To ask those of you with healthy marriages

[readytodropnow]

How do you make up when you fight?
Does one of you always do the same thing?
Is one person always the one to make the effort ?
Are you both forgiving or do you just get over it?

Adult to adult discussion usually stops most rows before they start. We don’t argue much now.

Rows tended to be when additional stresses came into play - hours of a screaming baby, money too tight at the end of the month, inlaws visiting, ferry to catch etc. Whoever was in the wrong apologises although it’s rarely that one sided. Usually we take a breathing space - I have a bath and he’s more likely to do a physical thing like fetch logs.

After we’ve calmed down we’ll generally each realise the part we played. He’ll usually bring me a glass of wine or mug of tea and light the bathroom candles. Then he’ll put his cheek near my face for a kiss.

We’re both forgiving. We’re both committed to making it work forever.
We share strongly embedded core values. We are kind to each other (and others generally). We are considerate of each other and still make each other laugh. Sometimes we’ll do things we don’t really want to for each other.

We have a bit of a shout (or a furious and extremely polite normal tone of voice since we moved to a flat), one or both of us goes off in a huff to another room, then maybe a few minutes later (never more than half an hour) the person who feels guiltiest slinks back in and offers a half-arsed apology. It works for us. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a classic for a reason.

I think it helps that we don't actually want to fall out with each other. Also generally we share the same views about the big stuff so when we argue it's rarely about anything important enough to seriously fall out over. Our last argument was about whether the shopping list should be written by the person who does the cooking or the person who pays for it.

I will admit to being suspicious of couples who say they never argue. What happens when it's something you really really disagree on and neither of you is prepared to budge?

We talk about what went wrong and each accept our role in the disagreement.

More often than not I'm in the wrong. I can lose my temper but cool down quickly and always fully acknowledge any bad behaviour and apologise. I'm working on it.

DH is rarely unreasonable but that does mean he find it hard to admit he's been in the wrong.

We are of one mind though that we both treat each other with kindness and respect.

Usually one of us has been a grump and the other has reacted poorly so we both apologise, have a hug and move on.

The longer we have been together, we've become much better at defusing situations and recognising we need to walk away for a bit to calm down and not snipe at each other .

Whichever of us caves first apologises, we hug and it's done. We try not to go to bed angry.

We've been together 20 years this summer and have never had a fight. Yes, we've bickered and moaned at each other every so often but never argued that much that we need to 'make up'.

We don't fight as much now as we did in the early years. I have a fiery temper (that I'm much better at controlling now) and DH has mild ASD so doesn't always pick up on cues, so that was a steep learning curve.

After 10 years of marriage we're now better at raising issues before the frustration and anger set in. If we argue we both apologise, talk through how to fix it, and kiss and make up. We try not to go to sleep angry.

We don't argue. We're generally kind and loving towards one another and accepting of our differences so when we come you a disagreement it's usually a shock at first and then we sorry through it, accommodate the new knowledge and go on about our day. Neither of us festers or holds grudges so there's no old stuff that rears up.

I love the work “kind” in this context. We are kind to each other too. Nearly 40 years of kindness.

I agree about the word kind. We both treat each other kindly most of the time. And if we do argue, we both feel rubbish for upsetting the other, so end up both apologising. We then try to get to the bottom of what’s actually peed us off.

Agree - kindness is underrated - we are very kind to each other.

One or both of us apologises. If I am irrationally annoyed by something I walk away and explain why.

We rarely argue though.

We very rarely fight. Less than once a year. When we do, I’m more likely to be the one who apologises and tries to make it up.

Totally agree about being kind to each other.

We’ve never fought, but if I’ve been stroppy because I’m stressed then I apologise and he makes me feel better and goes out of his way to try and decrease what’s stressing me (if it’s possible).

We don't fight very often, in fact I can't remember the last time we fought.

From what I remember we both apologised.

Most often we both apologise as we have both played a part in it. Then we talk our the problem.

We do forgive a lot. I think forgiveness of everyday stuff is crucial. But neither of us has had to forgive anything really awful, thankfully. Sometimes I have brought things up more than once and we’ve needed to have a good long talk about the issue until it’s actually resolved.

I think managing a combination of not being an arse (ie don’t abuse, cheat or neglect) and resolving inevitable conflict well are key to a good marriage.

It seems to me that those of us in long relationships are agreeing on the kindness. But kindness has to be mutual. Maybe that’s what makes relationships last? Dp and I know that if one of us does sow thing that upsets the other, it is incredibly unlikely to be deliberate- so we start off thinking cock up not conspiracy.

Someone (ideally the person in the wrong although sometimes both parties are in the wrong) has to make the first move. You have to leave enough time for "cooling off" but not too long, as the longer you leave it, the harder it can become. I don't believe in sleeping on a problem - more never go to bed without clearing the air.

It's taken a while for me to learn to swallow my pride - DH and I are both quite opinionated - but I have found it much better to try to settle things sooner rather than later or a bad atmosphere can develop. I usually find it easier to discuss an issue calmly after we've got the initial heatedness out of the way.

We never argue, rarely if ever disagree or differ in opinion on anything and if we do we come to an agreement/compromise. We're kind and respectful of each other.

What's all this 'have a fight' stuff? I couldn't contemplate living with anyone I had arguments with, sounds horrid.

Surely a "DON"T LEAVE YOUR F-ING SHOES WHERE I'M GOING TO TRIP OVER THEM AGAIN!!" delivers a message in a more cathartic way than, "Listen, dh, may we sit down and discuss the issue that I am finding problematic about your choice of location for leaving your footwear? I understand that you may differ in your opinion so I shall listen without interrupting and then you can hear me." Aagggh!

You're just being obtuse. Of course it's not like that! If I nearly trip over his shoes, I tell him "I nearly tripped over your shoes!" and he'll say "Oh, sorry." and the moves them.

Communication is key. As is kindness, and respect. I wouldn't call a friend a twat, so why would I call my husband one?

“I will admit to being suspicious of couples who say they never argue. What happens when it's something you really really disagree on and neither of you is prepared to budge?“
What sort of thing do you mean?

I agree on kindness. Also respect and consideration. I am constantly disappointed at the many threads on here where the OP's husband has stayed out all night and not contacted them.

DH and I have never done this to each other and never will.

“I will admit to being suspicious of couples who say they never argue. What happens when it's something you really really disagree on and neither of you is prepared to budge?“
That’s probably the sort of thing enduring couples discuss before setting up a life together - whether you want children, if they’ll be baptised, private or state school, fidelity, types of holidays, degree of togetherness, wider family relationships, finances.
I find it odd that some people are daft enough to have children with someone they know very little about. How can you marry someone when you don’t know their views on say, capital punishment or abortion?

I can’t imagine being an hour late home from work, because trains are delayed, and not having the courtesy to phone each other.