To ask those of you with healthy marriages

[readytodropnow]

How do you make up when you fight?
Does one of you always do the same thing?
Is one person always the one to make the effort ?
Are you both forgiving or do you just get over it?

We don't often argue tbh. It's a bit of a pointless exercise because we'll just make up again, so no need for shouting etc.

If we ever have a disagreement we're both quick to say 'Sorry, that was dickish behavior' and then it's done.

I can get quite narky around my period, and DH can when he has work stress.

Disagreements are usually resolved in 5-10 minutes.

Like I said, neither of us can be arsed with arguments. We've been together (married) for 15 years, 2 kids)

We rarely argue. Mainly because we're both too lazy to. We always sit and chat the evening away on a Friday with food and drink though, maybe that's why? We bicker occasionally. That usually ends up with him pulling a face which makes me laugh.
I think the last major row we had was about 7 years ago. I ended up throwing a bowl of cornflakes with temper, which I was still finding in random places weeks later, and he ended up storming out. I remember that I started laughing when he eventually returned because he stood on the doorstep absolutely soaking because he'd stormed off without his keys, wallet or jacket and it lashed it down 😂
Been married 37 years.

We don't fight. When one of us is out of sorts, it almost always has an underlying reason (shattered, ill, stressed) so the other tends to try to fix the problem rather than reacting to the grumpiness. If we are both of out sorts at the same time, it is usually a reaction to the same thing so we work together to fix it.

Our disagreements are resolved through debate style arguing rather than angry arguing...which I think is because both of us are happy to change our minds and both enjoy a good debate.

Firstly, if you're both reasonable people, actual fights will rarely (if ever) occur. So if you're really fighting regularly, you should examine why one or both of you are so quick to lose your temper/s.

Obviously bickering and little things happen when you live with someone for years, and in those situations you just need to be able to empathise with your partner and apologise to each other. What do you gain from holding a grudge and prolonging an argument?

How do you make up when you fight?
Firstly, I wouldn't say we fight, more like heated discussions or arguments. Voices sometimes get raised but not to the point of shouting or yelling. To answer your question, we make up with a kiss and a hug and we have never in all the time we've been together (well over a decade) gone to bed angry, upset or with the issue unresolved.

Does one of you always do the same thing? Please elaborate.

Is one person always the one to make the effort ? I make the effort most of the time to "stay in the room" to not "walk away". DH has a harder time with this an acknowledges it. He has told me in the past, that he is thankful that I fight so much for us, because he was taught growing up just to shut down and not deal with it. However, both of us have decided that divorce will never be on the table and that there is no problem that we couldn't work through, short of things we don't deal with anyway, like cheating, abuse, alcoholism etc.

Are you both forgiving or do you just get over it? I have the harder time forgiving and forgetting than DH does and I am actively working on that. I came from a family that does hold grudges and it is a very hard habit to break, but I've been told by DH that I have made great strides in this area.

We get over it quickly, both of us ends up apologising for saying mean things and then it's forgotten about or we'll laugh about it later.

I'm a little embarrassed to answer, but we do a silly little thing when we've fought and are making up.

It used to be an "I'm sorry dance/handshake" kind of thing that we would both do.

But that's evolved now into a gesture we do while chanting, "Christine's fault...Christine's fault...Christine's fault" (Christine being our old boss).

Although often we'll do it without the chant. Just the gesture. It's our silly way of saying we're ready to move on.

I’m a right arsey cow sometimes. DH ignores it or pulls me up gently.

He’s a sulker. I tell him to cop on and he does.

We genuinely don’t fight often, even if that means we’ll get divorced.

I can think of one “fight” as in shouting and yelling or storming off in the last 5 years!

If we bicker we both apologize for our part because nobody can bicker alone! And we move on.

We rarely fight as we tend to debate things a lot when we are at cross purposes. We have had maybe 6 or 7 big fights in the 17 years we've been together and there is never nastiness or name calling we just get to a stalemate over something (usually parenting!) and it explodes. DH tends to retreat for a while to think things over then we discuss and sort out which usually takes many hours. I tend to cave more than he does as I hate arguing and get very upset - but we always talk it out.

We don't really fight. In 10 years, there was one occasion that I would class as a fight. He got carried away and made a decision we had discussed we should not do at this time, and didn't fess up when there was an appropriate chance. I expressed my disappointment. He apologised.

Some people can't imagine a marriage without fights - I can't imagine being married to someone with whom I need to constantly fight. Either you have chosen someone fundamentally different from you, and/or one who can't rationally discuss any issues and thinks it can be only their opinion or wrong opinion.

I mean, what is there to fight about constantly? If you are saying you're at each other's throats morning, noon and night - what do you fight about? Genuinely curious.

Upon reading the thread a little more carefully, I realise my initial answer is more when we bicker about little things (which is fairly often).

When we have an actual argument/fight (rarely), we talk it out until one of us gets to the bottom of what we're actually fighting about (often not the initial thing that sparks the fight) and then we both end up apologizing while talking through how we can change our behaviours in the future to prevent this type of fight from happening again. (i.e. "I'll try to be more communicative of my needs rather than bottling up my frustrations").

We don't argue. Ever.

We aren't the perfect couple; my husband just won't. It can be frustrating.

I think in a healthy relationship, you don't really fight

I don't think that's true. We have a great and healthy relationship 95% of the time but sometimes things build up and come out, especially if both of us are in a bad place. I'm disabled and mental, DH as a result is very overworked and busy and it just causes issues sometimes. It doesn't mean our relationship isn't healthy, it means we are normal humans who sometimes struggle with life.

DH and I have been together 10 years now, extremely happy and have never had a fight or an argument. Apparently we're going to end up divorced though

A big factor in why we don't argue is that we have extremely similar opinions on the big stuff - religion, politics, morals, managing finances, child rearing techniques and intimacy. I think if you gel on that sort of thing, and generally have respect for each other then everything else is pretty small potatoes.

If we do disagree we just explain our viewpoints, listen to each other, offer compromises if needed and apologize as required. It is easy to not-argue with DH though, as he's a fair-minded and patient man who can admit it when he is wrong and accept an apology with grace... not a sulky arsey twat who would rather cause conflict and blame others for his shortcomings than have a civil discussion - unlike some of my exes!

In my marriage, we laugh, play and joke so much thats its impossible to fight. We cannot actually stay angry at each other for more than an hour when do fight or argue as one caves and apologises when they see the other so upset.

We do not really argue over a repeating thing as such. Perhaps the only thing (small) is when my husband thinks I do not clean up the kitchen in the right way or if I waste food.

In terms of effort no! We both make effort but its not like we need to TRY and make effort, it just comes naturally for us. We actually encourage each other in our careers, academics, personal goals.

We are both very forgiving but for us it is because we place God at the centre of our marriage and we as christians see forgiveness as very important. We believe your only freeing yourself when you forgive others.

However, we weren't always like this and had very serious problems when we first started dating. We got over all of that by communicating, understanding the other persons needs, desires and not blaming them after you have said sorry and all has been forgiving.

We almost never ever fight. Only small squabbles from time to time, like if one of us gets needlessly cross at the children, or... actually I can't remember. There was this one time that DH misunderstood how something financial worked (I was right, he was wrong) and he flounced off? Our disagreements are 99% reasonable and we talk them through.

If we do squabble, we will be moody at each other for 15 minutes, then thaw and go back to normal, and then a little bit later when the dust has settled, whoever was in the wrong will apologise, or the other will say "hey, I didn't like that thing you did and that's why I was pissed off" and we'll talk about it and make up properly.

Never had a big fight, been married 14 years.

We have little rows all the time. We’ve had huge fights and couldn’t see how we’d survive but we did. The main reason we get through the bad times and the cross words is because we’ve got through it in the past and it didn’t break us. We’ve proven we can work through it and it’s worth it. We’ve also grown together and learnt to be better with each other. We have less fights and deal with the little ones much better. Plus we get more sleep and time together now the kids are older.

I remember someone claiming they never fought their OH but it wasn’t true, they just didn’t shout, they sulked, and kept the hurt inside. They kept a lot of secrets and bad feeling from their OH. We are perhaps too honest and open about our feelings but it has paid off.

There is also the problem with what defines a fight/argument/row. It’s healthy to argue but my definition of argue isn’t a blazing row or falling out. It’s a disagreement and a bit of a huff that blows over. And us shouting isn’t a big deal to us, but could be seen as terrible to another couple. We can shout and disagree strongly but are secure in the relationship. We won’t have fallen out. But DH isn’t NT and I’m not typical in other ways. I had a friend comment on our marriage being something to emulate, and that was in our bad times with very small children.

We have never had an argument/fight etc., nothing to apologise for. Occasionally we agree to disagree, don't think we have ever raised our voice to each other either.

Usually we both apologise unless it is one particular person's fault, that's rare with couples though, it's usually both.
We never go to bed on an argument and neither of us can stand carrying it on, so no sulking, moaning, silent treatment or carrying a grudge.

We don't always agree but we don't argue. I don't know what raised voices or bickering would achieve. It's easier to just discuss things and either compromise or someone 'wins' because actually that's the better way. also DH is a saint

Mean spirited? But it's true. Not necessarily divorced, but someone is steaming in the garage/kitchen/out walking the dog. The pil never argued. Because whatever mil said, fil agreed with. Always. He was well trained.

I think you're missing what people are explaining to you.
People saying they don't really fight (and my DH and I are among them), are not saying they never disagree, or never say anything and just simmer with resentment, if they do disagree. They're saying that a healthy relationship, is one where you can discuss disagreements, without having to shout, belittle, or name call. Both parties are listened to, and have their say.

Now, I wonder if OP is coming back to the thread?

We very rarely argue. We might snipe at each other a bit if we're tired (got two little 'uns, one of which doesn't sleep) but it always blows over quickly. No-one really apologises (unless the other person is really upset) but we just seem to go back to normal really quickly.

@Youmadorwhat I agree with you- the bit about being smug was me quoting another poster!

People saying they don't really fight (and my DH and I are among them), are not saying they never disagree, or never say anything and just simmer with resentment, if they do disagree. They're saying that a healthy relationship, is one where you can discuss disagreements, without having to shout, belittle, or name call. Both parties are listened to, and have their say.

This is so true