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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get excited about getting married anymore?

182 replies

rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 11:15

DP and I have always said that when his divorce is finalised we'll get married. He has proposed without a ring but has said he knows exactly what ring he'll get me. We've talked about it and I've always said I want to be surprised whenever he actually has the ring. I know he feels it's wrong to be officially engaged when the divorce is still processing. I actually don't mind any of it anymore. I'm happy the way we are. We have a home, a dog, a cat, and TTC. We have a life together and I don't see getting married as something we have to do to be happy. I love him and he loves me like we've never loved before, I just don't feel like I need a public affirmation of it. AIBU for feeling this way? I know he still want to and I do too, I just don't feel like we have to to be happy.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 08/02/2019 13:06

Probably best to tell him you’ve gone off the idea before he buys a ring and proposes.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 13:13

Thanks blue that resonates with me.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 08/02/2019 13:15

And here we are 19 years later and I can honestly say happier than we were on our wedding day. The law of unintended consequences!

blueskiesovertheforest · 08/02/2019 13:16

Smallhorse and Bunny might well be right - don't marry, don't combine finances, be very clear and careful with a tenants in common contract which clearly lays out potentially unequal shares in the house to match what you invest if you ever buy a house together, don't give up full time work, be happy growing old together and raising a child whilst retaining chrystal clear financial independence and never relying on him... Is that possible?

However Birdsgottafly 's post is worth rereading several times. If he got terminal cancer in 15 years time, would you be ok with his by then adult DC from his marriage making all his decisions if he became medically incapable, claiming his body and organising the funeral - potentially banning you from any role in it if there's been a fall out by then?

You need to put power of attorney and watertight wills and perhaps other solid legal contracts in place if you don't marry but intend to be together til death do you part... Obviously more so if you buy a property or have a child, but anyway because of potential unforseen circumstances where next of kin is relevant.

Being in relationship with someone in your DP's position means pragmatism has to dominate over romance IMO

BIgBagofJelly · 08/02/2019 13:20

I wasn't excited about getting married either - it didn't change our commitment to each other or make any practical difference to our lives. I did it for the leal advantages and safety nets.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 08/02/2019 13:28

So you're so desperate to procreate you've hitched your star to a married man with more baggage than Heathrow. Why not just use a sperm donor? So many times, women get involved with men like this and then find out why he's divorced (or the unmarried relationship broke down) once she has kids with him (even though she thought he was a 'great dad'). No idea why some people have their bar set so low.

I think not being excited about getting married to a married man with kids is the least of your problems.

userxx · 08/02/2019 13:29

My cousin is about to get married to a guy with no assets, she owns a mortgage free property and is petrified that he will be able to take her for half of it when she ends up divorcing. Its absolute madness.

CantStopMeNow · 08/02/2019 13:30

We're both very clear we want to grow old with each other
That's what he thought about his first wife who he's now divorcing.

Well money isn't everything
No it isn't....but it does take on a whole new meaning when your income is reduced due to mat leave/SAHM and the knock that it takes on your career and earning potential long term - esp if you're left with no choice but to go part time.

He helps around the house
He doesn't help you....all he's doing is picking up after himself and doing the same chores that have to be done whether you live alone or with someone.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 08/02/2019 13:54

@thehodge you've nailed it! It was some vague date somewhere in the future and now it's around the corner.

I get that, I do. But just because his divorce is nearly finalized doesn't mean you guys need to get married the day after. However, having said that, if the man I was building my life with was finally nearly divorced, I would be over the moon.

It's utterly fine to change your mind about whether you want the legal step of marriage (although as others have said, especially with kids in the mix it's vital to protect yourself legally and financially) and it can be as simple as popping down to the registrar's office with two random witnesses, no big deal. However, speaking as someone who made a spectacular mistake with her marriage, I beg you to listen carefully to what your gut is telling you. Is it marriage that's no longer important to you, or is it marriage with him.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 13:55

I think the way we perceive marriage is outdated now.

We should have to go together to a solicitor's office and sign a document to declare a formal intent to marry, with legal proviso that it is in no way binding to marriage.

This would be the 'engagement' part.

We should then have a 14 days cooling off period before we can actually marry.

If we do not marry within 6 months of signing the formal intent to marry, it expires and becomes invalid.

(This would put a stop to people who don't want to marry getting engaged and stringing their partner along for years).

So if you actually want to marry and are not dicking around, you go and sign your intent and after 14 days you are free to marry within the next 6 months.

The marriage should take place in the solicitor's office with just the two people marrying and members of staff for witnesses.

(This would get rid of all the bride/groomzilla nonsense and also prevent people from using lack of funds as an excuse to delay marriage and string their partner along).

Once you are married you are free to go on and have a wedding if you want to. That would be the big day/dress/party/speeches type celebration if people still want to do it. I suspect most wouldn't.

There you go, modern marriage made simple without all the 'romance' which isn't really what it's about.

Mmmmbrekkie · 08/02/2019 13:57

^^bloody awful idea

Loopytiles · 08/02/2019 14:04

Talk of rings, proposals, engagement etc is meaningless unless you both wish to marry, with a date in mind and are legally free to do so.

You mention ttc. If you are the higher earner and plan to continue to work full time after DC,

Women dating fathers almost always say their boyfriends are “good fathers”. I judge this by actions, for example, how many nights per fortnight a father has sole charge of their DC, how much he has changed his work arrangements in order to be a single parent, how much maintenance he pays (above CSA minimum). If his financial position is difficult, ttc DC3 with a new partner is a negative indicator IMO. Suggests he’s prioritising his new relationship over his DC.

Loopytiles · 08/02/2019 14:05

If you plan to go PT or SAH after DC being the higher earner now might not protect you.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 14:13

^^bloody awful idea Grin

If you are religious, yes. If you really think that you are making a contract with a deity. But in that case, the signing of the paperwork could take place in the place of worship.

I mean it does anyway. That bit where they sign the register in church and have their photo doing it so that they can put it on facebook.

Just remove the rest of the pomp and circumstance until after the legal document is signed. That way you know that people are marrying for the right reasons, not because they got swept away by the expense and arrangements of a wedding party.

Bluelady · 08/02/2019 14:15

I'm not remotely religious and I think it's a dreadful idea too.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 14:19

Why?

A marriage and a wedding are two different things. A marriage lasts a lifetime, a wedding last a few hours.

A marriage is a solemn, legally binding contract, a wedding is a party.

Why is it a bad idea to take it seriously and be sure it's what you want to commit to. Why is it a bad idea to make it easier, more accessible and cheaper for everyone?

Mmmmbrekkie · 08/02/2019 14:20

It’s the ridiculous 6 month limit

OMGithurts · 08/02/2019 14:23

Fairenuff you've literally described the process of giving notice to marry, except you have a year not 6 months to get married before the notice expires.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 14:25

It's 6 months from the date of formal intent.

So say you date someone for a couple of years. Then maybe you live together for another couple of years. Maybe even have children, buy a house together, all the usual stuff.

At the point that you talk about marriage and decide that it's something that you are both ready for, you plan when you want to do it. Might be next week, might be in five years time.

Whenever you are both ready you go and sign the intent and after two weeks you can get married. If you don't marry within 6 months that will be either because one of you changed your mind or it is prevented by illness or something.

Never mind, that's fine. It can expire and you can go and sign a new intent to marry whenever you want.

How is that ridiculous?

RhymesWithOrange · 08/02/2019 14:26

I'm very financially risk averse. Zero savings, equity, insurances? I would not be TTC. You are three months away from homelessness if you lose your job.

Mmmmbrekkie · 08/02/2019 14:26

Shit idea!

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 14:27

OMG yes I know. But you wouldn't need a year because you wouldn't be marrying as part of a ceremony. You just do it in the solicitors office or the place of worship room.

I think it's important that people separate marriage and wedding so that they don't get confused like OP who thought she should be 'happier' after she is married.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2019 14:28

Why is it a shit idea though? As OMG said, you do it anyway. Why do you want to mix the 'party' in with the 'legal'?

Loopytiles · 08/02/2019 14:37

Marriage isn’t “lifelong” if you get divorced.

Your idea would be much costlier (eg legal fees) than the current arrangements for non religious marriages, for no additional benefits.

The risks of “long engagement” or being engaged when one person won’t set a date is for the two individuals to worry about.

Original poster
rosetonightplease · 08/02/2019 14:44

I think the cancer scenario is a good point, although I thought a powerful attorney would be enough for that although I could be wrong.

OP posts: