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Original poster

To tell his wife he is having an affair.

203 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 04/02/2019 19:59

I'm probably being an interfering old busybody who should mind her own business. However, I have recently found out that a married colleague of my DP (whom I have met socially, and thought he was a sleazebag) has been having a full on affair (for well over a year) with a married woman who works for a different company in the same industry. I've known about these rumours for ages, but a few days ago my DP saw them out together, all over each other like a bad rash, kissing etc in public for all to see. It's made me really annoyed on his wife's behalf.

He is married with 4 children under 10. I don't know his wife very well, but on having a snoop, I see that her fb is full of family photos, recent ones. She clearly doesn't have a clue and thinks they are a happy family.

I don't know the woman he is seeing, well I know her name and who she works for, but not personally.

The logical part of me tells me that this is none of my business, but another part of me wants to send his wife an anonymous message to tell her what's going on. I know that's probably being massively unreasonable, but he is such a slime and I would hope someone would tell me in such a situation so I wasn't living a total lie.
I'm pretty sure I won't do anything with his information, but want to know the general consensus on this sort of thing?

OP posts:
Santaclarita · 05/02/2019 13:05

Bluntness100

Well just hope that no one treats you the same way should this situation fall on you. Otherwise you'll be left feeling as shit as other women do on here, not only betrayed by your partner, but betrayed by everyone who knew.

PregnantSea · 05/02/2019 13:13

You have no idea whether or not she already knows. I would stay away from the whole thing tbh

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 13:19

I would wish to knownface to face from a friend or loved one. I would not wish an anonymous letter from some random. I'd be more ok with the letter if they put their name to it and told me why they were telling me, but no, not from some random writing anonymous letters.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 13:24

but betrayed by everyone who knew

But people who know and love her might not know, or she might have been told before and not believed it. Or she may know and decide not to act on it,or even he has told her and they are together on,y for the kids.

The point is the op doesn't know her. She has no clue who knows what.

Taking this to the level that all her friends and family know, and are betraying her, and it's up to the op to ride the the rescue with her anonymous little letter, is bonkers.

Auntiepatricia · 05/02/2019 13:26

I wish everyone would stop covering for these people.

You should tell both the wife and the woman’s husband. It’s public knowledge so they should definitely know.

How you do that I’ve no clue.

StarUtopia · 05/02/2019 13:30

Christ. Keep out of it. Nothing to do with you.

Completely different if she were a good friend of yours, but all you will do is rip her life apart. She will find out I'm sure but don't be the one just because you feel guilty about knowing it.

Reallyevilmuffin · 05/02/2019 13:30

Perhaps get your DP all casual like to go 'oh I didn't know you and the missus broke up, how long have you been seeing girl X?'

Perhaps? Although if you want to tell his wife he will likely know where it came from then

Karigan195 · 05/02/2019 13:32

I wish someone had told me.

Thesinisterdiagram · 05/02/2019 13:42

Yet another one that wishes someone had told me.

I always think the people who seem very keen that it all be kept quiet and the person being cheated not be told, probably quite fancy an affair themselves. Or that’s the impression I get anyway...

ReanimatedSGB · 05/02/2019 13:51

It makes a big, big difference that the 'poor, betrayed' wife is someone the OP hardly knows. If you find out, or are given reason to suspect, that a friend's partner is seeing someone else, then you can make a decision based on what you know about your friend as to how well the news would be recieved, what sort of relationship the couple have, etc.
Because OP has no idea if:
The couple are staying together for appearances
The wife is also having an affair
What OP's H saw was a friendly hug/kiss and the 'OW' is the man's sister or cousin or something
The couple have already agreed to separate but saw no need to announce it to nosy fuckers that they work with

Etc. This is why the OP should keep her beak out. It is the absolute definition of 'not her business'.

Spidersbaby · 05/02/2019 13:53

It all depends whether you think doing nothing is a benign act. Going by the posters on here who have actually been in that situation, it isn't.

And again, it's not the messenger that's wrecking anyone's life it's the person having the affair.

It is also giving the person a choice and not infantalising them by saying you wouldn't be able to cope with the information. They don't have to do anything with it. From the arguments on here people seem to be able to carry in happy knowledge (!). If you'd rather not know, then fine. But you clearly don't speak for everyone because there are a lot of people, including those who've actually been in the situation, who disagree with you.

Implying yours is the only righteous way, is being more god than the OP who is in two minds.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 14:13

And again, it's not the messenger that's wrecking anyone's life it's the person having the affair

Not necessarily, I know someone who had a short affair, she told me at the time, I didn't tell her husband, or anyone, and good job I didn't as the affair ended, and their marriage is fine decades on. I'd have split a family. With kids involved, and they wouldn't be happy today. Me telling them would have served no good purpose other to make me feel like I was some form of god who got to make moral decisions on other people's behaviour and marriages.

I simply couldn't live with myself if I rolled in and wrecked someone's marriage. And it would have been me that did it, not her.

And I notice those baying for the op to get stuck in there aren't so keen on the if you believe your actions to be right, don't do it anonymously. Oh no they too would skulk in the shadows.

Deadbudgie · 05/02/2019 14:23

I’m sorry but this is non of your business. You are basically a stranger to this couple and wanting to report second hand information.

You actually know nothing about this couple. They could have an open relationship, she might purposely be turning a blind eye, she could have gone off sex and agreed to him getting his kicks elsewhere. She could be sleeping with 6guys/gals behind husbands back.

Keep out of this it really is non of your business.

Juells · 05/02/2019 14:26

It is also giving the person a choice and not infantalising them by saying you wouldn't be able to cope with the information.

It was the removal of my choice in the situation that really pissed me off. Removal of choice also removes control of your own life.

Santaclarita · 05/02/2019 14:33

That woman you covered for bluntness is living a lie. Her husband doesn't know the truth. He deserves the truth to make a decision on if he wants to stay with her or not. The woman is the worst one lying to him for so long. Bet she wouldn't be happy if he had been shagging someone else.

littlemissquiet · 05/02/2019 14:34

She may already suspect and this would be the confirmation she needs, cheats are narcissistic and have you doubt your own sanity in these situations. It's easy to appear perfectly happy on social media but normally the ones who post about their perfect lives are the ones in turmoil. If you decide to tell her be gentle and word it like you are the only one who knows and not make her feel the subject of gossip, personally if I didn't know someone that well I'm not sure I would say anything but if I knew of them and they were a nice human being I may be tempted?

Hillarious · 05/02/2019 14:36

If you want to send an anonymous note, send it to the husband and explain his affair isn't secret, that his actions are disrespectful and hurtful to his wife and children and that he's making a fool of himself.

He either is or he isn't, the situation may change or it may not, but you'll at least have got it off your chest.

Juells · 05/02/2019 14:38

If you want to send an anonymous note, send it to the husband and explain his affair isn't secret, that his actions are disrespectful and hurtful to his wife and children and that he's making a fool of himself.

Then he'll be more sneaky. Hmm

Adultsahouldeatrusks · 05/02/2019 14:41

You have no idea what goes on in someone else's marriage. Keep your nose out.

Everyone saying "I'd want to know if I was the wife" maybe you would but would you want a stranger telling you?

You don't really know this man and really have 3rd hand knowledge of his marriage and indiscretions - no one ever thanks an interfering messenger

Hillarious · 05/02/2019 14:42

Then he'll be more sneaky. But he'll never be able to relax. He doesn't know who's watching him.

purplelass · 05/02/2019 14:44

I know of 2 'friends' who not only knew ExH was having an affair, but offered to cover for him if he wanted to see the OW!

That hurt me badly. They are no longer my friends.

If any friends knew I'd have expected them to tell me. Not wives of colleagues though. Sometimes you just have to say 'not my circus, not my monkeys' and take a step back.

Juells · 05/02/2019 14:48

I found out later that my ex's cousin, who I didn't even know well - (had met him briefly years before) had a falling-out with my ex for turning up to stay with OW in tow. That's how people should behave, not act as if it doesn't matter.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 14:54

That woman you covered for bluntness is living a lie. Her husband doesn't know the truth. He deserves the truth to make a decision on if he wants to stay with her or not. The woman is the worst one lying to him for so long. Bet she wouldn't be happy if he had been shagging someone else.

Actually at that patch in their relationship i doubt she'd have cared.

But your post is a perfect example of the judgemental attitude I abhor. Making a judgement on someone else's life. Someone you don't know.
Based on circumstances you know nothing about. But on your own moral compass.

And it's also the perfect example of why the op shouldn't tell. Because like you, she doesn't know rhe circumstances. She doesn't know for example if there is mental health issues at hand, abuse in the home, an affair on both sides, or even an open relationship.

All she knows is she's the same as you. She will look at people she barely knows, cats her judgment and considering rolling in there and making everything worse. As long as it's anonymous though, eh, and no one knows it was her, she never has to publicly own it.

islathepaella · 05/02/2019 15:13

The same posters just keep repeating the same things, if you rtft the OP actually stated a while ago she had a change of heart and wasn’t going to get involved “play god.”

Bluntness I’m pretty sure we all now understand you don’t like people “playing god” in other peoples lives especially when they are not friends and don’t know each other very well or even worse telling them anonymously. We get it.

I don’t agree with your opinion but I’m not going to shove my opinion down anyone’s throats like you have. mainly because it’s been covered several times

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/02/2019 15:15

I'm still with PlainSpeaking and adding Bluntness and SummerGems to the posters who really do have backbone and integrity.

When you (general) decide to take it on yourself to tell a woman or a man that their spouse is cheating, you actively insert yourself into their marriage, their relationship. To take such an enormous liberty assumes that you know and love them, have their best interests at heart and actually know that they would want to know. Because you're blowing up the life they had. You. As well as the cheating spouse. You are taking an active role in deciding that they must be told.

To do this without foundation of knowledge and caring of the person betrayed is cruel; to do this anonymously makes you the lowest of the low.

I wouldn't want to know, I would want my husband to tell me. It wouldn't be anybody else's business to tell me. How can I ward off posters like so many on this thread? Should those who would like to be told by random busybodies wear 'Do Tell' badges or something? Perhaps add it to their ICE (in case of emergency) on their phones? Get a gossip-alert bracelet?

Anything to make it a bit easier for the braying tricoteuse on here. You have no business speaking for other people and since it is you that wants to take affirmative action, you would, at the very least, be decent by not being an insufferable gossip who thinks that anonymity is in any way acceptable. It isn't. Anonymous letters are universally chucked away and the writers of them - justifiably loathed.

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