To ask those of you with healthy marriages

[readytodropnow]

How do you make up when you fight?
Does one of you always do the same thing?
Is one person always the one to make the effort ?
Are you both forgiving or do you just get over it?

Only read the first page. Don’t know what the rest says but so far looks like you’re only going to get replies from those that “hardly ever fight” or are great at the whole thing. Those with shit marriages are probably less likely to respond maybe?? So not really not a representation of truth. Not being negative but every couple I’ve known that never fights splits up. How can two people live together and never argue, ever? Not normal.

not being negative but every couple I’ve known that never fights splits up.

Oh here we go again...
How about reading the thread where people explain why they don't need to fight and argue?

Those with shit marriages are probably less likely to respond maybe??

Well obviously, as the OP asked people in healthy marriages to respond.

Only read the first page.

Yes, it shows.

Not being negative but every couple I’ve known that never fights splits up

People split up all the time. It may come as a surprise to you but people can actually split up without hating each other for an extended time first.

It's not normal to have shouting rows. I wouldn't have friends in my life that shout at me so why would I do it in my own house?

“Not being negative but every couple I’ve known that never fights splits up. How can two people live together and never argue, ever? Not normal.”

I think you might be mistaking “never fight” with “never disagree”

I used to think sitcoms with parents who liked each other and resolved issues by conversation and civilised debate were ridiculous TV fantasy - I'd grown up with parents who fought over everything and I hated it, my parents were always either fighting, on the edge of fighting or sulking with each other. But dh and I really do not fight about things we disagree about, if we can't agree or compromise, the person who feels most strongly gets their way.

We don't really argue anymore. Usually we just move past it though, make a cuppa and discuss it calmly later. Generally there's nothing to apologise for as it's usually a heated conversation about a difference in opinion so neither of us is wrong as such. As long as it's resolved that's enough.

90/100 we are more interested in the fight being over and relations being amicable again than we are about the issue. So we give each other a little space to get over the hot headedness and hug and kiss to make up.

5/100 we are drunken messes who are too inebriated to rationalise our thoughts, and in the morning we laugh at what idiots we both were.

5/100 we're both just a bit tetchy for whatever reason and it's never a full blown fight, more like sniping, and we don't hug and make up but rather come back to a good mood.

LaFreaka funny you say that. I always thought the sitcoms where couples are always fighting and arguing and making negative, disparaging comments about each other, were just a joke. I mean, why would you want to be together with a person you clearly dislike? Only discovered later that many, many families actually live like that.

My parents don't fight (they've always had their opinions, those were discussed and solotions/compromises found without arguing), but I guess I'll have to let them know that they will inevitably break up after the 40+ years of marriage.

We don't really fight but if we have had a disagreement or anything we normally send jokey text messages the next day.
Obviously wouldn't work if we'd disagreed about something really serious.

@KatharinaRosalie my parents are still together after 62 years of marriage - I spent my childhood begging them to get divorced. Listening to my parents fighting all the time was scary, upsetting, disturbing and ultimately disrespectful and torturous to everyone else living in the house - but we didn't matter.

If I m a knob i say sorry - if he’s a knob he does.
I ve learnt in my old age.. that being sorry is nt a sign of weakness .. it’s a sign of strength and being accountable !
Last Sunday I was in a foul mood .. snappy at him .. then realised I had had a bad dream where he was mean to me and he had nt done anything at all .. I went and told him !! He laughed as it’s hspoened before .. in an earlier dream he d lost my dog but did nt care !! .
God I was in a mood web I woke up ! It’s our standard joke now!! he did nt lose the dog ! .
🤣🤣🙌🙌

I love him and he’s always big enough to say sorry quickly and with out ifs and buts.. so I can surely do the same.

We just apologise.
We're very civil when we argue though, never name-call, shout or purposefully exaggerate so it's quite easy to apologise and to forgive.

"Not being negative but every couple I’ve known that never fights splits up"

You are being negative

OH and I never fight. Neither of us is confrontational and both of us are emotionally intelligent enough to be able to talk through any issues that we disagree on. Fundamentally we share the same values. We trust and respect each other, so any disagreements are only minor anyway. We also got to know each other pretty well before we got married.

I don't understand couples who stay together in a relationship that is full of aggression and confrontation. That is not how I want to live my life.

Those with shit marriages are probably less likely to respond maybe?? So not really not a representation of truth

To be fair, the thread title is "To ask those of you with healthy marriages"!

LaFreaka that is sad. Do they actually enjoy it then?

Ultimately a marriage is made up of two individual people. If those people are aggressive, petty, uncivilised, lacking in self-control, or generally inclined to think that shouting is a solution, there will be rows. If not, there is no need for rows. I don't like rows, so I don't have them. And I wouldn't have persisted in a long term relationship with a man who did have rows.

My thoughts exactly Slowknitter

Flip. I rowed with my husband a lot. I certainly was not uncivilized.

He was, in the main, an abusive prick. And has admitted as much.

When you are so ground down exhausted and in despair, the rows are often one person doing the agitating and the other, reacting.

Certainly the behaviour at the time is petty and/or aggressive. Doesn't mean the person is those things.

Anyway I LTB and am far better at managing conflict because there is barely any.

I am a diplomatic and fair-minded person by nature, who struggled with her self-esteem and picked the wrong guy. I hate rows and arguments. They're counterproductive in the main.

It's good to learn about positive strategies from this thread for being in a relationship again (unlikely but that's another story)

Well there you go, apintofharp - as a civilised person you realised that your exh wasn't one.

Admittedly it's easy for me to say I wouldn't tolerate a relationship with rows, because I am lucky enough to have had a stable, upbringing with happily married parents and have never been in an abusive relationship. And maybe I'm unusual in that, but that doesn't mean it's good to normalise anger and verbal abuse in marriages. I find it totally baffling that anyone would think a relationship without rows was weird or somehow lacking.

Agree again Slowknitter

Thank you slowknitter.

Yes anger that isn't constructively expressed is deeply corrosive; it takes practice and a desire to change for the better, when default position is shouting/insults.

Peace all!

We rarely fight but we both apologise and we get over it no fight is worth it