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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get excited about getting married anymore?

182 replies

rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 11:15

DP and I have always said that when his divorce is finalised we'll get married. He has proposed without a ring but has said he knows exactly what ring he'll get me. We've talked about it and I've always said I want to be surprised whenever he actually has the ring. I know he feels it's wrong to be officially engaged when the divorce is still processing. I actually don't mind any of it anymore. I'm happy the way we are. We have a home, a dog, a cat, and TTC. We have a life together and I don't see getting married as something we have to do to be happy. I love him and he loves me like we've never loved before, I just don't feel like I need a public affirmation of it. AIBU for feeling this way? I know he still want to and I do too, I just don't feel like we have to to be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 20:19

Thanks @msvestibule I think that makes sense. We have no children yet and maybe that's why I feel this way.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 08/02/2019 20:28

Just don't get engaged or married unless you're absolutely sure you're doing the right thing. I know the traditional advice is to not have DCs unless you're married, but unless you plan to take a step back from your career after having them and can afford to support them by yourself if necessary, it doesn't really matter.

When I was signing the register on our wedding day, I was 100% sure I was doing the right thing. Ten years later, I feel the same. Even if it all goes tits up tomorrow, I will still never regret getting married.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 21:31

I can afford them by myself. I'd never do it for financial protection.

OP posts:
RhymesWithOrange · 08/02/2019 21:43

But you said you have no savings or insurance or equity. What if you lost your job?

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 23:02

Rhymes I said he didn't... I do .

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WH1SPERS · 09/02/2019 10:09

You are being silly . If you are married them the income, savings, pensions and assets of BOTH OF YOU are relevant.

Pretending that neither of you have a penny and this is all about lurve when that’s not true is childish. As many posters have told you, it’s a legal contract. Don’t go into it without considering the terms and conditions and understanding what it means to be bound by them.

It isn’t a “ piece of paper “ and it’s not about showing off your lurve or being happier. Honestly , you sound about 17!

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 09/02/2019 11:13

I still think it's a piece of paper. In that way the UK should allow to separate assets with the marriage "contract" like many other countries. Ultimately it should still be out of love.

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Fairenuff · 09/02/2019 12:38

You don't need to be married to be in love. If that was all it was then no-one would get married, it would be obsolete, you would just be two people that love each other living together.

After all, if you stop loving that person you can stop living with them. As your partner and his wife have done. The only reason they need a divorce is because of that 'piece of paper'. Otherwise they could just walk away from each other and be done with it.

The piece of paper is the legal bit. The living together is the love bit.

I think you want to marry because you want your relationship with him to have the same 'status' (in your eyes) as the one he had with his wife. You want the world to see that you are not 'just' his girlfriend, you are his wife and therefore just as important as his other wife. I don't really think it has anything to do with love for you.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 10/02/2019 08:45

I think you've nailed it. It was about status. But now that we live together and live s "married" life, that my family and his family have welcomed us both and treated us like the long term couple that we are I don't find it necessary to get married.

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Uptheapplesandpears · 10/02/2019 09:35

I still think it's a piece of paper. In that way the UK should allow to separate assets with the marriage "contract" like many other countries. Ultimately it should still be out of love.

The UK does allow separate assets without a marriage contract. Indeed, if you want to keep assets separate you're probably better off not getting married. And for those who would only want some kind of ceremony to mark their love without any legal validity, the law in this country allows for that too. People can and do have purely religious or cultural ceremonies.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 10/02/2019 10:43

We thought of having just a ceremony, but then realised it was not really what we both wanted. I once thought I wanted a massive wedding but now I would have a very small one possibly in my parents' garden. We talked about it again briefly. He said I was way more than his girlfriend and that he did see me as his wife in the not so distant future.

Ive only talked about the assets and protection and all of that because all posters have pointed it out. Maybe my case is not that common, but I don't think marriage would give me any of that at least not as things are at the moment.

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IAmNotAWitch · 10/02/2019 11:10

I wouldn't get married in your situation, but then I wouldn't be having a baby with someone who was still married to someone else, who has no savings and two children already to support.

Money isn't everything. But a roof over your kid's heads, food in their stomachs and shoes on their feet is.

Can he afford a third child?

Mmmmbrekkie · 10/02/2019 11:13

OP
It all smacks of him not keen and you trying to convince yourself and us that you are both desperately in love and went to marry but actually don’t think it’s impoetant.
I would place bets on you never marrying this man

Uptheapplesandpears · 10/02/2019 11:13

It makes you part of a minority of women OP but you're not particularly uncommon. Some women are wealthier than their partners.

Anyway I'm certainly not saying you should engage in any kind of marriage ceremony, whether legal, sacramental or anything else. Just pointing out that they exist for those only wanting it to be about love, and that our laws on cohabitation do a decent job of allowing separate assets if that's your preference.

Fairenuff · 10/02/2019 11:34

The original purpose of marriage was trade.

There were certain advantages to both parties. But unless you need those advantages, there is no need to marry these days.

I would put it on the back burner for now and only marry if your circumstances made it favourable. As it stands he has everything to gain and nothing to lose and you have nothing to gain and everything to lose.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 10/02/2019 11:34

He definitely wants to. He said it last night and without me asking. Together we can afford a baby, I can afford one on my own too. We've said it many time that if had been free to marry we would be married already. But now that we live a "married" life I don't mind about our status.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 10/02/2019 11:36

Did you tell him as part of the discussion last night that you no longer want to marry him? Or are you going to let him propose and say no?

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 10/02/2019 11:38

Fairenuff yes pragmatically you're correct. I have a very good friend who's been with her partner for almost 10years, they have a baby are technically engaged and calls him husband. When I asked if they had a small wedding, she just said that for all terms and purposes he was her husband and that's why he called him that, I tend to agree with her.

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Mmmmbrekkie · 10/02/2019 11:43

There seems to be an awful lots of discussion and tjoufhtsround marriage for a couple that supposedly isn’t bothered about it

Jaxhog · 10/02/2019 11:45

Lots of people aren't bothered about getting married. It's just a legal document. If you are financially independent and keep it that way then there is no need to get married.

Unless you have children or he's still married to someone else.

SoyDora · 10/02/2019 11:47

Have you told him OP?

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 10/02/2019 11:50

@soydora, if he does of course I would, I want to spend the rest of my life with him after all, but if it never happens, well I'm happy too.

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Fairenuff · 10/02/2019 11:58

Jaxhog what difference does it make if they have children?

OP I don't think it's a good idea to be so passive. If he asks you'll say yes? Marriage should be a discussion and a mutual agreement, not something you sleepwalk into.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 10/02/2019 11:58

By the time any baby is born, he'll definitely be divorced. As I understand, the divorce will be final in no more than three months. I know another couple who started living together before his divorce was finalised. They're middle age so no more kids to have, but when we I knew their circumstances it made me more content with where I was.

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Original poster
rosetonightplease · 10/02/2019 12:08

Faire I think when the "proposal" happened I was so excited about getting married and even tried to plan it, time passed and we talked about the sentiment remained (wanting to get married) but being excited about something that until then had no possible date in the future made it feel like a moot point. A few months have passed since then. We used to talk about it a lot more, but we stopped. I did ask plainly if he thought it would still happen, his first answer was well of course, but first I need to be divorced. Since then it's been just the random comment here and there, always assuming that day will indeed happen. So from.being ecstatic about it I've become ambivalent. I don't need a wedding to be happy, I don't need that piece of paper either. I think he's aware I'm more ambivalent too. His DD asked about it once (vaguely) and I just said some people get married other don't and that it made no difference.

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