To ask those of you with healthy marriages

[readytodropnow]

How do you make up when you fight?
Does one of you always do the same thing?
Is one person always the one to make the effort ?
Are you both forgiving or do you just get over it?

We've been married 15 years and never fight.

I will admit to being suspicious of couples who say they never argue. What happens when it's something you really really disagree on and neither of you is prepared to budge?“

Suspicious in that you think they are lying? Or suspicious of what? We just don't really have many important things we really disagree on tbh. If we did, one of us would budge, because we aren't particularly stubborn. If we do disagree, we will discuss it sensibly, not have a row.

Bertand I agree with the fact we start at cock up not conspiracy. I assume DH has the best motivations behind his actions. If I can't work it out I'll say "When you do X it comes across as Y" and we will talk about it.

All these people who can't understand how you resolve things or get your emotions out without a row are really interesting. Me and DH just don't argue. We disagree on bits all the time and we also both pick each other up on shit behaviour all the time. The difference is we really respect each other so we are willing to respect what the other is saying and therefore don't need to get defensive. Sometimes it's a lot of talking but we feel like we're getting closer and more in love as time goes on so somethings working.

That doesn't mean A Big Talk at every little thing. Small things we just joke about or treat sarcastically e.g. "was it a bit hard to put your coat on the hook haha"... again neither of us is defensive so we can both laugh and also maybe make an effort next time

We are both perfect and never do anything wrong. We are also both conflict avoiders. Sorry, not very helpful to you, but it works for us.

“I can’t imagine being an hour late home from work, because trains are delayed, and not having the courtesy to phone each other.”

Yes, this sort of thing baffles me. Why do people treat their oartners with less courtesy and consideration than they would treat a friend or a flat mate?
Also, I think it helped us that we had been together for 15 years before we had children. 15 years of dinners a deux and there was very little we didn’t know about each other!

I will admit to being suspicious of couples who say they never argue. What happens when it's something you really really disagree on and neither of you is prepared to budge?

But how does fighting resolve the issue here? Whoever screams loudest, wins?

And depends on what you're talking about, but if it's something that must be decided then clearly we can't live with neither not budging. We will find some kind of compromise.

“What happens when it's something you really really disagree on and neither of you is prepared to budge?”
I’m struggling to think of something that would fit this description. Do you mean about something external like politics? Or something about raising children -smacking or something like that?

We have been together for over 20 years and have rarely argued. We have small episodes of sarcastic bickering over minor issues but it doesn't escalate.
I guess it's mostly because we are in agreement on the major issues so there is very little to fall out about. We have had the odd rough patch when the kids were little, once when DH was made redundant but I can't bottle things up so not much gets stored up.
We have never ever had a screaming row calling names or anything.
We are both v sarcastic and have banter where we might jokingly call each other names but we're laughing at the time.
After two kids, redundancies (both of us) bereavements and post natal depression we have each others back. When stuff bothers me, I remember all the times he has been there and done exactly the right thing at exactly the right time and I can't stay mad.
If he does anything that bothers me I tell him and we discuss and vice versa. I have had to trust him with my life and he didn't let me down.

Dh and I have various arguments - big and small. The big ones have mostly been in the past, and over important things like (his) overspending. Dh is kind, thinks the world of me and the dcs and is honest, hardworking etc etc... but money does burn a hole in his pocket and that has caused a few barneys. Surely even the most perfect of couples have one thing they don't see eye to eye on?

Small arguments are, for example, at the pub quiz. We are both quite competitive and when dh insisted he was right and he was wrong and then he was that I was . It had to be a silent row though as we were in the middle of the Coach & Horses. Dh said he would hate to be married to someone who was a "it's all a bit of a laugh/who cares" type of person.

I will admit to being suspicious of couples who say they never argue. What happens when it's something you really really disagree on and neither of you is prepared to budge?

I’m not sure what this would be. We knew we were on the same page about the really important things (family, kids, money, ambition, household responsibilities) before we got married. We don’t always have the same opinion on the smaller stuff (politics, hobbies, tv programmes, books etc), but we don’t need to. We can have lively and enjoyable debates about these things without it ever being a disagreement, and there’s certainly no need to argue about it.

It’s obviously not impossible that one day we might encounter a serious issue that we don’t agree on (although we are very closely aligned in our attitudes and behaviours, so it’s hard to imagine what it would be). I still don’t think we would argue though. We prioritise treating each other with kindness and respect, so if we disagreed on something important we would just talk it out until we came to an acceptable solution.

I will admit to being suspicious of couples who say they never argue. What happens when it's something you really really disagree on and neither of you is prepared to budge?

There will be issues that you don't agree on (with DH and me it tends to be how long his mum should stay! ) but it's possible to disagree without shouting or saying hurtful things to each other.

I've come from an abusive relationship where I had to walk on eggshells to a healthy and equal one.
We rarely fight which is a revelation in itself as I used to assume I was narky and aggressive, turns out I'm not, I was just with the wrong man.
If we fall out we tend to talk about this issue pretty quickly and both will apologise if we are wrong. We aren't nasty and we don't say things we couldn't take back. We both respect each other.

I think it says a lot that you think you can't disagree with someone without arguing with them!

We rarely have serious arguments. If we disagree we chat. And listen to each other. We usually both end up apologising. Compromise, being respectful and listening is key for us.

I will admit to being suspicious of couples who say they never argue. What happens when it's something you really really disagree on and neither of you is prepared to budge

I would agree that this doesn't sound normal, but if you'd have met my parents you'd have seen it.
They just missed celebrating their Golden Anniversary and died within months of each other.
Not a cross word throughout their marriage. I never heard them disagree , let alone shout or argue. Friends first, lovers last

DH always apologises first. Though we don't let fights rumble on too long. We mostly forget what we were fighting about

We rarely fight. It doesn't accomplish anything.

I sometimes have the fight in my own head to see how it would play out (DH is predictable). Most often he wins!

We do fight. We have minor disagreements but we usually end up laughing at how silly we’ve been and always hug

We’ve never had a fight. Had the odd ‘bicker’ or disagreement but we both forget about it in a matter of minutes. We’re very similar people!

My husband takes a bad situation and makes it a hundred times worse.

We don't fight often but when we do, it's proper Coronation Street style fights.
We find the best way to end the fight is for one of us to go out and you can guarantee that within half an hour, one of us will have phoned the other and apologised even if they're not the one in the wrong.
We do talk about it and make sure we tell each other how we feel but once we've had the Big Blow Up (wasn't going to add "Up" there but then realised how wrong that would look), we manage to talk about stuff calmly without starting again.
Most arguments are because my husband is an ogre when he wakes up - morning person he is not - unless I wave bacon under his nose. I can also get a bit naggy if he needs to be up and he reverts back to being a teenager superglued to the bed.
We just kind of get over it though and then drop it completely - maybe we're both too lazy to argue :D

We have been married 15 years we rarely have proper big arguments, now and then we may disagree. We talk it through, no need to argue if we both listen. We tend to talk about things before it becomes an issue.

If we do argue, it will usually be obvious who should apologise and then we move on swiftly. No one holds grudges or resentment. If there is still bad feeling then we keep talking until it is resolved. I dont think we are doing anything out of the ordinary. We get on well 90 per cent of the time.

DH always strops the most but then when he has really peed me off to the point where I don’t feel like having anything to do with him, he always apologies as he hates being given what he calls the silent treatment! We argue quite often but never for very long...we usually end up with one making the other laugh. DD hates it when we argue but I have explained that it’s better to let it out than to let something annoying fester.

Our last “fight” was 18 years ago. I completed overreacted, he gave me space to calm down, and then I apologised once I realised how ridiculous I was being.

We’re quite good communicators in general and can call each other out on behaviour or actions we don’t like without it becoming an argument.

We don't argue often and we make up just by calming down and giving the other a bit of space.

Usually a cup of coffee is offered as a peacemaking gesture.

We talk about the argument the following day with each of us giving our perspective.

I've just read that back, and it sounds incredibly twee, sorry.
We've both had failed marriages before and we were determined that this one was going to work.

Why do some people struggle to understand that couples who don't fight exist?

I simply couldn't live with someone who holds such different values from me. DH and I sometimes bicker and grumble, but we have never had a fight in our 37 year marriage.