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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get excited about getting married anymore?

182 replies

rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 11:15

DP and I have always said that when his divorce is finalised we'll get married. He has proposed without a ring but has said he knows exactly what ring he'll get me. We've talked about it and I've always said I want to be surprised whenever he actually has the ring. I know he feels it's wrong to be officially engaged when the divorce is still processing. I actually don't mind any of it anymore. I'm happy the way we are. We have a home, a dog, a cat, and TTC. We have a life together and I don't see getting married as something we have to do to be happy. I love him and he loves me like we've never loved before, I just don't feel like I need a public affirmation of it. AIBU for feeling this way? I know he still want to and I do too, I just don't feel like we have to to be happy.

OP posts:
AliyyaJann · 08/02/2019 12:38

He sounds a catch...

Merryhobnobs · 08/02/2019 12:40

When i met my now husband he was married - he had separated from his wife officially and it was amicable. They were waiting for the 1 year separation for the divorce to be finalised. I did feel apprehensive in that year but once the divorce was finalised and the property sold it was fine. I was never overly fussed about a big wedding and he wasn't either as he had already done that. Anyway we did eventually get married in our local town hall with our immediate family and our 1 year old daughter. It was a perfectly lovely wedding and we had a very nice and personalised ceremony. I am very happy to be married and for the legal protections it brings and very glad we did it our way with no fuss at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2019 12:42

Does he provide for his existing kids?

blueskiesovertheforest · 08/02/2019 12:42

How long have you been together, if you feel the moment has passed rose?

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 12:43

Well money isn't everything. He's a lovely father and is in good terms with his ex. We've actually met and had a chat about their children all very civil. He helps around the house and he's the most supportive man I've ever met. I'm having children with him because I want to have a child that is both him and me. I know financially we'll be ok.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 08/02/2019 12:44

I don't believe that piece of paper will make us more in love or happier

Well no one thinks that do they? It would be nonsensical.
I’ve been very happily married for 7 years. I would have been just as happy if we weren’t married. However we were planning to have children and I personally would be reluctant to do that without being married, for practical reasons. DH felt the same.

Birdsgottafly · 08/02/2019 12:44

Re NOK. It matters in regards to the Mental Health Act.

Being married allowed me to 'pull rank' when my DH's cancer had spread to his brain (in layman's terms), against his anti-vaxing/big pharma/non believing in MH care Family.

As someone's Adult Child, you are the one who can start proceedings for medical negligence etc, unless there is a Spouse.

If they get to the Hospital first they can claim the body and have them buried.

I know a cohabitatee who didn't get a share of an industrial accident payout, because the divorce hadn't gone through.

Marriage is a massive contract, in whatever form it takes.

If your wills are water tight, it solves some of the issues of inheritancy, but a will can be changed or not made at all.

Nowadays the likelyhood of severe disability or death is via a road accident, but it could also be terrorism etc. If you are both injured together, he dies, you don't get to claim his compensation. You may not be able to work again.

I've seen many scenarios over my lifetime to see how marriage benefits both parties, even if they started out as not being the one with money.

Springwalk · 08/02/2019 12:44

So you were enthusiastic before but it has faded to indifference?

Are you sure you are not going cold on the relationship? As his divorce finalises it is now a reality, somewhere inside you maybe have second thoughts?

It unusual to be excited about getting married and then suddenly not, it indicates that something is amiss even if you feel ‘happy’

I wouldn’t get married and would stay as you are for a while, see how you feel in a year from now. Cold feet feelings are not uncommon, but this early into the planning and engagement surely must be a red flag.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 12:44

@merry thanks! That sounds like my story, glad to hear I'm not the only one.
Obviously he provides for his children, otherwise he wouldn't be a good father.

OP posts:
Uptheapplesandpears · 08/02/2019 12:46

It's fine to marry either for romantic reasons, legal reasons or both. It's also fine to not marry for legal reasons. If you would only be marrying for legal reasons, feeling no more excited about that than you would a solicitor appointment is another thing that's fine.

What you should do is make an active decision about what you want, and proceed accordingly.

Birdsgottafly · 08/02/2019 12:46

"He's a lovely father and is in good terms with his ex. We've actually met and had a chat about their children all very civil."

Have you been involved with many 'happy' families, until a will/inheritance gets in the way? Or a Care decision?

Seaweed42 · 08/02/2019 12:46

Sounds like he 'needs' to be married, he likes the security and certainty of it. Did he meet you while he was still with his ex wife?
I'm not sure what question you are asking us?
You said everything's fine whichever way things are, so what is the query you have?

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 12:46

Ok so you want to marry and have children with him so there's no problem there.

Are you expecting him to do the second proposal on Valentines Day then? Is that why you're trying to decide what your answer will be?

Mmmmbrekkie · 08/02/2019 12:52

Can’t put my finger on it but there’s something about “off” about this

OP I suspect you are trying to convince yourself your partner is a better man than he actually is

Springwalk · 08/02/2019 12:54

I am not convinced you are as sure about this man as you pretend to be... sorry op

Smallhorse · 08/02/2019 12:54

If you are the richer one and likely to stay that way DO NOT GET MARRIED !

BunnyColvin · 08/02/2019 12:55

You don't have to get married if you don't want to, and in your case, it mightn't even be the thing to do. You just have to be very clear-headed about various scenarios that might happen in the future, whether you're married or not, and how you'll fare out in those circs based on the info you have now.

Whether you have a child with him before he's divorced or not may not matter in this scenario - as long as you keep your own job.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 08/02/2019 12:55

They're on the nici stage as far as I'm aware
But you're not 100% sure?

For me, this is the bit that makes me uncomfortable. You're talking marriage and babies, but you're not entirely sure about where he is in the divorce process? All being smooth with the divorce, you can apply for the decree absolute 43 days after the nisi, so it's not exactly a long process at this stage. Or is it the fact that he could be divorced in just over a month that is bringing your thoughts to the forefront?

BunnyColvin · 08/02/2019 12:56

Well money isn't everything.

That's what I thought - until I divorced. And it turns out, money kind of is everything! Also, what actions will you take to make sure you'll be 'financially ok'?

Springwalk · 08/02/2019 12:59

Sorry but money is everything when you have children and need to house, feed and look after them
for a minimum of eighteen years individually.
You won’t feel so relaxed about it then trust me.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 13:01

@birds yes I do... There are a few w*** in my family so I know how it can go.

No I was not the OW. When we met he said he actually never wanted to be married again.

We're both very clear we want to grow old with each other. I don't think he'll propose soon. I have just become ambivalent about it and trying to understand why. I don't love him any less, our relationship has become stronger as time goes by.

Thinking about it, I think before I wanted to formalise. I don't think there's any need anymore and that's why I'm ambivalent. I'm truly happy either way, I just thought that I would never be this way and would always want to get married.

OP posts:
JasperKarat · 08/02/2019 13:03

No future financial stability , no assets, no savings, he's still married to someone else and you're TTC? Ok,...

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 13:04

@thehodge you've nailed it! It was some vague date somewhere in the future and now it's around the corner.

OP posts:
BunnyColvin · 08/02/2019 13:05

We're both very clear we want to grow old with each other.

Hate to be a cynic, but lots of people say that and things still wind up going pear-shaped, and women often suddenly have a rewritten version of history forced on them. You need to think with your head, not your heart, and make sure YOU are safeguarded in any scenario.

Bluelady · 08/02/2019 13:06

My husband really wanted us to get married. I didn't care either way so we did. It wasn't a romantic gesture, it was a symbol of commitment and a legal arrangement. It really isn't about making you happier or less happy.