Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

[Raella50]

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

@mirialis we've all been there. She is just fiction. You work through it in your own way and look after yourself first and foremost.

Have read nearly the FT looking for updates from the OP. My opinion on this would depend on the OP's situation. She says she "found out" she was pregnant so not clear if she is in a long standing relationship where ttc was on the cards and her sister would have known that and been prepared for it in some way or whether this was an accidental pregnancy which I would imagine would be extremely hurtful for her sister struggling with infertility. The fact that the rest of the family have taken the sister's side makes me wonder about the OP's situation. Apologies if that is not relevant and of course she deserves the joy of motherhood without feeling she has to wait for her sister to successfully conceive. However, if she is a lot younger and wasn't even ttc then I can understand why the sister has taken it so badly.

I had fertility issues and 11 miscarriages and never in a millions years would I have done this. My nieces and nephews mean the world to me and would never have held it against anyone else for having children. It hurt like hell watching everyone round me have children but I don't thinks it's fair to take it out on other people. I've been really lucky and now have two children but I can still remember the hurt that I felt so I know how much you're sister must be hurting but I don't think you're being treated fairly

never in a millions years would I have done this

But everyone is different.

@SoupDragon
I completely agree that we're all different but I can only give thoughts from my own perspective, it's up to other people to voice theirs. I think this whole situation is horrible for everybody involved and feel sad for both sides

To anyone doubting the absolute hell of infertility. After our fourth IVF failure my husband killed himself. Yes it was because of infertility
Really sorry to read that . So sad

Can’t we see both sides here ? Op is suffering and OP sister is suffering . At some level she must know how bad she is being which probably makes her feel shitter

It’s very hard to understand the pain if you have not experienced it . I have of course had pain in my life but not this

My friend with cancer had IVF which failed and contributed to her early death . Did no one say ‘all these hormones will aggravate your cancer ‘ . Yes she was an amazing friend and managed to acknowledge my kids despite the double pain of infertility and spreading cancer

some level she must know how bad she is being which probably makes her feel shitter

Avoiding a situation that you just cannot cope with because it is too painful is not behaving badly. She is just protecting herself and looking after her own health - all those things some of you are very quick to say to new mothers. Why can't we have the same respect for our health?

I can't believe that you actually read my post, quoted it and said it was sad and still not get what I was talking about.

God this is desperately sad. Give your sister all the space and time she needs and if she can't be in your life, know that there is nothing you can do but understand. My heart's a little broken with people's experiences of infertility. Just so unfair. to you OP and your sister and @Leighhalfpennysthigh and everyone else who has been dealt the cruel and indiscriminate hand of infertility.

I am Sorry Leigh
I struggle to understand why she can’t just send a message . Say this is too painful
For me . I can’t cope right now . I love you but I can’t cope . But coldness ? Nothing ? I struggle with the view that infertility is such an immense pain that it excuses seemingly callous behaviour . There are other pains . As you have tragically seen having been through it and bereavement and child loss .
Anyway I desperately don’t want to argue I just struggle with some of the views and don’t understand it that’s all .

Leigh, so sorry for the tragedy you've experienced and thanks for sharing the feelings you've experienced. Talking about the pain of knowing you won't pass on the genes in the family is one that those who haven't experienced infertility probably can't fully comprehend.

What I don't get from those who say the sister is selfish and should see her nephew is would they really prefer their sister to force themselves to do something they dread, expect them to pretend and lie and that thrm doing so would make them happy just so that they could show off their new brood?

I could never feel happy knowing that my sister is forcing herself to show happiness when deep inside her heart is breaking apart. I would much much prefer to be patitnt so that when she does reach out its because she can do so with some peace.

Having fertility issues myself, every announcement, birth etc breaks you a little more inside. The only way I can cooe is to withdraw when I know there will be children there or when I could be subject to baby talk. It's so so hard.

What I don't get from those who say the sister is selfish and should see her nephew is would they really prefer their sister to force themselves to do something they dread

I don’t think she should at all . But she could Communicate her pain to her beloved sister and clarify . One message . Could help alleviate a lot of pain and hurt with someone she has loved all her
Life

But she could Communicate her pain to her beloved sister and clarify
I agree with that, even a simple 'sorry, really wish I could see you and baby but right now it is too painful, just be patient with me'.

However, OaP's issue seem to be that she thinks her sister should want to see her son as she got annoyed with those suggesting she meets with her sister without her baby.