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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

488 replies

Raella50 · 15/02/2019 09:37

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Notonthestairs · 15/02/2019 10:03

I appreciate things from your perspective. You've had a life changing event and want to share it with the people you are closest to.
But a quick coffee to bridge the current gap might be a good way to start the process.
I'm not going to defend her actions. I've had IVF, I didn't behave that way to either of my sister in laws. But thinking of the long term and how you want this situation to change. If she is the sister you describe she will be grateful for your kindness - and get her act together. If she doesn't then I'm afraid you are going to need to take a giant step back from her. I hope for both your sakes it doesn't come to that.
Congratulations for your baby!

Spikeyball · 15/02/2019 10:03

Why can't you be the bigger person and meet up once without your son if that is possible? I would if the relationship was important to me.

Travisandthemonkey · 15/02/2019 10:04

Yes you should see her without your baby and talk.
It’s that simple. She’s struggling to be the bigger person for a seemingly valid reason even if people think it’s not on. So you could too. And then you’ll lose your sister.

So it’s up to you really

LunaTheCat · 15/02/2019 10:05

I have been through fertility treatment , it is gruelling and heartbreaking and for me never ended with a live child. I have met midwives and paediatricians having fertility treatment - both without success. It is hard but part of maturing as an adult is leaning to deal with losses. Your family are enabling her anger and you are being the butt of it. She is not treating you well. She is punishing you for your son. Unfortunately you cannot change her but you could talk to your family. You also must be grieving for your relationship with your sister. Make sure you fill that space and nurture friendship with other women and above all with yourself,
💐💐for both you and your sister.

thecatsthecats · 15/02/2019 10:05

greendale - I wouldn't say she's treating her nephew like crap. She's just not seeing him. He has no innate need to see his aunt.

Yes, she's not seeing and supporting her sister like she used to, but there's a pretty understandable reason for her difficulty. She isn't choosing to feel like this.

I agree with PP that you should see this first catch up as an icebreaker. It may or may not work, but refusing to be separated from your son for the duration of ONE COFFEE says quite a lot about how much less important you see the sister-sister relationship you have than the aunt-nephew relationship you want.

toomuchtoolittle · 15/02/2019 10:05

My brother and sil have through 7 rounds of ivf and they have never acted like this towards the 2 babies I've had in that time. They are the best uncle and aunties ever and couldn't wait to meet them as soon as they were born. I think your sisters being a dick really. Infidelity problems shouldn't be an excuse for ignoring you and your baby. That's her nephew 😱
My best friend also has infidelity problems and she is the best support to me and my family,she adores my kids as we do her.

I understand it must be hard for your sister but that is just horrible.

BishopBrennansArse · 15/02/2019 10:07

I'm with greendale too

Travisandthemonkey · 15/02/2019 10:07

No two people deal with the same situation the same
Unless there is some massive drip feed this has obviously affected your sister quite traumatically.

Blackbear10 · 15/02/2019 10:08

I think the way she’s acting is quite wicked actually. I can totally understand why you’re hurt.

What a crock of shit.

Of course the sisters isn’t behaving wickedly. She is in immense pain and anguish.

Those saying the sister is behaving badly have absolutely no clue the depth of pain this woman will be feeling.

I think it’s callous of the OP to even consider meeting her sister again after a period of no contact with her new baby! Who would think that’s an ok thing to do???

And I’m sorry but secondary infertility although highly painful and devastating should not be compared to complete infertility.

ChipsAreLife · 15/02/2019 10:09

Will she end up avoiding everyone who has a baby/children? I feel for her I really do but maybe she needs to see a counsellor to help her.

I know a lot of people who have suffered with infertility and never know this reaction. It seems rather extreme and she will end up probably very lonely and sad.

Your family shouldn't be taking sides, you've done nothing wrong

Shelby2010 · 15/02/2019 10:10

I’m someone you suffered from infertility for a long time & went through 6 IVF cycles before I had DD1. In my opinion your sister is being completely unreasonable. Her unhappiness doesn’t give her a free pass to spoil the arrival of your child. I wouldn’t expect her to be coping over your baby but she could send a card or even a text.

Everything is not about her. And no, I wouldn’t pander to her by meeting up without my baby. I hope that she is successful in having a child of her own, but I suspect that this attitude will continue & would continue to snub your child.

Congratulations on your baby & I’m sorry your family aren’t being more supportive.

mirialis · 15/02/2019 10:10

Why can't you just try to meet up with her without your baby for an hour to talk to her about how you are both feeling? If she won't do that, or the meeting goes badly, fine then at least you tried.

thecatsthecats · 15/02/2019 10:11

Wicked is a very strong word. To me it has connotations of deliberately inflicting pain and I think it's a horrible way to characterise this behaviour.

I just wanted to add that the fact it is her nephew will make this stronger. I'm not an 'aww babies' person except to my relations, so it will probably be an intensifying factor.

Shelby2010 · 15/02/2019 10:11

cooing not coping. Blinkin autocorrect

BishopBrennansArse · 15/02/2019 10:11

I do say that as someone who tried for 3 years to have a child - was told by a gynaecologist I'd need help to conceive. The OP hasn't deliberately had a child to spite her sister, it hurts like hell when something this happens of course it does but to take it out on your sister and her child is awful.

Ericthesnake · 15/02/2019 10:14

I've struggled with infertility and I wouldn't behave like your sister.
I wanted a close relationship with my niece.

However I do understand how difficult it is.

ohfourfoxache · 15/02/2019 10:15

Trying once is one thing, but if you do try and she refuses, or if it goes badly, you need to stop and let her come to you. I know she’s going through a horrible, horrible thing but you haven’t had it easy either, and I’m sure you would have benefitted from even a little of the support that you’ve shown her over the years. This isn’t your fault, but you’re being punished regardless.

Sweetpea55 · 15/02/2019 10:18

Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side

What do mean,,'taken her side'? Do you mean they are concerned for her?

My youngest daughter went through IVF,, During the process her St-sis announced she was pregnant with her second DC,, YD was very upset, not because she was jealous, but because her goal seemed so far away and inaccessible,, She congratulated SS and wished her well then asked to left alone for a few days,, We all understood. After a couple of days she was fine and looking forward to seeing the new baby,
IVF is soul destroying, It consumes your every thought and is not pleasant ,We all seemed to be going through it with her. Thankfully, one shot was all that was needed to give us a beautiful grandaughter

Emelene · 15/02/2019 10:19

It's so hard OP. I haven't been through infertility and it seems there are contrasting opinions from PP over whether her behaviour is "acceptable". All I can say is in your position I would feel hurt too. It sounds like you've tried to be really caring and understanding. You sound like a lovely sister and I hope the two of you can regain some of your relationship. Enjoy your gorgeous baby.

lljkk · 15/02/2019 10:20

This has been going on ever since she found out you were pregnant?
Are you guys competitive as well as close? Is she much older, is your relationship not as healthy as you thought?

Egads. I have no advice but that would hurt me, too.
Your... blessing, is not at her expense.

MadMum101 · 15/02/2019 10:20

IME people who behave like this were horrible before having infertility problems. I agree about not pandering to her, it'll just give her more ammunition.

She obviously isn't the sister you though she was OP. Will you be able to just forgive and forget for the way she has treated you and shunned your son if/when she does get pregnant and then wants attention from you?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 10:21

Will she end up avoiding everyone who has a baby/children? I feel for her I really do but maybe she needs to see a counsellor to help her.

Maybe she is? IVF clinics always insist you have at least a token counselling session, and lots of people with fertility issues have counselling - but it isn't an instant or total fix. I had counselling when I developed mental health problems after recurrent miscarriage and it helped, but I still really struggled to see my SIL who was due to give birth a few days after one of my miscarriages would have been. I did find it much easier once my nephew was born, but not everyone does.

I don't think the family are 'taking sides' here - they're not saying 'oh you shouldn't have ever had a baby because it upsets your sister'. They're saying 'maybe you could try doing one quite small thing to see if you can repair the relationship' - and I agree with them.

I've been in both positions - I've been the person struggling other people's pregnancies (see above), and I've been the person who had a close friend avoid and cut her out when I was pregnant, and then show no interest in my baby when he was born. People always say 'they're both painful', but they're both painful in the way a papercut and a broken bone are both painful. Being the one desperately wanting to be pregnant was so many, many times worse than being the one who had what I wanted and just had to deal with not every single person in my life being overjoyed about it.

livingdownsouth · 15/02/2019 10:21

Another post in favour of you OP. As someone who struggled with secondary infertility for 9 years I never once felt the need to shut out a pregnant friend - one of whom had 3 children whilst I was struggling. If your family can't support you as well as your sister then that is their issue. Congratulations on your baby

lunicorn · 15/02/2019 10:22

My sister had 2 children before and during the time I had IVF. I felt a little sad about our 2 different situations but it wouldn't have occurred to me in a million years to behave in any way differently due to her children.
I know we're all different, but she's taking this a bit far.

evaperonspoodle · 15/02/2019 10:23

I can imagine your sister is deeply hurting but IMO she IBVU not to even acknowledge the birth by text or card. Blanking you completely is very shocking, you are her close sister not a distant relative and I don't think I could forget that.

My SIL had loads of rounds of IVF over 10 years, going abroad to several different countries after the NHS rounds finished. We were always very low key about any pregnancies/births in the family but she was an absolute star and never kept away, she is a doting aunt in fact.

Personally I think people are being unreasonable suggesting that the onus is on the OP to meet up and let her have her say; I think I would take the stone silence as her not wanting to meet up. Be kind to yourself OP, you have been through a lot and need to focus on yourself now.

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