To ask those of you with healthy marriages

[readytodropnow]

How do you make up when you fight?
Does one of you always do the same thing?
Is one person always the one to make the effort ?
Are you both forgiving or do you just get over it?

We have a big fight once or twice a year, and it’s usually because one of us is particularly grumpy (very often in the days leading up to my cycle....). I used to always go to him crying and apologise and then he would apologise too and all would be fine. But I’ve stoppef doing that if i don’t feel I’m wrong. He then gives me the silent treatment for a day or two and then at night he will reach out for me in bed and I automatically cuddle into him and he thinks it’s all over. But I’ve told him this is not OK. The silent treatment is petty and mean and by the time he’s done I’m even angrier. He gets it and he’s communicating with me when he’s upset. He’s gotten a lot better but since we don’t fight that often he hasn’t hand much practise.

We don’t really fight. We’ve never shouted at each other or anything like that, if we disagree on something, we just discuss it. In the earlier days when I was less good at communicating (and expecting DH to be psychic) we did have the odd heated discussion, which would end with DH going outside for 10 minutes, and then coming back in to give me a hug followed by a discussion of what the problem is. I have since learnt that it is much more sensible to be completely black and white and not expect DH to read my mind!

@GemmaXOX I’ve heard that advice a million times. But what do you do if you’re still really angry but it’s time to go to bed? Stay up all night? I’ve found that sleeping on it can often end the whole thing. Sometimes we both forget that we were mad and remember later and laugh about it. But I don’t see how people can just decide they’re not mad anymore. Is that real? If they can control their emotions that way why do they ever get mad at all?

In the unlikely event my DH didn’t wake up (what a horrible thought!) I wouldn’t doubt for a second that he knew exactly how much I loved him.

People say it’s healthy and normal to fight in a marriage but I think this is only true if you fight in the right way. It’s fine to disagree or be upset or angry. But a fight should never involve trying to hurt each other. That is never healthy. I couldn’t be with someone who tried to upset me in a fight.

Ime every couple who smugly declare that they have never argued end up divorced. Mark my words, one person is always having to bite their tongue or go along with the other one, and that worm eventually turns...

Dh and I are like Newsername and dh - lots of huge barneys in the past (usually over things like money/his family) but now only the odd flare up. Last one was at the weekend: dh was watching the rugby and said I was doing "stunt gardening" which meant that he had to get off the sofa and help out. I was not ! And so we were there shouting in the garden about how unreasonable the other person was . Didn't speak for a couple of hours. Friends again by the evening.

We're both forgiving and get over it, we love eachother.

We talk it through and apologise. We are both level headed and happy to apologise when wrong. Even if we don’t think we are wrong, we’ll apologise if we’ve been snappy or mean and agree to disagree about the actual content. Kiss and make up after that. Neither of us are sulkers and we are both v kind and considerate people, especially to each other

Ime every couple who smugly declare that they have never argued end up divorced.

I'll look out for that one, then, thanks. I can conceive of a healthy marriage where people do have arguments. I don't know why you can't conceive of one where people don't. We all have different temperaments.

We've learnt how to argue our way.

To begin with I'd tell him something and hed Ethier just apologise or say he understands Would enter into a conversation about it which would rile me up which used to make me go on rants and sulf I guess.

Now he actually talks with me and communicates hes feelings to, we've never shouted at each other , sworn or called each other names

So I guess our form now is just to talk it through, sometimes we use texting as I sometimes feel it's easier for me to get somethings out but we always end up talking vocally about it.

If he feels like where not getting anywhere or if he wants to defuse the situation he has a nack of ribbing me or saying something that will make me laugh which helps alot.

@ComeMonday

Honestly we've sat in bed trying to sleep (mad at each other) but we both can't until its sorted, by this point we've had time to reflect about what was said and its usually

"look I have my opinion and you have yours, I respect your opinion so please respect mine and see where I am coming from"

that usually sorts out any hard feelings, obviously it depends on the seriousness of the subject. But its just from my experiences that neither of us can sleep knowing the last thing we may say to each other is your a P**ck and so on... plus everynight for 10+ years we say goodnight, i love you and have a kiss. (trying to break a habit that long just puts everything in perspective for you)

We don't fight that often, if we do though we just kind of get it over with and then we're ok again. It lasted a day once but mostly it doesn't even last beyond us having an argument. DH gets randomly moody sometimes and that is when we're most likely to have an argument because it winds me up. I mostly follow my MIL's advice that she gave me when we got married which was 'he gets moody sometimes, just ignore it and let him sulk' he just sits and sulks though mostly when he's like that. My mum and stepdad don't speak to each other for days if they have a fight, that would drive me nuts.

Were also not the type to say things that will upset the other one or things that we don't mean as be both know that once youv said something it can't be taken back.

We don’t fight, 13 years and we’ve never had one. We just talk out our issues, listen to each and come to a solution that suits us both!

Ime every couple who smugly declare that they have never argued end up divorced

What a mean spirited thing to say.

We don't fight that often but when we do it's MASSIVE and emotional. I'm a twat in a fight and so is DH and we both know it. We both deliberately push each others buttons too, until DH is the one to walk away. We're both trying to change which has had some success but we're both incredibly stubborn. At least we both know that about ourselves I suppose.

I do say sorry if I've been in the wrong, but won't if I believe I haven't been. DH is very reluctant to say sorry. I'm usually the first to say let's not argue, but that only works sometimes.

@Dahlietta nothing smug about it, it’s a fact some people don’t argue. If I have a problem I say it, my DH listens to my point and then I listen to him, then we come to a conclusion about it. I have never in my life (and nor has he) raised my voice to him or called him a name etc. what would be the point, it doesn’t solve things! I have been sarcastic or quiet with him at times, he just leaves me be until I have calmed and then approaches the issue after. If you think that mature attitudes=divorce,then we are all f**d!!

A healthy marriage is built of forgiveness and reasonableness. You have to be fair to each other even when you don’t want to. At the moment for instance i am in a prolonged period of feeling pissed off woth DH. But I manage my feelings and recognise that they are neither reasonable nor productive. Consequently the marriage is fairly functional and healthy. I don’t take out negative feelings on DH or allow my emotions to cloud my judgement. I see a lot of people ruin perfectly good marriages by acting like children and allowing their emotions to dictate their actions. People often forget that healthy relationships are built on more than just list and feelings.

we both end up apologising, regardless of who was wrong! (we are rubbish with conflict). Always go to bed on a cuddle, not a cold shoulder.

We've been married 30 years - some quite heated arguments in the early years, much less so now.

One golden rule: We never discuss anything difficult or contentious late in the day, which avoids negative emotions before going to bed and also allows us to sleep on whatever it is and thus often avoid a quarrel altogether

Mean spirited? But it's true. Not necessarily divorced, but someone is steaming in the garage/kitchen/out walking the dog. The pil never argued. Because whatever mil said, fil agreed with. Always. He was well trained.

I suppose there may be couples perfectly in tune who never disagree. But that's probably because one of them or even both have no strongly-held opinions or if they do can't be bothered to defend them. I couldn't live with a "whatever" person.

@Dahlietta DH and I only argue when we are both extremely stressed (both get a bit ragey when we are stressed). Only very immature people allow themselves to end up in protracted arguments. Certainly the first few years we didn’t argue at all. Throughout our marriage we probably have an argument once a year/two years. Self control prevents arguments.

We rarely row, but if we do and arguing isn't getting us anywhere, then we walk away and have some space from each other. This is usually enough to make us consider the others point of view and either cement our feelings on the matter or realise that we have been out of order. By the time we speak again, usually one of us will back down, not always the same person. At worst we will have a heated discussion again, and the process is repeated. That is very rare though.

Staying in a loop, arguing and getting more upset doesn't work for us. I end up dragging stuff up from the past, or adding extra things in. Dh gets defensive and cold, which upsets me more. We are much better off walking away and cooling off, then revisiting when calm and after we have had time to think.

I think in a healthy relationship, you don't really fight. We rarely do, but always make sure to both apologise if we have and not let it drag on.

I think fights mostly happen when you are both in an emotionally bad place, by that I mean angry, stressed and so on. The argument that triggers the fight is generally secondary to that. For that reason both of us are generally to blame and owed an apology. I don't think our fights escalate much before we both withdraw or one calls a halt to it. Then as others say its a regroup and reconnect situation. Mostly, if he is angry or moody and being a bit of pig, I don't usually rise to it. I am more concerned about why that is and he is the same. I know how to handle him which is to leave it, let him be and let him cool down. Talk about it later when he wants to and is receptive. He knows it's better to deal with me there and then. But the point is to support and understand each other not to confront, even if they are not behaving well.

Otherwise we don't need to agree on everything and accept differences of opinion and how we live (I'm tidy, he isn't). So we don't argue that much or if we do it doesn't go very far again before one or both of us withdraw. I think we both know there are better ways to change someone's mind or view than arguing. Which frankly is the least effective way to change anything.

We don't do name calling, swearing or shouting, really no need for this in life.

My dh is the better person so he’s not afraid to apologise. Because I know he does this I will step down if I know i’m wrong.

^ yes, this. My partner handles this stuff with a lot more grace than I do, and it motivates me to do better. I know I struggle with admitting when I'm wrong, but he is a very generous person and makes me feel a lot safer about apologising. I think if I were with a different kind of person, I'd be much more rigid and more likely to double down. It's knowing he won't think less of me if I admit I'm in the wrong that makes a difference, I think.

Generally we avoid big fights by both coming into it with the attitude that we are on the same side. We love each other and we're a team, so there genuinely isn't a lot of satisfaction in one or other of us getting our own way while the other is unhappy - usually we tend to be able to find a compromise, and I'd always prefer that.