To ask those of you with healthy marriages

[readytodropnow]

How do you make up when you fight?
Does one of you always do the same thing?
Is one person always the one to make the effort ?
Are you both forgiving or do you just get over it?

Whoever is in the wrong apologises. We both forgive and don’t hold grudges. We deal with things differently (I rant, he sulks) but rarely at the same time.

Overall we get on well, never name call, support each other and try hard at helping each other and having a successful marriage. It’s not perfect but 16 years and counting...

Tbh we don’t really fight often at all- sometimes a discussion can get a bit heated, but not for long and then it’ll just continue until it gets sorted so there’s no need to ‘make up’ really as it wasn’t a fall out really.

We have had a few proper arguments over the years but we stayed physically in the same area together so we just had a hug and both said sorry together, we didn’t storm off or anything so it just kind of resolved itself equally.

Usually we both apologise.

If we’ve had a fight it’s because one of us has behaved like an idiot and the other has reacted to that. Normally tho DP will wait till I’m calm and then apologise.
If I’ve been in the wrong I apologise first. Altho we will both want to make up as neither of us likes arguing.
Most of the time DP will try and carry on as normal and do small things to try and apologise.

We do both apologise properly to eachother tho. And usually talk about what set us off.

It doesn’t actually last as long as this post indicates.

Usually we are fine with eachother within twenty four hours.

Same as PPs - we talk to through calmly afterwards, apologise if we've been unreasonable and hug it out. We usually talk about it a few days later as well just to ensure the issue is properly resolved rather than just being buried/held in silent resentment!

We dont argue often but when we do it's not one sided. Normally both of us have a valid point though - we dont argue over nothing (except the fight we had over a toilet brush in early 2017...)!

We dont fight, might have the odd bicker, but we are both cabable of articulating issues and usually end up laughing. Never go to bed on a disagreement.

Mind you, over the years we have come to the conculusion, I usually start them, I always have to have the last word, it's easier just to shag it out.

We rarely fight to be honest. If one of us snaps at the other for whatever reason (usually because we're exhausted - we have a 1 year old!) we just let it go and the person who did the snapping always ends up apologising. If we're discussing something difficult it's not really a fight, because ultimately we're working towards the same goal (to resolve the issue). Neither of us hold grudges. I apologise more readily (it sometimes takes DH a bit of time to realise when he's in the wrong and he's sometimes too embarrassed to apologise immediately whereas I tend to realise immediately and am very willing to apologise sincerely) but DH does less things wrong than I do so has less reason to apologise!

I'd say the reason we don't fight much is because a) we're very aware we're on the same team, b) we're both pretty quick to apologise and c) we let things go easily.

We very, very rarely fight. When we do it’s almost always me being unreasonable (DH is the most decent and reasonable person on the planet). As soon as I realise I am being unfair about something I stop and I apologise. He instantly forgives. Then we’ll have a calm chat, identify what has really caused the issue / tension, and try to figure out how to resolve it.

I would say we both make the effort to resolve it. We’ve never had a disagreement last longer than about half an hour. As soon as we are at odds we both very clearly want to resolve it as a priority - fixing the issue takes precedence over everything else.

We practically never fight. When we do, generally we apologise to each other because it’s very rarely one sided!

Also we don't talk about stuff late at night and if we have to we "put a pin in it" and have a cuddle before going to sleep - usually that sorts it! Being able to put a pin in things and carry on as normal in the meantime is one of the best skills of marriage imo - it means we never row publicly and even if we are mid-discussion or whatever we're totally normal around each other until we get time to talk about it so there's never an atmosphere. Ultimately we just think "is this a dealbreaker?" and it never is so there's no point getting angsty about it!

My dh is the better person so he’s not afraid to apologise. Because I know he does this I will step down if I know i’m wrong. I’ll also leave if it’s going to escalate and try and calm down. We both know that we get snappy and there’s usually a good reason. We don’t go to bed angry.

It’s usually me that gives in and says ‘ i can’t be bothered to fight’ and dh then says sorry, I say sorry and we move on. I used to be able to hold grudges forever but I can’t be bothered now. He knows I’m a stroppy cow at times and is very good at just letting me get on with it.

I'd say we discuss things rather than argue, and if we disagree we focus on the issue not on putting the other one down. To me that's the key thing. You're obviously going to disagree, but are you able to disagree without the need to be right to belittle your partner. Some things can't be taken back once you've said them.

Also, do you throw previous arguments back in your partner's face rather than discussing the matter at hand?

How do you make up when you fight?
We apologise. We give one another some space, but we always make up soon after. We also don't 'fight' in terms of being very aggressive. I get cross and swear at him occasionally, he'll do the same on very rare occasions but there's always an element of consciousness to our words; I wouldn't ever say unkind stuff to him just to hurt him because once I've calmed down I'd be mortified to think I'd shouted really mean stuff purely to hurt him.

Does one of you always do the same thing?
I go mad about small stuff, he tends not to be as quick to rant as I am. I'm definitely the antagonist in an argument. He wants an easy, quiet life and doesn't get worked up about everything or anything.

Is one person always the one to make the effort?
No. We both put in as much as we have to give. So some days I might put in more than him, other days he gives more. The balance is there, though.

Are you both forgiving or do you just get over it?
We're both naturally happy people, which helps. He takes the piss out of me when he thinks I'm overreacting and helps me laugh at myself. Laughter seems to diffuse most of our situations.

We've never really had a fight. Not even the kind of argument or row some of my friends describe, with raised voices, name calling, doors slamming etc. We've been together for over 20 years and agree on a lot of things one might fight about, politics, religion kids etc. I'm certain that I do things that annoy him and he definitely does things that annoy me, but they seem pretty minor really, he's still the best person i've ever met. If there is a disagreement or atmosphere it's probably more likely to be me who starts it but me who finishes it. Generally with a glass of wine, a chat and a shag.

Whoever is in the wrong apologises. We both forgive and don’t hold grudges This is really good advice.

We're both very quick to admit when we've done wrong, and apologise whole heartedly - even if its a scenario where we've both messed up.

I also think its important to be very honest. If something's bugging me or I'm annoyed because I feel like we aren't sharing domestic stuff evenly I just tell him politely or mention it in passing. Because if you don't say they don't know. He'll do the same.

We also have a lot of gratitude for what the other one does. There'll always be a 'thank you for making dinner', 'a thank you for taking the bin out' and 'thank you for doing the food shop' etc. Even if those are things that we kind of expect from each other we'll still say thank you.

If we have a disagreement where neither of us wants to budge, we'll handle it in a way where we aren't angry about it and defiantly not angry with each other. If it's something big we normally carry on thinking/talking something through for a week or so before we both (normally) come round to the others point of view. Which can actually be quite funny if we're trying to decide between two purchases because we still won't know which thing to buy even though we both had very strong options where we first started talking about something.

Accepting that sometimes you will just have differing views is just fine too.

I don't carry arguments forward. My DP finds it more difficult to get over it although he's got better over the years.
He always thinks he is right so doesn't apologise. He never gets personal or insulting so he thinks he has nothing to apologise for.
If I know I was wrong or was mean, I apologise.
He seems relieved when I make the first move. I just accept he isn't as emotionally healthy as I am

After we argue we tend to just calm down quite quickly and talk about why we were annoyed and tend to come to some kind of compromise about whatever it was. If one of us has said something to annoy the other again the person will explain why they were upset, the other person will usually apologise explain what they meant and we move on.

It requires effort on both parts and communication. It would be very difficult if one of us was never willing to apologise or compromise. Since we're both prepared to do that it's usually fine.

We don't generally fight.
We can disagree. But generally it means more to one of us than the other, and we can usually tell who is better to back down without it getting heated.
Either of us sometimes snaps (more often me tbf) but we'll usually apologise fairly quickly, not always with words, but buying flowers or something like that.

I can honestly say we've never had a fight, but I sometimes snap at him. When I do, I apologise.

We argue.

We’ve been married nearly 30 years, we’ve always made up pretty quickly. We don’t just apologise to each other though, I think it’s really important to talk about why the argument happened. If you don’t do that, you’ll just keep repeating the same isssues/arguments.

You have to get to the bottom of why one of you is pissed off.

When we were younger (together 12 years now) we had explosive rows. Really bad arguments because of immaturity tbh and we were tired from young kids and babies. Dh always sulked and went mute, and I’d be ranting and shouting. I can’t even remember how we got over those arguments it’s such a blur from sleepless nights and nappies. Maybe with a little gesture from me, and a little gesture from him. We always knew that we’d make up again though. Those days were really shit and we got close to divorce.

Now, we probably have a big argument maybe once or twice a year. It’s one argument, then we go quiet, let each other cool off and then we both discuss what upset us, why we feel angry etc, and what we can do to stop it happening again. I’m usually the one vocal about what’s upsetting me and dh then follows. I think we argue less because we’re so open with our feelings, we keep on top and nip the niggles in the bud now. I guess we’ve melded together over all these years. I always know no matter how shit things get, we’ll always have each other’s back and we’ll always make up again.

whoever is in the wrong apologises.
Who determines that?

We have never had a fight or anything more than mild disagreement. Ben together about 14 years. There is no making up to be done....

We bicker the whole time but usually good naturedly. If anyone is in the wrong they apologise.

My nan gave me advise when I was a little girl and its stuck with me ever since.

Never go to sleep mad at someone as you never know if they'll wake up in the morning.

So when me and the hubby argue (every Marriage Does, it's healthy and normal!) , we say our opinions then usually have a 5 / 10 minute cool off period away from each other which usually makes us think about what we've said to each other, many a time have I done the walk of shame back down the stairs to apologise and he has to me too. Take a few moments away from the situation to reflect with a calm head.

& most importantly remember my nans advice!