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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get excited about getting married anymore?

182 replies

rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 11:15

DP and I have always said that when his divorce is finalised we'll get married. He has proposed without a ring but has said he knows exactly what ring he'll get me. We've talked about it and I've always said I want to be surprised whenever he actually has the ring. I know he feels it's wrong to be officially engaged when the divorce is still processing. I actually don't mind any of it anymore. I'm happy the way we are. We have a home, a dog, a cat, and TTC. We have a life together and I don't see getting married as something we have to do to be happy. I love him and he loves me like we've never loved before, I just don't feel like I need a public affirmation of it. AIBU for feeling this way? I know he still want to and I do too, I just don't feel like we have to to be happy.

OP posts:
newnameforthis7 · 08/02/2019 14:46

Nope. I would NEVER have a baby with a man I wasn't married to. Not in a million years. DO it. Get married. Even if it's just a quick register office ceremony. (With no guests just 2 witnesses...)

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 14:47

The legal fees would be no more than they are at present. So it wouldn't be costlier. In fact it would be cheaper because there would be no pressure on anyone to provide a wedding if they didn't want to and no relatives bumping costs up because if you invite so and so then you have to invite their partner, etc.

The marriage would be as lifelong as any other way of marrying. No-one should be compelled to stay in an unhappy marriage. However, they should realise the importance and financial significance of agreeing to the legal contract of marriage and start off with the intent of it being lifelong.

But I realise it's not to everyone's taste. Some people need the big display, some don't. I just think they should be separated so that it become the norm to think of a marriage as a legal contract rather than a wedding.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 14:48

But then he would be entitled to half her inheritance newname. Unless he would agree to a pre-nup OP?

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 14:49

But prenups are not legally binding are they?

OP posts:
newnameforthis7 · 08/02/2019 15:00

Nope prenups are not legally binding. Not in the UK.

newnameforthis7 · 08/02/2019 15:02

@Fairenuff

I think if the shoe was on the other foot, no-one on here would be worried about a woman getting half of a man's inheritance. They would be saying 'you are married, you have kids with him, you are ENTITLED to half of EVERYTHING. He shouldn't have married you if he didn't want to share it with you....' Wink

PrismGuile · 08/02/2019 15:19

Don't see the point in being engaged to someone who is still married tbh. Worthless proposal.

Rachelle3211 · 08/02/2019 15:20

How old are his kids? How often does he have them?

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 15:23

No prenups are not legally binding but they do give an indication of intent which a judge will take into consideration in the case of separation.

For example if you inherited 500k, married him and divorced within a couple of years, a judge might rule that you keep your inheritance.

If it's 50k and you separate after 20 years together, a judge might rule he gets half.

It all depends on the judge's opinion of intent so the prenup helps.

newname if it were the OP's partner posting I would tell him to marry before he has a child so that he has financial protection, etc. But it's not him, it's OP and from her point of view it makes no sense to marry unless she particularly wants to.

LatentPhase · 08/02/2019 15:34

How long have you been together?

Smallhorse · 08/02/2019 15:37

“However Birdsgottafly 's post is worth rereading several times. If he got terminal cancer in 15 years time, would you be ok with his by then adult DC from his marriage making all his decisions if he became medically incapable, claiming his body and organising the funeral - potentially banning you from any role in it if there's been a fall out by then?”

The man at the centre of this can decide who’s quite simply by powere of atourney..

And to digress, why wouldn’t his children have a say in this ?

I organised everything to do with my dad’s funeral , his second wife ( not my mum) didn’t do anything.

Smallhorse · 08/02/2019 15:40

userxx

“My cousin is about to get married to a guy with no assets, she owns a mortgage free property and is petrified that he will be able to take her for half of it when she ends up divorcing. Its absolute madness.’

Is is indeed madness! Can’t you stop her? I’d say the same whether your cousin was male or female !

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 16:43

We've been together for 18 months or so. His 2 year separation anniversary happened in November. When we met he had been separated for almost a year if I remember correctly.

OP posts:
paintinmyhairAgain · 08/02/2019 16:48

so there was no hurry to start divorce proceeding then.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 08/02/2019 16:49

Hell would freeze over vefore I legally shackled myself to another human being.

I've been married. Then divorced. Marriage protected me from nothing (no CSA - ever, no help, still demanded 'marital rights' and no one would help me).

Lumbered with his debts which he walked away from and I'm still paying them off.

I love DP, but I'll never marry again.

limpbizkit · 08/02/2019 16:50

This thread is depressing. @fairenuff yep. I expect that 'marriage' will really kick start the sexy honeymoon vibe Wink or will the honeymoon consist of 'part 3' of the legally binding contract. Yes marriage is a legal contract. BUT if that's the sole reason you actually feel compelled to marry someone it's very depressing indeed.

MotherOfDragons90 · 08/02/2019 16:59

I’m an adult DC who has power of attorney over my dad and my step mother (his current wife) doesn’t. I’m also named equally in his will.

You can make provisions for whatever outcome you want, legally. Being married doesn’t mean it can’t be overridden if your DH wishes for someone else to do/get these things. But if it’ll play on your mind that you don’t have the security, get married without the fuss!

I was like you OP, not sure I wanted a wedding when we were happy as we were. But DP proposed so we are getting married in a registry office with some friends as witnesses, then going on a night out. We are also having a lovely holiday/honeymoon with a blessing. You can go as low key as you like Smile

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 17:30

Yes marriage is a legal contract. BUT if that's the sole reason you actually feel compelled to marry someone it's very depressing indeed.

Why else would you marry? There is literally no other reason.

TheInnerVoice · 08/02/2019 18:24

Nothing wrong with not wanting to be married if you’re already happily living together, although i do think that some on here are looking at marriage purely as a practical thing when actually for many marriage is still seen as a confirmation of the feelings you have for one another and those shouldn’t be dismissed IMO.

However, you’ve been together for eighteen months, he was only six months out of a marriage when you got together, is not yet divorced and you’re already ttc A, after you’ve hardly been together any time at all, and B, while he’s still married to someone else.

How old are his existing children? How often does he see them? How often do they stay over? Who owns the house that you’re living in?

Eighteen months is hardly any time at all to have been together before TTC and it’s especially not a good idea to ttc a baby when the father of that baby is still married to someone else and you don’t even know when the divorce is likely to come through or even where they’re at with regards to that.

My eXH’s partner got pregnant very quickly after they got together. We were already divorced but the speed with which it happened has very definitely contributed to the breakdown of the relationship between him and our DC because they felt they were being replaced almost straight away.

And numerous people have asked how old the DC are and how much contact he has but you haven’t answered that? Is there a reason wy you’re being so evasive?

Rachelle3211 · 08/02/2019 18:29

18 months is not long at all. I'd be concerned why you are all rushing this so quickly. And yes how old are the kids, and how often does he see them? I have no idea why you won't answer this.

blueskiesovertheforest · 08/02/2019 18:39

I like Fairenuff 's idea, sounds eminently sensible. There's no good argument against the 6 month limit if there's nothing to save up for, and it stops people being strung along with pipe dreams and promises after a silly "romantic" proposal by someone with no intention of following through and entering into a legally binding contract - those women who've been "engaged" for 15 years with no wedding booked you see posting asking whether they are unreasonable to ask about setting a date when it eventually dawns on them he's not waiting for the perfect time but really has no intention of getting married with such monotonous regularly.

blueskiesovertheforest · 08/02/2019 18:49

limpbizkit when people already live together the marriage isn't likely to kick-start anything more than a long luxuary holiday would without the legal part. You sound like the OP asking whether a wedding will make her happy/ more in love.

Rose if you've only known one another 18 months it's ridiculous that you say the time when you were excited about marriage has past, because you barely know one another. How fast did you move in together?

The first year of living together should be a euphoric honeymoon period regardless of whether there's been a wedding.

If the relationship feels old after 18 months it doesn't have legs.

Most people don't even think about marriage so early.

Pumperthepumper · 08/02/2019 19:07

Rose do you have any children yourself?

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 19:46

No I don't have children. His DC spend the usual EOW plus one weekend arrangement with us. They're 12 and 8. I never said the relationship feels old, just that I'm happy the way things are and see marriage as necessary or as a deal breaker as I saw it before. We moved in officially once the 2 years' separation had passed. Before that he lived with me part time when he didn't have his DC. I think he started staying over more consistently after we had been dating for 9-10 months.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 08/02/2019 20:14

OP, a lot has been said on here about the legal side of marriage (some of it by me!) but TBH, that's not really why I got married. There was no real reason to marry my DH - indeed I had far, far more assets than he did, so in the event of a split, I would have been far better protected if we'd remained unmarried.

However, we had two DCs, we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and both of us believed that a lifetime commitment = marriage. Maybe social conditioning made us feel that way? Either way, it did feel different. Somehow, our relationship felt more solid, more permanent. I realise not everybody feels that way but it was right for us.

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