To ask those of you with healthy marriages

[readytodropnow]

How do you make up when you fight?
Does one of you always do the same thing?
Is one person always the one to make the effort ?
Are you both forgiving or do you just get over it?

We don't ever really fight - we're both very vocal so if something pisses one of us of, then we say it. I don't believe in holding a grudge or carrying things on.

It wasn't always that way, and in fact 10 years ago we split for a few months. We were both very unhappy, but realised that we were even more unhappy apart. Since being back together, we've never let a situation build like that again and we both learned an awful lot about each other. He's the person I trust the most in the world, and whilst I don't always like him at times, I always love him. We even work together 3 days a week! We celebrated our 25th anniversary last year.

I think a lot of people will be reading this thread and feeling quite upset about the fact that they DO argue.

I think it possible that some people, including me and dh, do find living with another person whose personality is different from yours to be a challenge. But somehow we don't feel that the problem is insoluble. I think you search for ways to communicate better and it takes a massive amount of heartache and soul searching to find what it is you are actually arguing about. what you want from each other and from life, that you are not getting, that is making you argue in the first place. And what do you want to give back to the other person.

I remember reading Sheila Hancock talking about John Thaw (Inspector Morse) and she was talking about how "forgiveness" was an essential part of marriage. And yes, you constantly having to forgive the other person when they let you down in ways that you never expected to mind.

today we argued about the teastrainer (dh has to keep buying new teastrainers when I don't put them back in the right place. I have no interest in teastrainers as I'm very good at managing these things without gadgets) and dogs (I want one, dh doesn't) It is difficult to know how to avoid those sort of arguments unless we were saints and had consulted some sort of celestial checklist on the duties of married people before we met up. You need to have a heart to heart about the background issues before you can ever hope to avoid those arguments.

I think the question is a bit of red herring as some posters have said, it is not about how you resolve arguments, but how the arguments even started in the first place that is the issue.

No, I think that when you go beyond the level of words and try and reengage on some emotional level, touch, kindness, forgiveness, understanding then arguments ARE resolved. The more you put up with each other the better you get at it, as long as it is a two way thing not just an eternal racket.

Which some people do get hooked on, just bickering and enabling each other's anger.

Neither of us are sulkers and we are both v kind and considerate people, especially to each other.

Totally agree with the above, mutual kindness and consideration is really important.

DH and I like a bicker and have the occasional row, but if it's getting heated, one or both of us will put a stop to it by saying "I don't want to argue with you." Usually followed by a hug.

It's interesting that many people are saying they have shared values and opinions...DH and I have some shared values (e.g. fidelity) but have different opinions on many things. But, we like to discuss them and try to find common ground. Maybe that's helped us deal better with arguments!

We have been married 34 years and have never really fought. Yes, we have bickered, but not rowed. We even work together a lot of the time. Don't ask me how we manage it, we just do, we rub along just fine.

If I thought that dh never listened to my point of view and I was always having to forgive HIM I think that would be it. Finito. Divorce. Surrendered wife [or husband for that matter] - I cannot think of anything more hideous.

but then when you think of ways that they listen and are kind, maybe what you perceive to be a lack of sympathy on their part becomes less important. When they have done umpteen things for you that day, the teastrainer becomes less important. But why was the teastrainer even a source of argument? Because it was a trigger possibly about criticism (me), or a feeling from dh that he was being sidelined and no-one wanted to make his life easier by putting teastrainer where he could find it. Who knows...it seems terribly boring and sad that one should argue about such things, but people DO.

It’s been a work in progress!

DH slowly learnt to stop sulking after a row, I learnt to not expect instant happy happy happy.

Our mainstay is ‘is this worth wasting time on?’ Usually the answer is no and we move on. If it is important we agree to talk calmly and find common ground.

Most arguments are basically grow the fuck up and get over it!

We’ve been married nearly 18 years, not a smooth ride but sounds soppy, we just try to focus on what we’ve built together and looking after each other.

Been married a long time , and we don’t argue
We get on really well and want the same things as each other , so there’s nothing to argue about

We don't fight. We may have the very occasional tiff and the one in the wrong apologises, and that's it.

We've been married over 30 years.

It’s usually me who “makes the first move” with DH, by reminding him that he has been a total twat.

We don’t argue that much but when we do I insist on sorting it and NOT dragging bad feeling out for days on end (DH’s preferred method).

Life’s short. And often hard. I’m an advocate of laughing “it” off and moving on.

We rarely fall out but can both be a bit hot-tempered in terms of getting annoyed over what either of us perceives as unfair or wrong. We speak up and don't sulk. Whoever is in the wrong says sorry and we usually make up with a hug and kiss or a cuddle if we are in bed. It never drags on. I am a bit of a one for not letting DH get away with bad behaviour and if he does do anything I think is wrong I am very frank about it and will stick to my guns. He knows I am always right about it so never wriggles for long.

Address issues and niggles and annoyances when they happen, don't harbour them. Either voice them and a find a solution or decide it's not important enough and drop it. Realise what is important.

For those times that you don't do the above, we have a safeword that gets used for arguments. You know how sometimes you bicker about the dishwasher being loaded right and then before you know it you're dragging up every little thing that's annoyed you in the last 500 years? It's for that. Rules are you have to drop the whole argument, calm down and start again. No arguing. Agree to disagree or resolve it and move on. It gets used rarely, maybe 6 times in the last 4 years but it works.

I take longer to get over arguments then he does, I also hold grudges so this approach is really useful.

We have been together for over 23 years and married for 20 this year. We also rarely fight, we might have a big argument once a year and neither of us sleep well afterwards and we try and sort it out before going to bed. We do not speak ill of each other, or pick on past mistakes, always polite and considerate and never run each other down in front of others. My skin crawls when I hear of others doing this! I have learnt not to bring up something if I am having a wine because then he thinks its the wine talking.... and that irks me no end. Our last big fight was in July 2017 which was caused by someone telephoning Hubby while I was away complaining I had put a post up on the local community FB page accusing someone of animal abuse. Which I hadn't of course but Hubby who detests social media, had no way of knowing and couldn't understand why someone would lie about such a thing. He realises now he should have told the caller to .... off and speak to me if they had a problem, but instead sat and dwelt on the matter for 24 hours before I arrived home.

I was married for tens of years. If we disagreed, I would throw a tantrum and he would stay calm. It’s not the disagreements that lead us to divorce, it wasn’t that I was unhappy. I was unfulfilled. Big difference, he would make up if we fought. He would forgive, I would just get over it,

I know now that if you fight, you’re not right for each other. What’s the point of being with someone if you can’t see eye to eye on things ?

Cup of tea = peace
you want a cup of tea if the other says yes argument over if other one says no there still annoyed ask again in another half hour..
I love a good argument clears the air gets you back on track.

Humour. (I take full credit for this).
Giving each other space AND working as a team.
I'd say we are both fairly easy going people and, while we may bicker over stupid stuff, we almost never fight.

We rarely fight but if we do then we both apologise. Even if one was more 'in the wrong' than the other. We always forgive each other and never go to bed on an argument/bicker.

I'm so surprised that so few of you argue!

My DH was the first partner I'd ever argued with and I think I married him because I felt I'd finally met my match.

We're both strong personalities and hot headed, so quite minor things can escalate into loud disagreements.

We rarely apologise and usually end up just forgetting about it. We're actually best friends and it's never boring, even after almost 24 years together!!

I know now that if you fight, you’re not right for each other. What’s the point of being with someone if you can’t see eye to eye on things ?

We have been married for 35 years and there are plenty of things we don't see eye to eye on. You don't have to agree with someone to get on with them.

What matters is that we agree on the basics. We have the same goals. We like a quiet life these days but we have had some humdingers of rows over the years, usually about something and nothing. We have periods of bickering, or of getting on each other's nerves, and occasionally an all out screaming row. None of these things matter, usually the argument is about something unrelated to feelings anyway, what matters is your ability to put it right afterwards. Neither of us are sulkers, or hold a grudge, most rows have been solved with a cup of tea and a natter followed by swiftly apologising (both of us) and moving on.

My in laws never rowed, never a raised voice nor a cross word and they were married for 60yrs. They didn't agree on everything, they annoyed each other at times, but they would never act on it. MIL got on with being a wife and FIL got on with being the head of the house. They were horrified when they saw me and dh having a heated disagreement about something. DH says it was like living in a parallel universe. I agree with a pp that it's not normal, healthy behaviour, in that situation someone is always deferring to the other.

It's not necessary to avoid conflict at all costs. It is necessary to have good communication, a way of resolving that conflict and the ability to learn and move on from it. And kindness.

The last actual argument DH and I had was in 1994, and we had been married over 10 years then.
We don’t argue, our key priorities are the same, but many of the things that one of us feel very strongly about, the other doesn’t, so decisions are easy. Both of us are academics, so used to having reasoned discussions without confusing rejection of an opinion with rejecting the person.
My parents often fought, his didn’t. Both sets stayed married.

I know now that if you fight, you’re not right for each other

What utter crap.

I don't think there is one relationship dynamic that works for everyone. Some couples may never disagree, others may disagree a lot, but both can be good relationships.

DH and I don't always agree. We do fight from time to time but have learned that occasional arguments can be part of a healthy relationship so long as you learn how to work through them. I actually think it's good for children to see how arguments can be overcome. DH grew up in a household where his parents never argued but it was because his DM had learned never to offer an opinion that went against his DF.

If couples genuinely hold all the same views, all well and good. A shared sense of values is important in a relationship. I would think it's highly unusual to agree on absolutely everything though and it isn't good for the balance of power in a relationship if one person constantly witholds their opinion because they don't want to disagree with the other.

This has been such an uplifting helpful thread. It gives me hope that I will one day meet someone who I am suited to, who is kind and respectful. I can not imagine the life most of you are describing (as I am stuck in an abusive relationship) and after so many years I have just found ways to cope with years of sulking, continual blame, anger misdirected at me, put downs etc. The life many of you describe sounds like a fairytale or a lovely dream, a fantasy to someone like me. But so many examples of healthy interaction, men who say sorry, who don’t pick fights etc, is getting through to me. It helps so much to read it as it makes my motivation stronger to leave. Most women I know are also in toxic relationships so I have been kind of just accepting that this is how life is and putting up with it. Thanks everyone.

Oh Mummadeeze. You really, truly deserve someone who is kind and treats you well

There's lots of conflation between disagreement and arguing on this thread. DH and I never argue but we disagree plenty.

We dont argue / fight too much. No shouting matches but i might sulk or go silent or talk under my breath ( he hates that !). He usually sits it out and waits for me to calm down.... ( I'm usually the offending party ). I usually apologise and realise I'm being a bit of a b####h.

If it's him( rarely is) , it's usually in response to me ! He'd normally walk out of the room and calm down. He's not the best for apologising but would bring me a cuppa when he's over it.
Thankfully, we both get on very well and seem to compliment each other's personalities. I know how very lucky I am , so not being smug here, as I grew up with domestic violence .