Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

[Raella50]

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

She is being a dick, but women with fertility issues get a pass on awful behaviour. I’m infertile myself but it’s never had an emotional impact on me. Maybe I’m lucky.

I think that is so hurtful for you and I say that as someone who has endured 9 IVF’s a miscarriage and no “take home baby.”
Yes it hurt like hell every time someone announced a pregnancy or had their baby and there were times I ducked out of events and get together’s.
So many times though I bit the bullet, bought lovely presents and went to visit friends with new babies. I tried so hard to be happy for them whilst being so sad for myself.
I would have loved a niece I could have been close to.
I guess you can’t force it but keep gently reaching out and let her respond if and when she is ready. A meet up without your baby would be a good start.
She must be hurting dreadfully to do this and you sound sensitive to her feelings, give it more time.

Even with her fertility problems, which I can understand is causing her pain - her behaviour is disgusting.
Your sisters, she should be able to at least have one visit to meet your child even if she keeps it very short.
I would call her out on her behaviour, she's making it all about her as though your not important.

I also think that 'punishing you', 'taking it out on you' and 'treating her nephew like crap' is all a bit strong given that she's just not seeing you. If she was going to joint family events and having a go at you or being nasty about the baby then that would be totally different - but she's avoiding you, not actively being nasty. It's probably exactly the fear that she won't be able to be nice/happy enough that makes her want to avoid the situation altogether.

I can understand why you are so upset. I went through ivf, failed the first couple of times then had dd. So I do understand the pain your sister is feeling but it sounds as though it is has become far more of an obsession for your sister then it was for me. It also appears she is defining herself as the injured sister and her thoughts are probably pretty destructive.

Yes. Your sister is definitely behaving like a child. But you love her and want to have a relationship with her. It sounds as though mentally she’s in a really bad place. So if you want to rekindle the relationship it’s going to have to come from you. And on her terms.

Perhaps your family is trying to explain this to you but in a way you cannot understand and it is coming across as them against you and siding with your sister. If you are all close, is unlikely they mean it this way.

So if you do want a relationship with your sister, you are going to have to do it on her terms for the time being. She doesn’t have the ability. She needs treating with kid gloves and hopefully this will put you on the path of healing your relationship and getting your sister back and introducing her to your ds.

Of course it’s unfair to you after the difficult birth. Unfortunately we don’t all get what we want and need. If you dig your heels in too you will have to say goodbye to your relationship with your sister.

I've never had fertility problems but imagine it would be absolutely heart wrenching.

Since you two were previously close you have to just accept that welcoming your son is too difficult for her at the moment. This is something neither of you can change immediately through force of will. Don't make it into an issue of "taking sides". Accept that she can't cope with seeing or hearing about your son, at least for now, and decide whether or not you can have a relationship with her outside of that.

It sounds like you have a large close family so you have plenty of people to adore your son and share your joy with. Yes it would be nice to have your sister to do that too but at the moment it's not possible. I would have compassion for her as out of the two of you she's the one in the difficult situation.

Did she not go to the big family birthday meet up you were arranging when you were pregnant - the one with the difficult cousin?

I’m so sorry she is finding this hard but how long is she going to ignore her nephew for? And how long do you have to pretend your son doesn’t exist. Bad form of her, although I appreciate she is finding this hard.

Given you are so close to your sister I would absolutely go and see her without your son. You know your baby is precious and loved, he doesn’t know or care about your sister.
I am sure she doesn’t mean to hurt you, she must be in a very bad place.
Accepting that she can’t cope is the first step to the two of you staying in contact.
I would leave the door open, send her your love and enjoy your baby.
Celebrate your baby away from those that are suffering, and make the most of his babyhood. You don’t need to feel resentful of her, if you are making the most of him regardless of whether she can be part of it or not. Your baby just needs you and dp remember that 💐

I don't think the OP is in the wrong here at all, it feels like she's being punished for having a baby !

YANBU to feel hurt or annoyed but the "grow up" brigade have no idea how soul destroying infertility can be. She's not behaving well and is probably aware of that, hating herself for it but finding it too hard to have joy for anyone even her sister... infertility turned me into an incredibly bitter jealous twat, and no it's not ok to be like that...but infertility does that to you too often.

I expect a few will be along to say they didn't let it do that to them... good for you. Not everyone can.

My husband and I struggled for years to conceive. After finally getting pregnant I had a MMC. Within a month of that happening my SIL got married and they practically had a honeymoon baby. It was like a dagger to my heart. The pain was intensified because my SIL suffered HG and every time I met my MIL (which was weekly), her only topic of conversation was her DD's pregnancy and how much she was suffering. It was gutting. However, I was able to rise above and DH and I were amongst the very first visitors after baby was born, and I never stayed away from visiting.

I totally get though that some people just can't deal with their emotions. I would agree with PP that a gentle first meeting without your DS would hopefully pave the way to repairing your relationship with your sister. Keep talking to her about her IVF journey and supporting her and maybe she'll be brave enough to want to meet her nephew, though be prepared for that to be a difficult occasion, possibly with lots of tears. Congratulations on your baby OP.

I can vividly remember the pain in the period when I was losing multiple pregnancies and those around me were giving birth to healthy babies. I thought my heart would break. However, this behaviour is beyond the pale. Does your Dsis treat, for example, her work colleagues, her friends, in this way? Or does she feel she can do this just because you are family?
Go along with your DM’s suggestion and meet up once for coffee with your sister and see what comes of it but don’t feel obliged to make any more concessions.
Your sister needs to realise she can’t carry on like this indefinitely. If/when she has her baby will she expect support and joy from you?
Don’t allow this to spoil your enjoyment of your wonderful baby. All the best

👍I’m surprised at these responses tbh, she’s being a dick and I wouldn’t have been as nice about it as you’ve been
Having fertility issues doesn’t mean you hate everyone else in the world with a child ffs - she needs to grow up!

Make sure, OP, not to post any baby photos online as that would be like rubbing salt into your sister's wound.

It took me 12 years to get my baby whose now 4 weeks and I saw everyone I know have babies.

What I don’t understand about people like your sister is children are everywhere, there is no avoiding the fact that most people have children quite easily and they exist

What has she got to gain from ignoring you I don’t know

I think your sister is treating you unfairly. Regardless of feelings on both sides your son will be a part of your family for the rest of your life and she can't just ignore that fact because it's difficult. I hope you both are able to find some common ground and get through this, and congratulations on your baby 😊

ITs a very sad situation for you OP and of course you are not being unreasonable to be very hurt and sad.

However- she is your sister and its clear she is in a lot of pain. Could you be the bigger person and reach out? Could you message her and say you want to see her and that you are having a hard time and miss her being around?

Say you know it will be hard but she is a very special person in your babies life forever?

I dont know about meeting without the baby - I would find that very difficult to agree to but if one coffee without baby around fixed the hurt between you it might be worth it?

Think of her as grief stricken for a baby she hasn't had. Grief makes people behave in very strange ways.

I just wonder how this would have gone if, instead of texting her and saying 'get back in touch when you're feeling better' you'd told her you loved her, wanted to support her and asked how to make it better.

Also, while I normally understand secondary infertility can be as painful as primary and I know watching friends have babies can be very painful there is something extra knife twisty about a sister having a child when you have none and have been trying for years. For me it was the first grandchild - my parents were suddenly no longer (in my head) with me in my loss, because they were becoming grandparents. My younger sibling would never be the fun aunt but would be the experienced parent. The baby looked like me, like the child I thought I would never have, in a way my friends children didn't.

And to the pp saying 'unless her mental health is in tatters', can I just say: yes, that sounds about right.

Her behaviour is dreadful. I have no idea why behaviour like this due to fertility problems is viewed with sympathy. Nothing else in life would be. My parents are dead. I still ask after other people's parents and if I see them, acknowledge them. I have friends who are unhappy single, they still attend weddings and speak to their friends husbands. Imagine if we all treated people badly because they have something we don't have.

As someone with fertility issues imho a friend or a relative having a baby is infinitely harder for me than seeing strangers or acquaintances with their children. It's not nearly so in your face or painful as it is when it's someone close to you.

Make sure, OP, not to post any baby photos online as that would be like rubbing salt into your sister's wound

Don’t be ridiculous. Why shouldn’t OP be able to show off her baby to her friends if she wants to? Why can’t she celebrate having a son like everyone else?
Although I have sympathy for the sister, it’s her problem to deal with, not the OPs.

I've been on both sides of this coin and it's hard when everyone is getting pregnant around you - it must be even harder with a sister. I\d be lying if I said I never felt jealous and in some cases slightly resentful when I got that news. However, I always genuinely delighted in my close friends' babies once I'd got over the initial inner 'argh its not fair dialogue.'

She's obviously struggling to do that for whatever reason but it does sound a bit as if she's set up a you vs her situation and your family members are enabling this rather than gently showing her it doesn't need to be that way. If she manages to get pregnant eventually and has a baby only then will she truly understand how upset you are right now and possibly regret her actions (hopefully it won't be too late but you may find it hard to forgive her by then). For now, it sounds like she's too far down the rabbit hole.

I feel really sorry for you that she won't acknowledge that you've had a child - it must be so incredibly hurtful - not matter how much empathy you feel for her situation. I do, however, agree with others, if meeting her for a coffee without your baby is an acceptable first step to fixing the situation then maybe be the bigger person and give it a go - otherwise you could find the relationship gets beyond the point of no return.

TwitterQueen1 Fri 15-Feb-19 09:56:42
Sorry OP but YABU. Your son has everything to do with her struggles. He represents what your sister wants more than anything else in the world. Be patient and give her time. I've been fortunate enough not to have fertility problems but I know people who have and I cannot even begin to imagine how painful it is.

No he doesn't. Why is it acceptable for the sister to take this out on the baby? He's done nothing wrong. The hypocrisy here is ridiculous. Just look at the threads about the IS woman, loads of posts saying the baby is innocent and has nothing to do with what the mother has done yet loads here are saying its ok for this sister to shun the baby.

I don't think you do treat her with kid gloves at all, I think you have a serious conversation about her behaving like a dick and to stop it. I cant have kids - I never behaved like this. Sometimes life is like this - my sister had kids, I couldn't - I didn't behave like a twat, I visited, bought gifts and behaved like the fab auntie I am!

Infertility isn't a free pass to treat other people like crap. The OP should be able to enjoy her baby without her own family treating her like she's done something to feel guilty about. Cutting your own sister off because she's had a baby is an awful thing to do - your parents etc should be telling her to make an effort. Not sending a card at least, was terrible behaviour. If she carries on like this, the relationship will be irreparably damaged.