To tell his wife he is having an affair.

[Absofuckinglutely]

I'm probably being an interfering old busybody who should mind her own business. However, I have recently found out that a married colleague of my DP (whom I have met socially, and thought he was a sleazebag) has been having a full on affair (for well over a year) with a married woman who works for a different company in the same industry. I've known about these rumours for ages, but a few days ago my DP saw them out together, all over each other like a bad rash, kissing etc in public for all to see. It's made me really annoyed on his wife's behalf.

He is married with 4 children under 10. I don't know his wife very well, but on having a snoop, I see that her fb is full of family photos, recent ones. She clearly doesn't have a clue and thinks they are a happy family.

I don't know the woman he is seeing, well I know her name and who she works for, but not personally.

The logical part of me tells me that this is none of my business, but another part of me wants to send his wife an anonymous message to tell her what's going on. I know that's probably being massively unreasonable, but he is such a slime and I would hope someone would tell me in such a situation so I wasn't living a total lie.
I'm pretty sure I won't do anything with his information, but want to know the general consensus on this sort of thing?

I wouldn't want to know

And I wouldn't wish to know via an anonymous letter. And this woman could be just like you or I. But according to these posters, that's not relevant. They don't care if she doesn't wish to know. All that matters to them is they want her to know. So feel the decision is theirs to take.

But their moral outrage, what's apparently driving them to encourage this, just doesn't include having enough moral fibre to own it and out your name to it. No one it seems is outraged enoug for that.

It's just the same old nonsense from the monogamy fetishists, who seem incapable of understanding that not everyone cares about sexual exclusivity. There are people who don't want to know that a partner is having sex with others, because they don't want the disruption of having to deal with the matter (they may not mind at all what the partner does sexually, as long as the partner keeps paying the bills and treats the kids with kindness but once it's 'out in the open' they will come under pressure from alllll the monogamy fetishists to Do Something.)
There are people who have unilaterally decided that the marriage will no longer feature sexual activity, who ignore the partner's feelings on the matter but also put pressure on the partner to remain in the marriage rather than leave.
There are people who are abusive and controlling (in some cases, though statistically it is more likely to be cheated-on men who turn to violence) to the extent that sneaking to them about rumours that their partner is seeing someone else could put the partner at risk of physical harm.

Your (general pro-blabbing posters) fixation on monogamy is your problem. Not everyone shares your views, and when you do not know how someone else views the matter, you back the fuck off and learn to mind your own business.

But according to these posters, that's not relevant. They don't care if she doesn't wish to know. All that matters to them is they want her to know. So feel the decision is theirs to take.

And it seems to be irrelevant to you that most people on this thread have said they would want to know. You seem to think because you wouldn't want to be told anonymously, no one else should be. Has it occurred to you that there might not be a right or wrong answer here? That some of us would appreciate being told (anonymously or not) and some of us wouldn't, hence why OP posted?

You do realise that by not telling, you are making just as much of a decision? It might seem passive but choosing not to act can have a big impact too. People waste years of their lives in relationships because they don't realise they're being deceived. Just as likely as your mental health scenario where the woman can't be told the truth, is a scenario where a mother of 4 children wonders why the hell her husband isn't around and why he's always on his phone, but is fobbed off by him everything she tries to ask him what's wrong.

Usermuser Quite. And because one can't be certain that somebody wants to be told, they shouldn't be. It's likely that within a friendship group, this scenario would have been discussed amongst them so everybody would know what everybody else wanted in that respect.

I'm quite certain that an actual friend wouldn't countenance an anonymous note though, because they're friends and would support them through the turmoil.

Not this, not what the OP has posted. OP's not a friend, doesn't know the facts and doesn't know the wife's wishes - because she's not a friend - so why the hell would anybody impose their desire to tell something that isn't theirs to tell, under those circumstances?

There's a reason why you're (general) a random not a friend. Respect that boundary then.

I would want to know if it was done in a kind way. She may already be suspicious and this may give her the jolt she needs to dig further and discretely. I wish someone had told me before I got a STD and the situation caused me severe mental health problems. Had I been told I could have got out sooner and got some back up plans like putting some money aside.
Yes it could be interfering but some posters on here are implying that it not appropriate to say anything at all as 4 kids etc. Well it will be a lot harder if she has a 5th. Or the OW gets pregnant. Information can be vital to her if he is hiding OW, what else is he hiding? Also yes it could be a one off affair but in my experience blatant cheaters do not change. This woman has a better chance of rebuilding her life and self esteem sooner rather than later. Anon to the cheater will make him more careful (my ex had a spare phone) it is really difficult and I get although you not closely involved with this woman you are possibly putting yourself in her position and sympathising with any betrayed women? If you are going to inform her be gentle and sign post her to sites/places for support.

And it seems to be irrelevant to you that most people on this thread have said they would want to know

Of course it's irrelevant to me. Who in their right mind would think "well most posters on mumsnet thread would want to know, but by no means all, so fuck that I'll tell her, and just hope she's one of the ones that want to know"

You'd have to be off your rocker,

This woman has a better chance of rebuilding her life and self esteem sooner rather than later

Well possibly she thought there was nothing wrong with her self esteem or life until you rocked up and shoved it in her face.

Or maybe there was and she's suffering from depression, anxiety, can't work, and has four kids, and he fucks off and leaves her to it, penniless, on the back of your letter. Aye, but you can pop round and explain to her how she can rebuild her life now thanks to you as she raises her four kids alone on benefits.

Well, I’d want to know if my DH was over the side, that said I wouldn’t appreciate an anonymous tip-off.
This guy is clearly a shit but I really don’t think it’s your business

Or maybe there was and she's suffering from depression, anxiety, can't work, and has four kids, and he fucks off and leaves her to it, penniless, on the back of your letter. Aye, but you can pop round and explain to her how she can rebuild her life now thanks to you as she raises her four kids alone on benefits.

Yes, let's just create an imaginary catastrophic scenario for her based on your lack of action. Maybe right now she's in a position to deal with it, but no one tells her so she finds out in another five years when she's got another 2 kids and has developed anxiety from being gaslit by her husband. She jumps off a building, but hey, never mind, you can pop round and tell her kids that you thought it was better for her to keep being lied to.
Only that's even more stupid than your little fantasy.

I would want to know.

yes, let's just create an imaginary catastrophic scenario for her based on your lack of action

Would that the same as thr imaginary scenario where she'd want to know? I guess it is and you're missing rhe point.

This is a virtual, stranger, so you need to think of the worst case and play to that when you don't know.

Not the best case, that she reacts in a way you'd like her to react.

Because we all know rhe worst case is a possibility, and that's why it's important to be anonymous isn't it, so nonone knows its you skulking in the shadows.

No, you're missing the point. That withholding information for her is just as much of a course of action as telling her. So if you're going to find the worst case scenario for telling her you should also look for the worst case scenario for not telling her.

There was a brilliant story told at the end of woman's hour today.
It was about a woman who thought her boss was about to be unfaithful to his wife, and she thought by taking a certain action she would stop this happening.
Unfortunately she had misunderstood the situation, and the action she took by interfering caused considerable harm.
By listening to this story you may learn a valuable lesson.

Keep out.

I would not want to be told by someone who doesn't love me or even care about me. If I am going to be told I would want to be told by someone who could sit down with me after they have broken the news, so I can have someone to talk to if needed, instead of having to read it in a bloody note. I wouldn't particularly thank someone I don't know telling me because they aren't doing it because they care about me.

You don't care about this woman OP, you barely know her.

What an absolute head fuck to get an anonymous letter telling you your husband is cheating. Going that route is low.

I completely agree with Bluntness. You have no idea if she would want to know, how she would prefer to find out, what the consequences would be of her finding out etc. You are not her friend or family, not your concern or business.

For me though the reasons given to not tell her don't stack up.

Maybe she's in an open relationship - well in that case no harm done. Maybe she knows but wants to ignore it - well in that case she can ignore the information.
Maybe she's vulnerable in some other way - well in that case she doesn't become less vulnerable by having this hidden from her.

Her finding out from a private message won't bring it all out in the open. It will be her choice as to whether she does that. In this, and many other areas of life, I advocate women having choices. She might get the information and ignore it. Her choice. But without the information she has no choice. If she already knows, well then it doesn't matter.

When me and my ex were splitting up he alluded to having been involved with a work colleague, but then later said that he said it to hurt me. I will never know what the truth is. I had socialised with him and his colleagues in the past. Including attending this woman's birthday party. But I suspect that if something had gone on his colleagues probably took the view of a lot on here, "none of my business". I really wish I knew for sure. If it was true and someone had told me it would have saved me an enormous amount of time, stress and heartache. And I still feel a bit humiliated to think that something could have gone on which they were all gossiping about behind my back.

No matter what people on here say. People who have been betrayed know that it hurts even more when you think that everyone knew about it and didn't tell you.

Thing is, it’s not even the OP’s information to give is it? I mean she doesn’t know the man in question, doesn’t know the woman he’s supposedly cheating with, doesn’t know the wife, didn’t actually see it happen so doesn’t know what to tel her even. And still no-one seems to have acknowledged that maybe the woman in question has a husband who might deserve to know as well? If she’s meant to tell the wife she doesn’t know, shouldn’t she be tracking down the husband she doesn’t know either so she can give him the information she hasn’t witnessed?

So you send someone an anonymous letter:

“Dear wife. I realise that I don’t even know your name here, but I’ve been told you exist, and as such I thought that you ought to know that someone I know saw your husband with a woman I don’t know in town and we assumed they’re having an affair even though we don’t know the details and don’t even know that they’re having an affair, but I thought that I would let you know just in case you didn’t already and so that you can drive yourself mad wondering who I am, who she is and whether it’s all even true. But good luck rebuilding the life about which I know nothing. Yours, anonymous stranger who will remain nameless for my own protection.”

'She raises her four kids on benefits'...

Why assume she does this!? There are several possible different endings. Are we supposed to be kept by a man even an excuse for a man? Information is power and gives choices ok. We can all play fiction writer in this. Maybe he actually leaves her for the OW anyway. At least with information she can explore and prepare. So she might stay for another 5 years until she saved and hidden money or she might decide to retrain etc etc.
But for me getting out sooner would have been preferable before it cost me physical and mental health and he had a chance to gaslight.
But we all got different opinions....its all fine

If this was me I would want to know, yes it would destroy me but ignorance in this case is definitely not bliss.

But the point that the holier-than thou posters who want to tell her are missing is that the recommendation is for the OP to tell her anonymously.

It’s one thing to tell a friend who you know because you can be there to support her during the potential fallout, however telling someone anonymously is like throwing a bomb into a room and running away before you’re caught, without any idea how it will turn out or what will happen to the people inside. It’s cowardly and has nothing what so ever to do with a belief that someone has the right to know.

Ultimately if these people are having an affair and they’re being seen together in public then there is always a risk that either one of them wil be seen by someone they know (although for some reason it appears only the wife here deserves to know, why is that?) but in this case the OP doesn’t know either of them and didn’t even witness the behaviour so she doesn’t even know whether or not they’re having an affair, and given she doesn’t know them she can’t ask and as such she can’t pass any information on because she doesn’t know anything to pass on.

Also, do bear in mind that if as a friend you are telling someone that their partner is cheating, then offering them support has to be entirely impartial. I very much get the impression that people would tell because they would leave in the same circumstances and believe that the betrayed partner would leave also. There’s every chance they wouldn’t and would stay in the marriage perhaps for life. So if you’re going to be the one to drop that bombshell then you need to do so with the ability and capacity to support that person regardless of the decision they would take, not just in the event they would do what you think they should.

I wouldn't say anything.
Then again what other people do or don't do in their relationships is absolutely nothing to do with me.

I’m all for telling in normal circumstances, but in this case the Op doesn’t know the wife really.

Not sure why the worry about “ splitting a family up” is an issue. Honesty doesn’t split families up. Husbands choice to cheat does that. Or not. Wife might not care that much. Wife might stay. Wife may have her own other relationship.I do agree you can’t judge relationships from outside.
But if you’re out snogging in public then people are going to see you. How can that be a secret?

I think that the husband should be told as they were seen in public together. He has the chance to end the affair, not that he deserves any sympathy.

He is cheating in a public place .. probably waiting to be caught & exposed. The thrill must be exciting ...

It’s out in the open already .. their choice to be brazen in public..
If he wanted it a secret surely they would meet in private?

No one is saying that someone should or shouldn't leave. Just that there is an argument that they should have the information and they can decide. Which is what pretty much everyone who has been in the situation has said they wish they had had.

What the not holier than thouers seem to be saying is to infantilise the poor woman because she wouldn't be able to cope and could only manage with support. On the other hand she might be able to give him a piece of her mind, stop him spending money on another woman and risk his wife getting std's and still keep in the relationship. It's then her choice. But no, let's be cool people and anything goes and we can't possibly imagine what the poor husband is going through to drive him to having an affair.

It all boils down to - it has nothing to do with you.