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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

488 replies

Raella50 · 15/02/2019 09:37

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Bear2014 · 15/02/2019 11:22

This is a really tricky one OP. I can see both sides. Infertility is terrible and lonely and it is painful when anyone else has a child. BUT you are her sister and I don't necessarily think that she can be excused for not acknowledging her nephew at all. Plus from her point of view, she could surprise herself by bonding with him and even finding comfort in the auntie-nephew relationship, as has happened with a couple of friends of mine who have been unable to have their own children. She probably does just need time and to be handled with sensitivity.

I am in a lesbian relationship and both of my DC are IVF. My sister and her DH suffered from infertility, and after a couple of years of trying had their DD by IVF. We had a bit of a rift in this time as DSis was adamant that I had no idea what their 'infertility struggles' had been like and how painful it had been, because we had not tried for so long or been diagnosed with infertility. I had to tread on thin ice when pregnant with my second as she had not yet managed to get pregnant. Despite the fact that we spent thousands on treatment and suffered failures and a miscarriage, apparently her successful, free, NHS IVF had been more of an ordeal. Then when her DD came along it was as if she was the most miraculous baby to ever be born with the hugest fanfare you have ever seen. She then got pregnant naturally with her second within the year. She still talks about the pain of it all, which despite trying to rise above it irritates me more than I can say. Sisterly relationships can be fragile enough so in order for you to move forward, you are probably both going to have to meet in the middle.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 11:22

Again. It's not holding a grudge. I just wouldn't want a relationship with someone who thought that little of me.

Sukochicha · 15/02/2019 11:23

Infertility seems to be given a higher status of 'worth' in terms of how sad you're allowed to be, and how you can act towards other people.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 11:23

I just wouldn't want a relationship with someone who thought that little of me

See that’s what I don’t understand. It’s not that the OP’s sister thinks little of her, it’s that she’s in such a hellish place that she needs to take time to work through that.

As I said earlier, I think both situations are valid, just not compatible with each other right now.

dooryfish · 15/02/2019 11:24

Infertility and loss is all consuming and I still think my late miscarriage has scarred me emotionally. I had to go back into work with 4 pregnant colleagues in a small office all due at the same time as me and all complaining about their pregnancy discomforts. It was horrendous when they were doing a hand over before going on maternity leave and I was having to cover the workload.

In hindsight they had absolutely every right to have a little moan because pregnancy can be really hard but at the time I just wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I even cut my hours to part time so that I just didn't have to endure being around them for as long.

However I also think that there's a limit and she's gone beyond that now. Not acknowledging your pregnancy is one thing but to leave it a few months when he's here before even saying congrats or sending a present is too far imo.

Is she never going to see your son until she's pregnant? How long could that be? Would he be 5 before she decides she suddenly wants to know him.
Will she expect you to be excited about her baby? It must be so hurtful when a sibling ignores your child for so long and I can understand why you are upset op.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 11:24

@Raella50

YANBU!

Sorry but I am in the same band of people who say she doesn't get to treat you like crap because she cannot conceive.

It's not YOUR fault if someone else - (a family member or friend) is unable to not have a child, and the family taking the sister's side is a disgrace frankly.

I have known (like a few other posters) several people who couldn't conceive, and they literally ignored by 2 kids. Like they weren't even there. I obviously got rid of them out of my life after several years, but yeah, I had that shit too. I also had a so-called friend who could not get a man to stay with her for more than 4-5 months, who never married, and who never had kids, and every time I saw her, (when I was with DH and the kids) she ignored them, DH and my 2 kids. She also talked over me when I mentioned them.

Couldn't bear it that her formerly chubby, plain, 'boyfriendless til she was 20' friend, had got married and had kids and SHE hadn't.

I feel sorry for ANYone who can't have children, or who is alone, but it's rude and nasty to take it out on those who have what THEY want.

As a pp said, how long do you have to keep pretending your child doesn't exist, because she doesn't care to acknowledge your baby because she can't have one?

I would be moving away and distancing myself from your family if I were you. They sound fucking awful, and you deserve better treatment.

Stormy76 · 15/02/2019 11:24

It’s very difficult going through IVF, but it doesn’t mean that she should cut off contact with her own sister when she gets pregnant, not speaking for months and not seeing the baby is not acceptable behaviour. It is not your fault OP that you are not having the same struggles. I have been friends with many women who have had IVF, whilst I was pregnant a friend was going through an unsuccessful IVF cycle. She was the first one through the door when I got back from hospital, she was so supportive through my pregnancy and I was supportive of her as well.

OP is not lacking in empathy at all, she has been very supportive of her sister. Whilst I am sure that your family think they are supporting your sister by agreeing with her actions, they are not they are making things worse r your sister because she is now ruining her relationship with you and may not have a relationship with your son because she can’t get over her own issues which is very sad.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 11:25

Infertility seems to be given a higher status of 'worth' in terms of how sad you're allowed to be, and how you can act towards other people

In my experience it’s quite the opposite. Regularly it seems not to be treated as any sort of grief and should simply be a case of a bit of gently chivvying and move on.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 11:25

They literally ignored MY 2 kids (not by!)

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 11:25

And she could turn around and say "congratulations, I'm happy for you but right now I just can't. I hope you and the baby are OK. Maybe we can meet up later on"

She just ghosted her.
She's just dropped her after decades.

That would make me realise how little this person really cared and I'd be sad but I'd carry on. And I wouldn't open up to that person in the same way again.

Lindtnotlint · 15/02/2019 11:25

I think a lot of people are looking at this in a strange way - including the OP.

This isn’t a question of who is being unreasonable, or whose side one should be on. This is your sister, who presumably you love and care about. Forget guilt and blame.

How could you move this forward in a good way? It may feel “unfair” that that’s being kid on you, but a lot better than what she is having to deal with, so in a very nice and gentle way, I’m afraid you have to suck up the role of “peacemaker” here.

That means yes you should see her without your son. Yes you should get in touch with her to say things like “thinking of you and missing you I love you so much” etc. Yes it means it may take time, patience and effort to build the aunt relationship that you will all ultimately benefit from.

You will get there. Take it slowly and kindly. Stop thinking about whether or not she is unreasonable. Like most of us when we are really hurting she is not being herself. Start with love and sympathy and go from there.

And congratulations on your son, how absolutely lovely and wonderful! Enjoy!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 11:27

Is OP ready to leave her baby?

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 11:27

As @dooryfish said, I bet the OP's sister will expect the OP to be excited when/if she DOES get pregnant.

Lottapianos · 15/02/2019 11:27

'Regularly it seems not to be treated as any sort of grief and should simply be a case of a bit of gently chivvying and move on.'

I agree Jacques

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/02/2019 11:28

MsJuniper your analogy is bizarre. Your sister seeing your parents come back to life isnt the same at all. If *formerbabe" had a friend whose parents were in the hospital dying I doubt she would be pissed off if they survived and ignore her friend.
OP didnt have a baby so there is one less in the future for her sister to have.....

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 11:29

I bet the OP's sister will expect the OP to be excited when/if she DOES get pregnant

Wouldn’t you be if your sister got pregnant after infertility?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 11:29

But as her sister surely she knows she can voice this? Nobody is asking her to turn up overjoyed at the arrival of her nephew, just to acknowledge him?

Actually, as I read it, OP never has said that, has she? She told her sister to contact her when she was ready, which could easily be read, especially to someone in pain, as 'I'll see you once you're willing to put your game face on'.

AuntieCJ · 15/02/2019 11:29

OP has done nothing wrong and shouldn't be made to feel guilty by her family for having a baby.

Leave your sister to stew. Don't pander to her by meeting her without your son. It won't help in the long term. She is being utterly self obsessed.

sillysmiles · 15/02/2019 11:31

The other things is does the sis feel like you abandoned her when you got pregnant and dropped contact with her? You said you were giving her space - but did she know that? Or does she think you just stopped talking to her when you got pregnant?

SoupDragon · 15/02/2019 11:33

...ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her...

You want to be there for her but aren't prepared to leave your DS behind in order to meet her. Why?

diplodocusinermine · 15/02/2019 11:33

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Understandably, your sister is upset about infertility, but her behaviour and that of your family is impacting your relationship with them, and their relationship with your baby. It's also impacting on your first months with your baby.

Infertility does not give someone the right to behave like she is behaving. She's treating your baby as if they don't exist. Is she going to behave in the same way to everyone she knows who becomes pregnant/has a child? She's going to be very lonely if so.

And your baby is several months old. How long is this supposed to continue? Were you supposed to not have a baby until she managed to conceive? Are you now going to have to avoid all family occasions if she is going to be there in case the very fact of your baby's existence upsets her?

Would suggest she needs counselling to help her cope with the fact that she may never conceive, and that other people will continue to have children regardless.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 11:33

OP you are not being unreasonable about being ignored-frankly you've tried all you could

Again, hasn't OP sent one text message? I'm not saying she has done anything actively wrong - clearly she hasn't - but has she really done 'all she could'?

dooryfish · 15/02/2019 11:36

It does also seem like your family are enabling the behaviour. Which is shitty of them.

It's shit that she's struggling with infertility too but it's not your fault and your hardly rubbing it in her face sending bump pics and complaining about newborn sleep deprivation.

Your special, life changing moments shouldn't be ignored or swept under the rug as a result.

Not the same thing exactly but my parents are like this with my sister. I worked hard for years and bought a house...she begrudgingly came to see it and didn't make one comment on it!!! Even if she didn't like it she just had to say "it's nice", I said to my dad I was upset that she just frowned the whole time and got told to be sympathetic because she wanted a house. Fast forward to when I got engaged "don't make a big thing of it because sis isn't engaged and it will upset her because she wants to be" In all honesty it's turned her into a very self centred person.

There are limits and it has gone beyond that here.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 11:37

I feel like everyone else has read a different OP where the OP has been constantly trying to make contact with her sister, has been reaching out to ask her about her situation, has tried to reassure her that she understands why this is difficult for her - but she doesn't say she's done any of that? She literally sent one text message that didn't acknowledge her sister's situation then neither of them has made contact in presumably months and months.

poppet31 · 15/02/2019 11:39

I haven't read the full thread OP, but I can empathise with your sister. It is so hard when you are struggling with infertility and when we were in the midst of it all, a lot of close friends being having babies, some of whom I still have not met. It's not because I didn't want to or that I wasn't happy for them. I was - it's just very difficult to put on an act when you are so sad about your own situation. Give her time, she will come around eventually.

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