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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not get excited about getting married anymore?

182 replies

rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 11:15

DP and I have always said that when his divorce is finalised we'll get married. He has proposed without a ring but has said he knows exactly what ring he'll get me. We've talked about it and I've always said I want to be surprised whenever he actually has the ring. I know he feels it's wrong to be officially engaged when the divorce is still processing. I actually don't mind any of it anymore. I'm happy the way we are. We have a home, a dog, a cat, and TTC. We have a life together and I don't see getting married as something we have to do to be happy. I love him and he loves me like we've never loved before, I just don't feel like I need a public affirmation of it. AIBU for feeling this way? I know he still want to and I do too, I just don't feel like we have to to be happy.

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 08/02/2019 11:20

Well, of course you don't have to. As long as you retain your financial independence and are aware of all the benefits and drawbacks of remaining unmarried, that's fine. Just don't do it blindly.

OMGithurts · 08/02/2019 11:25

There's no way in hell I'd be sharing a home and trying for a baby with a man still legally wed to someone else. Has he updated his will etc? If he dropped dead today she is still his wife and would be entitled to inherit his assets.

Original poster

rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 11:33

There's no will as there are no assets. I'm financially independent. I thought the same as you OMG but then realised I was missing out if we only moved in together until there were no legal ties between him and his ex.

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 08/02/2019 11:37

Bes you get him insured then !

MsVestibule · 08/02/2019 11:40

I know he still want to and I do too, I just don't feel like we have to to be happy.. Thinking you get married 'to be happy' is quite naive. Marriage is a legally binding contract, not a guarantee of happiness.

If there are no assets, you plan to continue working FT if you have a baby, don't mind that you're unlikely to receive death benefits normally reserved for spouses/civil partners and don't really want to, then don't bother.

WH1SPERS · 08/02/2019 11:40

No assets at all? Neither of you have any savings, life insurance or pension? Have you never lived in the UK and paid into a state pension ?

What are the pension rules where you live?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/02/2019 11:41

Not married is fine!
As long as you're legally sorted so you have all then benefits of being married re wills /nok etc etc

Parthenope · 08/02/2019 11:42

Thinking you get married 'to be happy' is quite naive. Marriage is a legally binding contract, not a guarantee of happiness.

This. Also, how can there be no assets at all?

kimlo · 08/02/2019 11:43

how would you feel if he died and you couldn't organise the funeral? Or he was ill or in an accident and you decisions were made by his family and you had no say?

You can't be his next of kin unless you are married.

blueskiesovertheforest · 08/02/2019 11:43

You don't need to be married to be happy, but you do need to be bloody careful TTC with a man with no assets whatsoever who's still married to someone else. I hope you rent? Don't buy a house with him or let him live in a house you own and pay towards the mortgage...

Original poster

rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 11:46

His pension pot is quite small. Yes, there's the state pension but nobody knows what rules will exist by the time we retire. No savings, no life insurance. I do have savings and eventually will have an inheritance from my parents.

OP posts:

Hiphopopotamous · 08/02/2019 11:49

What PPs have said ^^

Why are there no assets?
Why is he not divorced yet?
What if he died? His wife would get his pension/death in service etc
His wife is still his NOK
If you bought a house together and anything happened to him, his wife would get his half

Seems stupid. He needs a divorce and it's not a very "modern" opinion but the security of marriage will help you and potential DCs if you were to split/anything were to happen to him.

RhiWrites · 08/02/2019 11:53

I’m glad you’re happy. You don’t have to be married, lots of people aren’t.

But don’t have financial assets in common with someone married to someone else. That’s wilfully blind.

Original poster

rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 11:54

There are no assets because they just didn't have an income high enough to have assets. They originally took the 2 year route. They're on the nici stage as far as I'm aware. We haven't bought a house yet.

OP posts:

blueskiesovertheforest · 08/02/2019 11:56

Be incredibly careful to protect your assets until at least the divorce is final

Original poster

rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 12:00

I'm very aware that anything financial between us would be shared with her until their divorce is final. I also think she wants to remarry, so it's just a matter of time really.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 12:10

Does he have children already with his wife?

WarpedGalaxy · 08/02/2019 12:10

I’m not sure what the point of your thread is. You already appear to have all the answers, and hey, if you don’t think marriage is necessary to your future financial security and rights as this man’s nok and are happy to live with and plan a baby with a man who is legally tied to another woman, great. Carry on.

paintinmyhairAgain · 08/02/2019 12:12

how do you know you will inherit ? just because you've been told, never take it as written as a done deal. there is always the real chance your parents will need money /equity release for their care as they get older.
you really need something more concrete in place with this guy esp. if you are ttc. what happens if the relationship fell apart where does that leave you except as possibly a single mum and that can be a big struggle in itself.

Original poster

rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 12:14

I don't have all the answers, I just wanted to know if anybody had had the same change of heart. Of what I understand from a financial POV marriage only protects the one with the lesser income. Which in this case isn't me.

OP posts:

paintinmyhairAgain · 08/02/2019 12:17

i really think you need to re read the replies rose, it's all simply laid out for you as others see it.

blueskiesovertheforest · 08/02/2019 12:18

I think the OP started the thread thinking about the cosy romantic happy ever (presumably she's still in the warm rose tinted honeymoon year of a newish relationship and feeling loved up) and wanting to talk about existential bliss, or romantic weddings, or declarations of live, but has been answered by pragmatists talking about division of assets, pensions, life insurance and being utterly shafted if this relationship goes tits up...

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 12:18

Lots of people aren't bothered about getting married. It's just a legal document. If you are financially independent and keep it that way then there is no need to get married.

Does he have children?

AliyyaJann · 08/02/2019 12:18

Marriage is a commitment to another person. Why is he getting a divorce? If there was abuse or infidelity then understandable but if he got bored of her then you need to be very careful about having his children. Does he have any kids with stbxw?

Original poster

rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 12:18

@warped yes he does. @paint I already have from a late relative. My parents' do fine by themselves, but I agree I don't count on that but the one that has already been given to me.

OP posts:

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