Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

[Raella50]

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

Twitter, I am for real.

Are you going to respond to anyone OP?

'She should still want to be there for you'

Yeah, feelings don't really work that way

People have no idea how much shame is attached to this kind of grief. You're painfully aware that you 'should' be cheerleading and whooping it up because a baby has arrived (and there is extra pressure on women to do this), but you just can't. You're broken hearted and painting on a big smile for everyone else's benefit is just not an option. Add in extra layers of shame about feeling like your body is defective, you're an inadequate woman, this is never going to happen for you, you will never be able to move forward etc and it's pure hell on earth.

People are also making it sound like OP has tried endlessly to make the peace here, but she's done it exactly once:

She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that.

I'm not saying that OP should be making endless concessions to her sister, but I'm not that sure that she's made any?

OP. It's so sad that your sister has distanced herself and that your relationship has suffered.

Just forget about her. Tell your family the ball is in her court and she now needs to contact you and you will meet at a time that is convenient for your new baby.

I'd just make sure that you won't be willing to seep this all under the rug should she fall pregnant now. She has set a precedent for how she wants the relationship to be.

I'd just make sure that you won't be willing to seep this all under the rug should she fall pregnant now. She has set a precedent for how she wants the relationship to be

Do adults actually think like this?

I have previous experience having helped a couple with fertility issues and to be honest, while I feel bad for them, a lot of the time they are totally oblivious to how everyone else is feeling and totally support each other in feeling resentful against close family/friends who have gone on to have healthy children yet still expect everyone to fall over themselves accommodating them.

It is a huge burden to bear, but they’re grown adults and to behave like that towards someone they supposedly care about and a small child is narcissistic and selfish.

My child was born stillborn, and while it stings when I hear of friends becoming pregnant, I worry the same will happen to them and would never turn my back on them. Also, while it is a reminder, they’re living their own lives and as a friend I should be happy for them.

I was devastated this week when my SIL (DH's sis) announced she is pregnant - as at the exact same time, my IVF round had failed. She is the same age as me. I will be avoiding talking in depth about her pregnancy with her as it hurts.
A casual friend, who I bumped into at the clinic on blood test day, got a positive blood test the day I got a negative. I'm happy for her.
So it is very easy to find certain people's pregnancies harder than others when you are infertile.

The fact that you are so close is making it harder for her. In her head it is why is it easy for you but not her. It's the innate unfairness of it all. It is no ones fault it is just the way it is.

So meet her on her own and don't make a big deal out of her not seeing your son yet. Ask her to rescue you for the house as you need to grown up time!

Infertility isn't an excuse to act like a dick, she is being very unreasonable.

I feel for you OP. For different but similar reasons my (very close) relationship with my sister has really deteriorated since I had my baby, and she has only met her niece about 4 times (DD is two). I'm heartbroken about it and sometimes feel angry for DD and sad for myself. But I try and remind myself it is her issue and that she is probably struggling in her own way, I can't help her and I can't force it so I just have to not let it poison what time we do spend together. Hopefully one day things will change.

hug however, it is rubbish. Is she your older sister? Mine filled a big 'mother' role for me and doing without her leaves me feeling a bit bereft.

I think it's really hurtful that she hasn't sent a card or said congratulations.

It smacks to me of not being pleased for Op which is dreadful.

@JacquesHammer she has hurt the OP. If she wants to talk it through LUKE AN ADULT then she can do so with an apology

But she can't expect to get her BFP and then have the OP fawning over her news and wanting to do fun things together.

She had to distance herself to protect herself. That's fine. But she can't expect for everything to go back to normal on her say so.

I understand she is grieving and in pain. But as her sister surely she knows she can voice this? Nobody is asking her to turn up overjoyed at the arrival of her nephew, just to acknowledge him? To address the pregnancy, the birth of a new human in her family, to talk about it? To open dialogue about how she feels? But to just shut the door?! She's hurt, but she's also being hurtful.

Contraceptionismyfriend

What a sad way of thinking. Tit for tat is pathetic.

I simply couldn’t treat someone that way.

I'm in a similar situation although it's my brother and sister in law who can't have children. I had our first child just after she'd had an early miscarriage, I was very sympathetic and just said come and meet your niece when you're ready etc, no pressure. They did but then didn't see us again for months. I then got pregnant again 9 months later but my sil just couldn't handle it and didn't see me or have any contact with me all pregnancy, then when our baby arrived they refused to meet him.

He was 6 months old when we accidentally bumped into them at my parents house. My sister in law left the room and then when my brother tried to hold our son she barked at him to put him down as they had to leave.

I had thought they had both started to get better as our youngest is now 18 months old, my brother is great and loves seeing the kids. My parents do all our childcare so have our children a lot, just yesterday my dad told me that he's really angry at how my sil just ignores our children, she wouldn't even look at them nevermind acknowledge them and this has been going on for a long time (I'm never there so I didn't realise, I assumed she was ok now).

I was full of sympathy but now I'm wavering. My mum said a while ago that we can't pretend our children don't exist, they are a huge part of our family so she needs to accept that. I feel bad they didn't get to have a family like us but there comes a point that you are being rude, my sil is at this point now.

My sister has been way more sensitive on this issue than the suggestions being offered here and as a result our relationship has not suffered. First up, she said she would completely understand if I felt i needed to keep my distance for a while and to feel free to let her know any time if she was putting her foot in it, rubbing salt in the wound, asking too much/too little... in showing that level of empathy and 'getting' how crushingly difficult infertility is, she made is so that I did not feel the need to keep my distance or suffer in silence.

OP you are not being unreasonable about being ignored-frankly you've tried all you could and I'd be heartbroken if my sisters ignored me or my baby boy. Frankly those defending her have myopia- I cannot have another child and that never kept me away from close family members who did

Oh FFS, some women (and men) can have kids and some cant - thats the way it is. I can't. Did I feel bad about that, hell yeah, for years - did I not see friends and family who had kids because of it, hell no. You should not be feeling bad OP and I feel for you. I feel for your sister too defo, but she should be behaving better. Hope your little one is well xx

Frankly those defending her have myopia- I cannot have another child and that never kept me away from close family members who did

No, we just acknowledge that self-preservation comes in a variety of ways. The way you do things is only right for you, nobody else.

It wouldn't be tit for tat @JacquesHammer

If someone doesn't want a relationship with me and if they upset me why would I then want to run back to them upon demand?
OP can have her own life full of happiness without her sister.

She can protect herself from hurt. Just like her sister.

I have no idea why behaviour like this due to fertility problems is viewed with sympathy. Nothing else in life would be. My parents are dead. I still ask after other people's parents and if I see them, acknowledge them.

I'm sorry to put it like this, but try to imagine if it was possible, that maybe your parents would be coming to life again, and you just had to wait for half of each month to see if they would, or go through a medical procedure that might help them come back, and sometimes you were told they were alive but in a different room for several weeks or months but then they left before you could see them and you went through the grief all over again. And all around you see people whose parents have come back to life successfully, that it's seen as a normal thing to do. And then your sister says your parents have come back to her and she can see them whenever she wants.

I don't think it's helpful to compare types of grief or loss but I am just trying to explain why I think infertility and miscarriage can be so acutely debilitating (even if you already have a child) - there is a constant sense of hope being dashed and of not being able to do something so normal for others. When I eventually had a successful pregnancy I struggled to sit in the antenatal clinic as I had shut myself off from pregnant women for so long as self-preservation.

OP, the best friends to me during the time I was suffering from recurrent miscarriages were those who acknowledged it was hard, who stayed in touch, who talked about other stuff, who told me sensitively when they were pregnant, who showed me they hadn't forgotten but weren't hiding their own lives. It was toughest of all with my sister and we did reach a point where she got cross that I had avoided her. We had a heart-to-heart and she understood better and then I was able to pretend better and although I cried when she had the baby I did it alone. And you know, once I met him he wasn't my baby and I loved him for who he was and I am a pretty good auntie! And now I have had my own baby too and feel like a fog has lifted, a weight that I didn't truly understand has been taken from me. I really hope you and your sister can get through this and even if she doesn't have her happy ending she can get to the point of enjoying being Auntie.

If someone doesn't want a relationship with me and if they upset me why would I then want to run back to them upon demand?

Because I don’t believe in holding grudges. It simply affects you, no-one else. I would rather be the one to go “running back” to restore a relationship. I don’t think blame matters.

Could you not @ me please. I’m reading the thread but despite turning notifications off I still get them. Thanks

'Make peace' implies that the op has done something wrong.
I understand that the sister is in pain and needs time to get through it.... but the op does not need to act like shes done something malicious to het sister!
Op I think you've done the right things in reaching out once then giving her space... you've let her know you are there for her when shes ready but you also haven't pandered to her sense of injustice.
I would not meet someone without my newborn baby either. I dont care who they are to me or what they've been through.
I have compassion for people going through infertility but I also have compassion for people struggling with a newborn and dealing with physical and psychological birth injuries. None gets to win over the other... both are lucky and unlucky in different ways. It's important to be kind yes but it's also important to have boundaries and not ignore your own needs. Your sister is being unreasonable... and yes there is a sad explanation for it that deserves some measure of compassion... but to bend over backwards to accommodate her when she has put no effort into having compassion for your situation is actually not helpful... because it validates her attitude...her attitude that you have somehow got one over on her and that it's okay to ignore and be cold to your own sister who has just gone through a traumatic birth.

So I think letting her know that you are ready to see her when she is ready, is good enough.

OP I'm with you. This happened to me with my closest friend of 20+ years. We now both have DC.

I was physically pushed away, and subject to snidey remarks about my pg. told not to announce my pg to mutual friends who were about to announce their pg (wtf!!?) because they'd had a mc previously and I couldn't possibly understand their pain... 'Heartlake you have to let them have THEIR moment'.

Comparisons to her SIL who'd had multiple MCs, I was asked to agree that ' my SIL is ok, at least she can get PG'.

It drained me for about 2 years when I had my first DC. Eventually I wrote friend a letter saying how genuinely worried I was about her, how I missed our longstanding and close friendship, how I'd do anything for her if I could, how I'd sacrifice our friendship for her happiness if needed.

She came back to me a couple of days later asking what I wanted to know. She'd interpreted that letter as me just wanting more info.

I tried even after that but my heart wasn't in it by then. Then I spent probably 3 years grieving the loss of that close friendship... i don't have much family.

Feel for you OP. Your sister is devastated... but now you're both on the verge of losing your relationship. Keep the door open my all means but take each day as it comes.

Sending hugs

'I cannot have another child '

That is simply not the same as facing the possibility of not having any children at all, when you are longing to have a baby

Some of you have no empathy whatsoever. How would you feel if I told OP to just get on with it, because she has a new baby and 'should' be happy, instead of moaning about her sister?