 children, I can confirm that there infertility is extremely painful emotionally and the sense of injustice overwhelming. She probably wants nothing more than to be happy for you and meet your boy, but her overwhelming sense of loss and envy means that she can't do so at the moment.

Respect the fa t that you are very fortunate not to have gone through what she is experiencing and respect that she will need more time to come to terms that you have what she wa ts more than anything else in the world. Your boy is of course the most amazing thing in in your eyes, in hers, he represents what she can't have at the moment.

Infertility is horrible.

I’m know this must be very hurtful for you but infertility can absolutely break someone. I doubt your sister wants to feel bitter and jealous towards you and your baby but she probably can’t help it, despite trying with all her heart.

I've struggled with fertility myself. It is incredibly difficult. But your sis is behaving really badly - are you really saying you've barely seen her since you got pg, she hasn't met her nephew or offered you any support after a difficult birth? Where's your mother in all this, because frankly your sister needs a little bit of a (supportive) reset on this.

I'm also a bit that your whole family is turning this on you, poor thing. I hope they're also supporting you?

Meeting your sister without your baby isn’t presenting that he doesn’t exist!

You may not be able to meet without him from a practical point of view - my baby was an on demand grazing feeder who I didn’t leave for a long time.

But if you can leave your baby, why wouldn’t you?

You cannot give your sister full attention with a small baby around. And it might really hurt her to be around you with a baby.

You have been really loving and supportive so far - but now you haven’t seen her for some time, it will be easier to break the ice without a baby.

She does have to come to terms with this, she needs to find a way to accept that you have a child.

But I don’t think it’s a big ask to meet without the meeting being dominated by your baby’s presence. I think it’s quite a small thing to ask, actually.

Being infertile doesn’t give her a pass to treat you and your son like crap. How long do you allow her then? 5 years? 10 years?

^^ this

I’m with greendale

You can't force a relationship between your sister and the baby.

If she's had fertility issues than no contact with babies may be how she has decided to deal with it and you'll struggle to change that.

I’m surprised at these responses tbh, she’s being a dick and I wouldn’t have been as nice about it as you’ve been
Having fertility issues doesn’t mean you hate everyone else in the world with a child ffs - she needs to grow up!

Your sister is obviously struggling; having struggled with fertility myself I can sympathise. However, I didn't refuse to see people with their babies, it just perhaps took me some time to be able to put my emotions aside.

Your sister's been through IVF, which is an expensive, hormonal, emotional thing. She needs time. If meeting you for coffee without your child is a good first step for her, then why not do it?

Yes, infertility doesn't give anyone the right to treat anyone else like crap, but if you make the first move it might really help her see that she can still have a relatively with you and, ultimately, your child.

Sorry OP but YABU. Your son has everything to do with her struggles. He represents what your sister wants more than anything else in the world. Be patient and give her time. I've been fortunate enough not to have fertility problems but I know people who have and I cannot even begin to imagine how painful it is.

I can understand why you feel hurt, and I do think your sister could do a bit better, even if just sending a gift or card. But that said - think how much joy and love your baby gives you, and how much you are looking forward to all the years ahead. Now try to imagine that your sister may never have that in her life. It is unspeakably hard.

The rest of your family isn't "taking sides" - nor are all the posters here who are urging you to be understanding. Sounds like your family are celebrating your baby, they are just trying to tell you that you need to be patient with your sister and give her time. I think having a meet up without your son is an excellent first step. If you love your sister as much as you say you do, you won't judge her for how she is trying to cope with something deeply upsetting to her. Give her time.

*have a relationship with you

I now have 2 children but spent 6 years dealing with infertility. Despite plenty of competition I can honestly say the worst I have ever felt was the day my little sister told me she was pregnant. It focused all the pain and grief I felt onto that one event, because the baby she would be having was the closest thing to the hypothetical baby I couldn't have. It wasn't rational but at the time it felt like the end of the world. God it was hard to move on from.

But my sister was so sensitive. She talked openly with me about what I could handle. She got me to make toys (I was a keen knitter at the time) for the baby, so we could talk about that as an easy way in and not about the pregnancy itself. Gradually I separated my grief from the actually wonderful news that I was having a niece.

That hasn't happened here. She's had time to dwell, which probably hasn't made things better. I don't mean to say she's behaving well but if you also let your emotions drive this by being angry, you'll lose her.

If you want a healthy relationship in future, follow your family's suggestions. Start small and gently.

I am sure she is finding things very difficult but there are limits to what is reasonable and she is beyond them. at the very least she should have the courtesy to tell OP that she needs time instead of just being cold and ignoring her. Infertility is sad and awful but it’s not fair to punish OP when it’s not her fault.

I would also add that she isn’t behaving in this way to be a dick and she isn’t trying to treat you and your son like crap as PP have said, from my experience she’s trying to save herself. She loves you and she will grow to love your son but right now it’s too much for her to bear.

I also think there needs to be more of balance here. There are two sisters here with different needs and challenges. One with infertility shouldn't get to override all the needs of the other, especially when the sister who has had a child is so understanding. Compassion needs to swing both ways.

When family ask you to put her needs first tell them you love her and are there for her put that you also need their love and support. Your joy should not be affected by another's pain, we should support each other.

I think the way she’s acting is quite wicked actually. I can totally understand why you’re hurt. He exists, she needs to find a way of accepting that he exists. He’s a completely innocent little being and to not want to meet him is totally peculiar to the point where I’d assume her struggles have left her mental health in tatters and she has no idea how badly she’s behaving. Would I meet her without my baby? I’m not sure. Probably if you want to rebuild your relationship it might be the only way.

It’s still early days. I haven’t been through infertility so I have no idea how hard it must be and how much it hurts to see others have babies.

Hopefully she will come round in time and make an effort with her nephew.

If she NEVER wants to see your son then you won’t be able to have a proper relationship with her. But that isn’t your fault.

Your family shouldn’t be taking sides, you haven’t done anything wrong.

Being infertile doesn’t give her a pass to treat you and your son like crap
She's not treated like crap, she is ignoring them mentally because she is not at the moment in a position to pretend how happy she is for OP.Surely OP can give her a bit more time.

The family is supportive of OP's sister because they are able to show empathy when OP at the môme t seems to be lacking.

I’m going through similar with my sister, only my ds is 18 months and she still hasn’t acknowledged him or met him.

She does have a 9yo dc and has been going through secondary infertility for 6 years.

She's cut out everyone who has been pregnant/had a baby in the past few years and I worry she’s going to end up with no one.

My family are also taking ‘her side’ as such - when I announced my current pregnancy, rather than their initial reaction being congratulatory for me, it was ‘aw no, poor sister, she’s going to be devastated’ which was a huge slap in the face because I’ve done nothing wrong and shouldn’t be expected to not have a child because she is struggling. (I actually had a mmc last year so had expectations of them being pleased for me)

I don’t have a solution as I’m in the same position but just wanted to let you know that it seems like a common thing to happen and that you’re not alone in going through this.