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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get excited about getting married anymore?

182 replies

rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 11:15

DP and I have always said that when his divorce is finalised we'll get married. He has proposed without a ring but has said he knows exactly what ring he'll get me. We've talked about it and I've always said I want to be surprised whenever he actually has the ring. I know he feels it's wrong to be officially engaged when the divorce is still processing. I actually don't mind any of it anymore. I'm happy the way we are. We have a home, a dog, a cat, and TTC. We have a life together and I don't see getting married as something we have to do to be happy. I love him and he loves me like we've never loved before, I just don't feel like I need a public affirmation of it. AIBU for feeling this way? I know he still want to and I do too, I just don't feel like we have to to be happy.

OP posts:
Mmmmbrekkie · 08/02/2019 12:20

You haven’t had a change of heart though

In your last line you say you still want to

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 12:21

You put it very well blue!

OP posts:
WitsEnding · 08/02/2019 12:22

I'm a bit confused because you say you both love each other and want to get married - but you aren't excited about getting married. Do you mean getting married feels like something you ought to do and you accept this but don't really care about it? Or that you've agreed he will propose and you will accept so you feel obliged to go through with it.

Personally I wouldn't TTC until his divorce comes through and if you feel lukewarm about marriage, put it off until such time as you do feel more enthusiastic. At the moment there's absolutely no reason to rush into anything.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 12:23

To put it simply I really wanted to and now I don't mind. Happy if I do, happy if I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 12:25

Wits your first description is exactly how I feel, thanks for putting it in such a straightforward way.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 12:26

Sorry to keep asking OP, but does he had children?

WarpedGalaxy · 08/02/2019 12:27

But you haven’t had a change of heart, you said you still want to get married and so does he, you just don’t think you need to in order to be happy. So why do you want to? If it’s not about happiness and it’s not about legal and financial security why are you even asking? Sounds to me like someone who can’t get married trying to convince themselves that it doesn’t matter when deep down they really think it does.

DeaflySilence · 08/02/2019 12:27

"You can't be his next of kin unless you are married."

I don't think that is true, @kimlo.

Next of kin is a title which you can give to anyone, be it partner, spouse, blood relative, even friend.

Add to that (unless with regard to children aged under the age of 18) Next of Kin means nothing as far as the law is concerned.

To bestow legal rights upon the person you regard as Next of Kin (or anyone else for that matter) you have to take some other action.

That action could be as simple as informing your GP Practice that you authorise x person to pick up your test results, or could be as complex as giving x a whole Lasting Power of Attorney (and lots of other stuff in between).

BobbinThreadbare123 · 08/02/2019 12:28

Do a civil partnership then. It's purely for legal protection for you and a kid. My XH did exactly this (although he did have assets, which he hid), setting up home and TTC with a woman while still married to me. I was glad to see she eventually nailed him down in marriage so that their offspring are protected if he trades her in for another... She also knows he's a cheat.

blueskiesovertheforest · 08/02/2019 12:29

How old are you rose ? Are you eager to TTC because of your age? If you're late 30s or older fair enough, protect yourself financially so that you could manage as a single mother. If you're under 34 though really, really consider waiting til after the divorce and think hard about the unromantic practicalities.

You need to be quite hard nosed and pragmatic about it and seriously think about what you're getting into TTC with a married man who already has children and hasn't got two pennies to his name, whilst you're currently financially comfortable ...

The warm romantic glow is lovely but it will not last, even if your relationship is rock solid, and pragmatically you're starting off at a disadvantage...

How much responsibility (financial and day to day) does your DP take for his children? Its a model for how he'll treat yours...

paintinmyhairAgain · 08/02/2019 12:29

okay ,you have assets in form of your inheritance you have received which is good, but you need to make sure it's protected all the same.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 12:30

@fair yes he does. @warped exactly. I don't know why/or wouldn't want to. I don't believe that piece of paper will make us more in love or happier. I think I originally wanted the grand gesture of the proposal but now that we live together I can't see what difference would it make.

OP posts:
Mmmmbrekkie · 08/02/2019 12:30

But you say you still want to ie present tense!

longearedbat · 08/02/2019 12:31

Even if there are no assets, having a will with a named executor makes dealing with all the paperwork after death makes life a lot easier. Banks/mortgage companies etc etc expect to deal with executors, and in the absence of a will they may want letters of administration instead, which will cost you in solicitors fees to obtain. I can't believe your partner has no assets at all tbh. Everybody has something, even if it is just last month's wages in a current account, clothing, furniture etc. Death may be the last thing from your minds of course, but you will need something in place when you have a child.

Rachelle3211 · 08/02/2019 12:31

I would be more concerned about tttc with a man who is legally married and has children. How long has he been separated? How often does he have his kids? That's a huge adjustment for children.

Littletabbyocelot · 08/02/2019 12:32

I think I'd feel weird about getting engaged because his divorce has come through - in that it's more about their relationship than yours?

I felt that my DH and I missed the point in our relationship where marriage was a natural, exciting step - in our case because we were too young (in our minds). By the time we felt old enough to be married, it felt like we were already past that point in our relationship. Standing up in front of family and friends to declare our love felt almost silly. We did it for practical reasons and it was an enjoyable day but it wasn't a romantic, exciting experience because we it wasn't profoundly changing anything.

paintinmyhairAgain · 08/02/2019 12:32

blue sorry but where did op say he had dc ? i'm being a bit dim today Smile

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 12:33

The clock is ticking for my fertility, that is true. He's a very good father there no denying it.

OP posts:
blueskiesovertheforest · 08/02/2019 12:34

Grand gestures, proposals, public displays of affection, big weddings with fancy outfits - meaningless long term.

How he treats his existing children and ex and his practical day to day behaviour (does he pull his weight around the house, does he work and has he held down the same job long term - earnings don't matter but reliability does - is he respectful to women in general) are what you want to look at.

Desmondo2016 · 08/02/2019 12:34

I think you've spoilt it for yourselves by jumping the gun before he is available to honestly propose. Call me old fashioned!

blueskiesovertheforest · 08/02/2019 12:35

PaintinmyhairAgain 12:18, jus "yes he does" in answer to a question, easy to miss.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 12:35

OK so he does have children.

So this man, who has no assets, life insurance, pension or savings, already needs to provide for (how many?) children and is also in the process of trying to create another one.

The cynical side of me would say that he knows you have this money coming from your inheritance and if he marries you he will be entitled to half of it.

If you go ahead and have a child with him you will have to make sure that you can solely provide for the child because I don't think you can rely on him to pay much if you separate.

So before you get pregnant, work out whether you would still be financially stable if you have to give away half your inheritance and pay for childcare whilst you go to work. If you can afford to do that and you still want to make another adult human with this man, then go ahead, marry him and procreate.

If you have any doubts at all, don't marry him and possibly consider some contraception until he has proved that he's not a deadbeat dad to his existing children.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 12:36

@littletabby yes that's more or less how I feel!

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 08/02/2019 12:36

I don't believe that piece of paper will make us more in love or happier.

Nobody thinks this. That's not why people get married.

paintinmyhairAgain · 08/02/2019 12:37

blue thanks for that one Blush in that case, no way would i be ttc while he's married and there seems to be no security on his side.