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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his wife he is having an affair.

203 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 04/02/2019 19:59

I'm probably being an interfering old busybody who should mind her own business. However, I have recently found out that a married colleague of my DP (whom I have met socially, and thought he was a sleazebag) has been having a full on affair (for well over a year) with a married woman who works for a different company in the same industry. I've known about these rumours for ages, but a few days ago my DP saw them out together, all over each other like a bad rash, kissing etc in public for all to see. It's made me really annoyed on his wife's behalf.

He is married with 4 children under 10. I don't know his wife very well, but on having a snoop, I see that her fb is full of family photos, recent ones. She clearly doesn't have a clue and thinks they are a happy family.

I don't know the woman he is seeing, well I know her name and who she works for, but not personally.

The logical part of me tells me that this is none of my business, but another part of me wants to send his wife an anonymous message to tell her what's going on. I know that's probably being massively unreasonable, but he is such a slime and I would hope someone would tell me in such a situation so I wasn't living a total lie.
I'm pretty sure I won't do anything with his information, but want to know the general consensus on this sort of thing?

OP posts:
hazell42 · 04/02/2019 20:04

He doesn't deserve to get away with it. But on the other hand she doesn't deserve to have her life ripped apart. On balance, I would say what she deserves wins
Say nothing. You will.destroy her family. Who knows it may blow over

Jamhandprints · 04/02/2019 20:04

If you can do it anonymously, I think you should. Why should he get away with it?

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 04/02/2019 20:04

Urgh! It puts you in a crap position. Probably I think you should tell her. But don’t expect any thanks!

flumpybear · 04/02/2019 20:04

Most will say keep out it's not your business, personally, I'd want to know if I was the wife but you've got no evidence so she'll not believe you, she'll also be told a string of lies by her husband

MorrisZapp · 04/02/2019 20:05

Don't get involved. It hasn't got anything to do with you.

Craft1905 · 04/02/2019 20:06

She clearly doesn't have a clue and thinks they are a happy family.

You have no idea that's the case. They may have an open marriage for all you know. Keep your beak out of it.

sparklesq · 04/02/2019 20:07

You don't know she's unaware. She could be painfully aware but trying hard to ignore it and carry on as usual, hoping it will blow over. Some women are like that, and your message may just make her feel like now she has to act when she doesn't want to, or that everybody knows and is judging her. I'd leave it if I were in that position

bengalcat · 04/02/2019 20:08

I’d follow the logical part of you and say nothing .

arethereanyleftatall · 04/02/2019 20:08

There is a chance that she wouldn't want to know. If you tell her, you take that choice away.

ShesABelter · 04/02/2019 20:08

My aunt got a letter stating my uncle was having an affair and the woman's name. They are getting divorced and she now sees him for the narcissist he is.

You should send a letter. I hate it when people say it's nothing to do with you don't get involved. If I were in that situation I would absolutely want to know.

greendale17 · 04/02/2019 20:09

If you can do it anonymously, I think you should. Why should he get away with it?

^This. The wife deserves to know the truth

arethereanyleftatall · 04/02/2019 20:09

You could put it in the mans court. Tell him he's been spotted.

Dexra · 04/02/2019 20:10

I'd want to know. She might already suspect. If you told her where your partner saw him and the ow she might be able to check his iPhone location history or something. I doubt he was honest about where he was going.

squeakyreptile · 04/02/2019 20:11

I would want to know. It is so undignified for this poor woman, her husband having an affair in plain sight.

There is a possibility (remote!) that it is an open marriage.

At least you are giving her the choice, either way.

I think you should tell her, anonymously if you can.

moanymoaner · 04/02/2019 20:11

Don't get involved . I was in a situation where a friend was sleeping with another friends husband , I found out and told said friends I wouldn't be keeping it a secret , told other friend her bf was a cheating scum bag. Guess who came off worse - yep me! I mean it's not a big deal I don't particularly need friends who think sleeping round is ok or blame me for honesty but unless you don't mind that then I'd stay firmly out of it!

littlecabbage · 04/02/2019 20:12

If it were me, I would rather know now than find out further down the line that my marriage was a lie.

MillicentSnitch · 04/02/2019 20:15

Don't interfere. If he's being this indiscreet it won't be long before she finds out - if she doesn't know already.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2019 20:19

In this specific situation, I would stay out of it

Treacletoots · 04/02/2019 20:20

The messenger always gets shot. Take it from someone who's been there! But I would tell Him you know, and if he doesn't stop you'll let his wife know. Don't destroy a family as your first action.

WallisFrizz · 04/02/2019 20:20

I wouldn’t. Absolutely no guarantee she’ll believe you or be thankful for the information. Could cause you a whole world of grief and all for people who you don’t know well.

A close friend would be a different story.

MrsPinkCock · 04/02/2019 20:21

If you haven’t seen it with your own eyes, I wouldn’t.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 04/02/2019 20:25

Oh so virtuous!

It's devious and sly to do things anonymously - if you have the balls, tell her to her face, but you won't. Because you don't actually know if any of this is true or just gossip.

What you actually like is the power you hold over other people lives, it give you a thrill knowing you can destroy families.

What bit do you think you'll enjoy most?

ISmellBabies · 04/02/2019 20:29

I'd want to know. She deserves the chance to make an informed decision as to whether to waste any more of her years on this man, and she should know to get an std check. She may well feel differently about contraception if she knew. She should know.

cfmagnet · 04/02/2019 20:31

From personal experience, I wish to fuck one of the not-inconsiderable number of people that knew had told me. Finding out my ex was a cheat was pretty shit but finding out that LOTS of people knew waaay before I did was a massive kick in the face. I realise none of them owed it to me to tell me but I was so hurt and humiliated that I had been duped and felt that his lies had been supported by other people who could have easily appraised me of the situation.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 04/02/2019 20:32

Don’t tell her. She probably knows but does not want to rock the boat with 4 children under 10. You’ll just rub her nose in it.