Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

[Raella50]

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

To anyone doubting the absolute hell of infertility. After our fourth IVF failure my husband killed himself. Yes it was because of infertility.

God, that's awful - I am so sorry - but I understand how it came to it.

I’m so sorry your family seemed to have supported your sister over you- it’s wrong.

I wonder if the sister feels that they're taking her side - I bet she doesn't. I know it's with the best of intentions, but I don't think your mum is being that helpful here; she's making you feel like she's more concerned about your sister, but she may well be making her feel exactly the same about you.

'I doubt wallowing in a big black hole of misery will help her'

Oh FFS. Yes, much better if she just grows up / gets over it / puts her game face on / makes a different choice. Doesn't she realise people are only trying to HELP???!!!

Some of you really do live on a different planet

Leigh, that's utterly harrowing and I'm so sorry

I really hope you get the outcome you want Op. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a tough time

I don't think that infertility automatically trumps the OP's feelings. I'd be very hurt and shocked if my sister cut me off for having a baby.

OP, you've had tons of replies and unsurprisingly they vary in reaction, support etc.

Ultimately you have to decide how you want to proceed. Your sister is clearly struggling and can't cope with babies in her life. We could all debate the rights and wrongs of this to the end of time.

But I think you need to ask yourself what you want to do. Everyone is hurting, it's a terrible situation. But it sounds like you are probably the one more mentally equipped right now to make the first move. Even if it's just another phone call/message to say you love her, you miss her and when she's ready you'd love to see her.

I suspect you won't find peace until you are least reach out to her.

Sending hugs to you.

Enjoy your beautiful son. Think compassionately about your sister. It is not at all unreasonable to be hurt by her actions, but think about how awful she must feel that she has distanced herself, and give her some time to work through how she feels. Grief, sadness, depression, jealousy, worthlessness - just a handful of the feelings she will be having as a result of her infertility. The pain is like no other, and I very much doubt she is happy with the choice she is making here either.

It’s so tough because, as an aunty, I would be absolutely devastated to miss out on my nephews, and when she feels better, I suspect she will feel the same. It’s lose-lose for her.

Personally, I went through hell to have DD. Five long years of disappointment, three IVF cycles, three harrowing miscarriages and finally a baby. I had to cope with a nephew due in the same week my miscarried baby would have been born. Also, a pregnancy announcement from my younger brother during my first IVF cycle, which also ended miscarriage. It was hard, but I did go to see the babies and I held them and then cried my heart out when I got home. That was my choice, and she has made the one that is right for her.

KM99 is absolutely spot on with her post. It is hard for all involved.

KM99 that's a lovely post.

Despite my defense of your sister on this thread OP, which was nothing to do with you but was against posters labelling her a dick and a horrible person for situations they clearly do not understand, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all in your pain or upset. You've both obviously been through some really awful times. I think as others have said, your sister is probably not the right person to support you through this and that's unfortunate but it would be immensely difficult I imagine and a lot of people wouldn't be strong enough for it. I hope you find the support you need elsewhere though.

However, that being said I think it's great that you've messaged her and that you've been able to put aside your hurt and make the first move. I really hope she responds and you can have that conversation and hopefully move forward.

The likelihood is she won't feel this way forever, it will probably get easier as time goes on. I hope one day you can get back to having that close relationship and with your son too. It sounds like everyone just needs a bit of time right now.

I already had all of my nieces and nephews before we started IVF so it was easier for us as they were embedded in our lives and we could see them as children who we love.

I did, however, cut off many close friends for many years as they became pregnant and had children. A few understood. Most did not. The ones who did not are the ones for whom conception was easy and who demanded we pay attention to their newborns at a time when we were going through IVF.

Everything failed for us. My husband died because of it and still I had people who didn't understand that infertility led me to lose EVERYTHING. My past, my present, my future. Once my husband died that was it for me, all hope had gone because I wanted his baby and wanted something of him to continue. Him dying made infertility worse because I felt that even if I'd lost my husband, if we'd had children there would be something left of him. Instead he is gone, completely utterly gone.

It is hard to come to terms with the knowledge that your own family is only going to continue through your siblings lines. That for you, that is it. Nothing. All gone. And that is why is it more difficult if the person having the baby is your own sibling, part of you, that particular genetic mix that is your family and to which you can't contribute future generations.

I have lost my beloved husband and my mother. I have lost four much loved and wanted babies. Losing the babies will always be worse.

I feel for you, OP because you have had a rough time and you are hurting. However, I can do that because I am a stranger on the internet and I never have to deal with the reality of you being a mother while I am not. You sister does and although you may have had a rough time, you both survived ams you have a lifetime of being a mother to your child. For your sister that is probably very unlikely.

If you know your sister as well as you imply then surely to god you know she isn't doing this on purpose/to be nasty. She is struggling with the ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIC world of infertility. Something that you should be eternally grateful that you have not experienced.

So amongst all your joy of your wonderful new child, spare a thought for the hell your sister is trying to come to terms with (and probably never will). Have a think about how you can help her rather than berating her

This just isn't fair.

I understand this wis difficult for her but the way is is acting is so hurtful and selfish. What was the expectation? That you would wait for her to get pg 1st?

Sorry your having to go through this. I think it's unfair everyone's siding with her. This is such a precious time for you and it's unfair they are shadowing that. Your sons birth should be celebrated

@Purplecatshopaholic what a legend!

After that I’m going to just leave it until she contacts me and hope sincerely that she does. Thank you again all.

This is a good and self-preserving response.

Ultimately, though, the fact that you BOTH let it get to this stage shows that you simply were not as "close" as you thought.

You are not in the wrong here, but you do just have to accept that you were not that close to have let it get to the stage when neither of you could say "hang on, this has gone really bloody weird and we need to meet up NOW just the two of us and talk this out."

That doesn't sound fair, mirialis. OP said "I did reach out to my sister quite a few times whilst pregnant but after she ignored me for while and then acted cold at our Grandma’s"

OP talked about nearly dying in childbirth. I wonder if the sis knew OP almost died.

Nearly lost a living sister (& nephew to be) but still priority is to pine after unborn.

You're right. I'm a cowbag. I'll never get it.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh I am so, so sorry for your losses. And your strength is immense.

OP, your sister will need time. I don't think she's deliberately being a dick, its just all encompassing for some.

I have a friend who cannot have children without complex help or adoption and her partner won't go down those routes and she has become very ill over it.

We all react differently. When I experienced my losses, I had friends contact me before they went public, to let me know in person that they were expecting. I was actually totally fine with it, I was always happy for everyone. It was also kind for them to think of me like that. Similarly, a friend of mine endured a terrible loss and we were due one day apart, I gave her a lot of space and she was eventually in a better place to talk to about it. She had another baby last year and all is well.

If you can meet briefly without your baby, do it at least the once. It isn't that she won't acknowledge him; its that her heart is very broken and we all know how to do self preservation and avoiding triggers is one of those things at this stage in her grief.

Mich love to you x

I think this thread really lacks compassion and understanding for what the sister is passing through. It is really unfair to call her selfish and saying that she is being hurtful.

From the perspective of someone passing through fertility problems, the sister is not thinking that she should have got pregnant first, I am sure she is eating herself up about the way she feels towards her sisters baby. There is so many things you pass through as a women when you have fertility problems and she is not thinking straight at all. It really sounds like the sister requires professional help and I would be very worried about her if she was my sister.

I think the users that are being quite harsh on the sister perhaps do not understand what it feels like to have fertility problems and thats fair to a point so your only saying what you think based on your own experiences. However, the pain that her sister is feeling is so intense and she will most likely be really struggling to a great extent.

When you pass through fertility problems you undergo great psychological problems such as:

1. I feel like my body is broken and cannot do the one natural thing I was made to do.

1. I worry how this will affect my marriage, if I cannot get pregnant will my husband eventually leave me for someone else who can give him a baby.

1. When doing IVF, you have hope but then what happens if it does not work, the body is put through so much during IVF and the women went through all of that for nothing.

1. Concerning others getting pregnant, you do not think they should not get pregnant first but instead you actually think, why can some people get pregnant so easily that is very natural for them and she (and others) can't.

1. If she has had a miscarriage then this is also heightened to the pain as you no longer just worry about can I get pregnant but even with IVF you may still not be able to carry a baby to term.

1. When you have things such as PCOS, endometriosis, cysts and other related medical problems it is really traumatic to deal with.

1. Waiting for the period every month, praying so much that it won't come and you get a BFP but you don't.

1. Even after your period comes, your so desperate for a baby that you convince yourself your pregnant.

1. After so many rounds of failed IVF, you use your frozen embryos, you search cor answers, even consider donor eggs, adoption as you so desperately do not want to give up and always want a plan B.

These are some of the things the OPs sister is feeling or passing through. We have no context to understand the extent of her fertility problems. We do not know how many failed IVF rounds she has had, the OP said she's been battling this for a couple of years so I imagine she has had a traumatic time of it.

The OPs feelings are important, she is not less important than her sister but what her sister really needs is time to heal. I would really kindly ask that people on this thread remember that no matter way you look at it, what side you take, this concerns other women who are feeling loss, upset and betrayal. It could have easily been you who has experienced infertility and I really would never wish that on my worst enemy!

You have no idea who this person is, he is someone you do not know and your are judging her and the only users concerned with her is those who have been there themselves and can understand what it is like. I am thinking that perhaps she had a failed round of IVF recently or something has dramatically changed in her journey when the OPs son was born. She might have told by a Dr. that its the end of the road for her and we do not know her from Adam to call her selfish when for all we know we may be suicidal or she cannot even get out of bed in the morning.

Even though there was no baby yet for the sister, when you cannot get pregnant through a variety of means it really is the biggest loss you can experience apart from maybe death of a loved one. To top it all of it really does have major consequences on a marriage and puts strain on it. This is all very sad and upsetting and many users who are defending the sister are doing so because this thread is hitting home to what they have experienced or are perhaps still experiencing.

Baby dust to everyone who is struggling with fertility and for those who just started trying or haven't yet, I really do wish you never go through this and get pregnant 1st time trying. Sincerely I really do as its a joy to get pregnant and should be celebrated but its also kind and loving to understand someone else's situation and what they are passing through also.

Oh Leigh

I’m so, so sorry. You always speak so much sense and are so lovely in your posts. You don’t deserve to have gone through what you have

My DSis and I were in a very similar position to you and your sister 10 years ago, but I had moved forward and was in the process of applying to adopt. She had a traumatic pregnancy, with gestational diabetes, a lack of amniotic fluid and then she had an emergency C section at 32 weeks due to pre-Enclampsia. She nearly died and lost her baby. Thankfully they both survived.

At times I wasn't as sympathetic as I could have been during that pregnancy (I didn't realise how ill she was before the emergency C section tbf) because I was still raw after years of infertility. And she never really understood what infertility does to you. But we kept talking and we remained close ultimately.

Now, her DD is 10 this year and so is my DD1, who came to live with us the following year. (They're very close, too! )

You should talk to each other. It doesn't really matter who's had it harder ultimately. You've both had a really hard time and you need each other.

That doesn't sound fair, mirialis

No it probably doesn't sound "fair" or "nice" or "sisterly" etc. etc. but it's true - if you are that close you do not let it get this far, to the point that both sister is feeling aggrieved and neither one is prepared to be the one to say "can we meet up the two of us and just get this straight". Which NEITHER sister has done.

I have three siblings to whom I am "close". There are two where this could not happen to us (and I am the multiple miscarriage, failed IVF, can't-afford-to-do-more sister) and others where it could happen (and sort of has in one case, although there was so, so much other "backstory" going on there but I'm sure it's been put down to my infertility bitterness and my life is easier if Iet that story continue).

If you are that close, you do not let it get to that stage without a proper protest. Someone not returning your calls and you simply telling them "you know where I am" without anything more? No, that is not a "really close" sibling relationship.

Leighhalfpennysthigh aren't enough, nor are words. I'm so sorry for your losses.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh I'm really sorry for your loss, there are no words. That's just horrific.

Excellent posts @deadliftgirl 

@ohfourfoxache thank you and everyone else who has written kind words. I'm a long way down the line now and have made peace with my situation. But I still remember the all encompassing blackness and how people who found it all easy didn't understand or even try too. Like a lot of people on this thread. I just can't believe some of the comments about this poor woman, such callousness.

Yes Leigh. I need to stop looking at threads like this because they are exactly the sort of thing that can drag you back into the black hole of misery we are berated for "wallowing" in.

I am so sorry to have read your story. I can see how easily it can spiral. I'm currently working on not turning into "The girl on the train".