To not get excited about getting married anymore?

[rosetonightplease]

DP and I have always said that when his divorce is finalised we'll get married. He has proposed without a ring but has said he knows exactly what ring he'll get me. We've talked about it and I've always said I want to be surprised whenever he actually has the ring. I know he feels it's wrong to be officially engaged when the divorce is still processing. I actually don't mind any of it anymore. I'm happy the way we are. We have a home, a dog, a cat, and TTC. We have a life together and I don't see getting married as something we have to do to be happy. I love him and he loves me like we've never loved before, I just don't feel like I need a public affirmation of it. AIBU for feeling this way? I know he still want to and I do too, I just don't feel like we have to to be happy.

I think it's odd that a man comes straight out of one marriage and proposes another even before he has legally untangled himself from the first one.

I think the problem lies with him. Is he called Ross?

Ah. The last couple of posts sound a lot as though you're hedging your bets and not being honest with yourself rose

Also most people wouldn't regard a couple who've been together 18 months, living together for 3 months as a long established, practically married couple at all. That's a fairly fresh, new relationship even forgetting the fact one of the couple is married to someone else.

To be regarded as married without actually bring married you'd usually have been living together for years - 4 or 5 years if no kids, maybe a bit less with mutual children.

Most adults I know have had one or two or three previous long term relationships lasting a year or two including virtually or actually living together for a bit, with partners other than the person they ended up marrying, and don't consider the previous relationship to have been remotely the same as a marriage.

Fairenuff :o I hope he and his wife aren't "on a break"

4 or 5 years absolute minimum that is, maybe longer. The average couple supposedly marry after being together 5 years.

Blueskies Definitely not a break, and a bit out place. I've seen the divorce papers and have met her multiple times. She's been at ours I've been at hers. I've even met her boyfriend.

I do think him having children and living with us even if part time makes every feel more real. I am not going to call myself her step mum, but I do fulfill some sort of role. Ive helped looking after them when poorly, had Christmas dinner together and all of that.

I think you are probably both rushing into having a child together. That changes everything.

You barely know him really. His children need to be just as much as part of his life as any child he has with you.

Also, bear in mind that if your relationship breaks down and he moves on to the next woman, any child you have with him is likely to be spending EOW with his new family.

Whilst there is nothing wrong with that of course, it would tie you together for life much more than a marriage certificate.

rosetonightplease sorry, the on a break comment was uncalled for but related to the Ross from friends reference from Fairenuff . She's right that your DP sounds like one step further than a serial monogamist, serial bridegroom...

OP, does your friend who calls her DP her husband not realise how silly that makes her sound? They aren’t married, he’s not her husband. I genuinely don’t understand why people who don’t want to get married like to pretend they’re married. It’s weird.

You are rushing this way too much with a man that frankly isn't trustworthy.

He's been separated from his wife for two years, both happy about it too since they've moved on. Why are divorce proceedings taking so long? They should have been done by now, it's not exactly difficult when both sides are happy to split.

You've been with a married man for 18 months. If he gets killed tomorrow, she gets everything. Literally everything. You get nothing. She gets pension, assets, money etc the lot. You are entitled to fuck all.

And you want a baby with this man who can't be assed to get divorced? Because that's the gist of it, he can't be bothered. Otherwise it would be done. Whether that's to protect his child with her or what, I don't know. But he doesn't sound committed to you.

I agree with someone else, this all sounds so wrong.

She gets nothing because there's nothing. As simple as that. I don't know much about divorce timings but I think for divorce proceedings starting to finalising is fairly standard to take 6 months, which in the end is how long it will take. All his partners have been with him for many, many years. He was with his ex for more than 10 and with his previous one around 8. He might be a long term serial monogamist, that could be true , but could be said the same about me I've only ever had breaks of months between boyfriends.

She gets pension, assets, money etc the lot. You are entitled to fuck all.

He doesn't have any of those things Santaclarita.

Does he have children with any of the previous relationships OP?

really do you feel you've both been part of multiple long term couples? Practically married lots of times?

I'm wondering why, with the relationship histories you've just listed, you think 18 months dating and 3 months living together makes you a long established couple? People will be referring to you as your DP's new girlfriend still, without any bad feeling intended that is what you are, in context.

I only say that because you seem to feel you're a really well established long term couple who are as good as married and be talking as though you've been together 10 years, and to be telling yourself a few conflicting narratives about exactly what you want.

Also are you the same age as your DP's wife? Is he the same age as you/ her? Could it be you're about 10 years younger than his wife? Is she a few years younger than his previous ex?

I'm older than her, he's older than me, but only by a couple of years. Of the relationships that I've had this feels the most established and fulfilling. I didn't feel this way for my ex at all even though we were together for 8 years. He didn't believe in marriage so we never did it. In hindsight I'm very glad I never did. I think that's why I got so excited at the prospect of it.

And no only children with his ex.

You may get a bit more excited again after the divorce is finalised as it is real then and an actual possibility. You can't help when you meet someone and fall in love, it's not always the best timing but that's not to say it won't last.

If you are not really bothered about getting married. I would probably hold off and talk to him about it and put his proposal on hold.

Thanks Tigger that's a very kind and thoughtful answer. I think I will be excited again, once it becomes more of a possibility.

From reading through the thread I think the problem is the divorce. You're managing your emotions because at the end of the day, there is nothing you can do until it's finalised. I'm sure once it's done you'll be excited and motivated again.

Thank you, I just have to wait and see.

If it really does not mean a great deal to you, maybe just do registry office with his children so it is legal.
Get your wills done and get both of you insurance. That way his children and any you have together are not left with funeral costs. Also a way of paying for schools in future if, God forbid, anything should happen to either of you.
My DH is worth more to me dead than alive, as I keep reminding him 😀

For schools do you mean university or private schools? If the latter unfortunately there's no way we can afford them, especially with what would be 3 DC. By the time all DC go to uni, they can take a loan and we'll just help them within their means.

By your posts he must be at least in his late 30s and has no assets but can afford to provide for his current two children and could pay for a new baby. Why doesn't he have a pension or savings? What's his long time financial plan?

walls he can afford his 2 DC (as in CM) but that's about it. What's left helps with the household expenses. His pension is small because he always gives the minimum. There's nothing left to save. I don't think he has a long term financial plan. For me that's irrelevant. If I can afford my DC that's more than enough.