Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

[Raella50]

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

Honestly why don’t you just tell her? She’s your sister. Write rather than call and tell her that you’ve had a difficult time and it would be nice to see her. Say that you understand why she has been distant but you miss her.

No blame or ‘you’ comments. Sympathetic but let her know she’s missed. The rest is up to her

I struggled to conceive my first and had investigations/surgery and was also told it was highly unlikely I’d conceive without IVF and probably donor eggs. I’ve been extremely lucky to go on to conceive 2 children naturally but in the time I was ttc without luck it was a very hard, dark time for me. I may have been a little bit unfair to one friend who had a baby during that time however at no point did I ignore anyone or refuse to acknowledge their child. I bought gifts, pasted on a fake smile when people told me of their pregnancy news and (because I love babies) went to visit and cuddle their new additions. I know everyone is different and handles things differently but refusing to acknowledge her own nephew is just poor show and bad manners in my opinion. You can be hurt and explain how hard you are finding it without pretending a family member doesn’t exist. I think you will probably have to be the one to extend an olive branch though by the sounds of it and maybe see her once for coffee without your baby, hear what she wants to say and at the end say that you know she is hurting but your son is part of your life now and she will probably see him from time to time if she wants to carry on having a relationship with you.

I wouldn't get in touch with her for coffee or anything. She would blame OP for not postponing the pregnancy knowing her situation with infertility. She would be negative and OP's son doesn't need it at this age. What if she hates him? I would stay away from her untill she matures a bit.

No he doesn't. Why is it acceptable for the sister to take this out on the baby?

The sister isn’t taking anything out on a baby. Her not seeing the baby won’t affect him in anyway. She isn’t being rude or unkind she is just staying away.

I think the issue is, if and when your DSis does manage to conceive, Is she then going to want to pick back up the relationship and carry on as though nothing has happened?

Will she expect you/family to be ecstatically happy for her (I’m sure you would anyway) but ignore the fact that she’s made this special time for you very difficult and down?

I can empathise with how difficult infertility is (DH and I will begin TTC this summer- desperately want kids- but we have a reduced chance), the thing is you can’t put everyone around you on hold whilst you go through the emotional trauma and then expect to carry on like normal!

It’s fine to cut people out, ignore others children or be very unhappy - if that’s how you need to process it- what’s not ok is to do all of that and expect everything to be ok again once ‘you get what you want’!

Jesus. Some people get it and some people really don't

'Think of her as grief stricken for a baby she hasn't had. '

This. She's not stropping, or punishing you, or trying to 'gain' anything. She's in terrible, horrible pain and is trying to protect herself. It absolutely kills when you are longing for a baby and someone close to has the very thing you're aching for, and there's so much pressure to be happy for them.

I completely understand why you feel sad and hurt by the way OP. You have done nothing wrong, and I'm sure you would love for your sister to meet your baby. There's no way to rush this though. She will need lots of time. If it helps, I was in pieces when my sister had a baby, but was still really happy for her and wanted everything to go smoothly. She lives on the other side of the world so I didn't have to see her or baby for 6 months but I still felt pretty sick about it. I dont know how I would have managed if I had been expected to see her straight away

@Raella50

I am sorry that you feel hurt and upset by your sisters distance with you. I do not have a sister but I am going through fertility problems myself (not at the IVF stage yet but it will come to that) and my brother had a baby last year and another one due soon.

I have no idea how I am going to handle meeting this new baby and it really worries me that I will break down in front of them all in the hospital. Your sister is probably worries the sight of your son will break her and she will be broken in public for you and others to see. The embarrassment of being publicly upset is the last thing anyone wants. These types of things people want to keep private and do not want anyone to see them as weak.

I am sure your sister does not mean to hurt you but she is just really not coping from the sounds of it and I think you have to respect that. You have something that she has been struggling so much to have and she is probably feeling broken like her body doesn't work, she will be worried about her husbands feelings more than anything and especially with new babies in the family.

I think more than anything your sister needs time and I think you should just focus on your little bundle of joy and she will come around when she is ready.

Eliza What I said was a fact. He [the baby] represents what your sister wants more than anything else in the world. I don't see how you can argue with this?
Also, the sister is not 'taking anything out on the baby' at all. The baby knows nothing about anything and doesn't even know what an aunt is, let alone miss having one.
Yes, the sister is taking her grief out on the OP and yes that is unreasonable, but surely understandable and forgivable too? It would be lovely if the sister was perfect and able to be a doting aunt but clearly she can't do this - it's too painful. And if someone finds something too upsetting, too painful and too traumatic then surely we should cut them some slack?

Does your Dsis treat, for example, her work colleagues, her friends, in this way? Or does she feel she can do this just because you are family?

I keep reading comments like this and wondering if I've missed something in the OP or an update - the sister's just not contacting OP, right? And OP hasn't contacted her either after she sent a text message months ago? Yeah, she probably would treat friends like 'this', and work colleagues if at all possible - because 'this' is just not engaging with them. She isn't sending OP hate mail, commenting on pictures of her baby saying it's ugly, or telling OP to fuck off when she calls. She just isn't calling her.

I hope your sister is having some kind of counselling, because if this affects her so much as being uncapable to meet her nephew, then she really should seek professional help. I understand that it is hard for her but I also understand this is not fair on you. I went through IVF myself but was lucky enough to get pregnant on the first try, and someone very very close to me had been trying for much longer and still no luck, I know every pregancy around her was very painful for her but never ever she did that to me, and I KNOW it was extremely hard for her. It's life, people have babies, she needs to be able to be exposed to that, if not, she really needs professional help because in the end this is going to damage her relationships with other family members and friends.

Im sorry for what your sister is going through but infertility doesnt give people a pass to behave in whatever horrible manner they wish.
Thats your sister and she hasnt come to see her nephew....sorry I wouldnt be forgiving.

I agree with all the PPs saying it's not your fault, OP. Whilst I agree she' s in huge pain, she's being very unreasonable.

Meet up without your baby? I would never have dreamed of being without any of mine at such a young age. Absolutely not. This is not just about her, it's about you and your DC too.

My Dsis has infertility for over 10 years, lost 4 babies, never once was she like this towards me, my other sis or my SIL. She spoke openly, she cried in private but She was never anything but a loving sister and aunt.

'I have no idea how I am going to handle meeting this new baby and it really worries me that I will break down in front of them all in the hospital. '

Huge, huge hugs. I know exactly how this feels. Sending you strength

She is going through the grief but she could have contacted her sister, congratulated, explained herself how difficult it is for her right now and everyone would understand and give their support.

For me she is being rude and selfish. Depression - whatever the cause - may explain actions but doesn’t excuse them.

Not welcoming your loved sisters son into the world is rude. It may have taken a lot but your family are not doing your sister any favours by coluding with her inability to find joy in a joyful situation.

She should still want to be there for you. Her sister.

What you do next though is down to both of you? Have you said to her ‘Im upset and miss you. What happens next or can happen now?.’

If you don’t feel ready to leave your baby - and you had worded your post differently say MIL says I should leave my baby but I’m not ready - you would have got lots of support. If through you just don’t want to see your sister ‘her terms’ ie without baby then maybe you need to decide to play the long game be prepared to. Personally I wouldn’t. Her behaviour is odd so I personally think any alternative suggest should come from her ... a auntie coming to see her nephew and support her sister is the social norm aspired to. It’s not unreasonable of you to expect it at all.

Depends though how much it stresses you out waiting for her to act appropriately. She should be there for you but sounds as if your relationship is that you are there for her. Are you still prepared to be?

With her behaviour she makes the OP feel guilty. That an abusive behaviour.

I agree with Greendale, on this, you shod not be treated like that because you have a baby and she does not. How long can this go on. She needs professional help.

The thing is, this is no-ones fault.

Both your situations are valid, it might just mean they’re not compatible with each other right now and that’s ok.

Due to the extremely sensitive nature of the situation I would relent and try meeting up with your sister without your baby... just for the first time in order to break the ice. She possibly feels really awkward about making that first step as so much time has passed and she must know she's behaving appallingly towards you and your son and is probably embarrassed on top of all her other emotions.

I remember clearly the day my sister told me she was pregnant, it had been a full year since I lost my baby and I hadn't conceived since and the ache I felt was indescribable. I wanted to burst in to tears and I only just managed to hold it together by passing off my watery eyes as tears of joy for her (joy was the last thing I was feeling). I love my sister dearly but all I felt was envy and profound sadness. BUT as torturous as infertility is I don't think it gives you a free pass to be an arsehole and in your case it sounds like your sister is heading towards arsehole territory.

So in order to salvage the relationship I'd be the bigger person and offer the olive branch ONE more time. Make the concession and meet up without your son, bottle your own hurt and try to forgive her for not being there for you. Give her one more opportunity and hopefully you will get your relationship back on track little by little. If she doesn't make the effort then I'm afraid there's not much more you can do and I would stop trying to contact her and get on with your life.

When I got pregnant by accident with my first two of my friends had fertility issues one never did have biological children they were my biggest supporters

The sister is behaving like a spoiled child. The OP sounds like she is being very caring and compassionate, but should not be expected to pussyfoot around her sister! Presumably the sister thinks that if she can't have a child then the OP shouldn't have one either!

I suspect that at some point the sister is going to end up very lonely if she behaves like this to any of her family and friends who dare to have a child.

@Itssosunny
With her behaviour she makes the OP feel guilty. That an abusive behaviour.

FFS. Are you for real?

If your partner ignores you making you feel guilty everyone on MN would be saying it's an emotional abuse. Here is the same but coming from a sibling. She wants her sister to suffer as well.

Presumably the sister thinks that if she can't have a child then the OP shouldn't have one either!

Don’t be so ridiculous.

I suspect that at some point the sister is going to end up very lonely if she behaves like this to any of her family and friends who dare to have a child

Infertility is the loneliest place in the world anyway