Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his wife he is having an affair.

203 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 04/02/2019 19:59

I'm probably being an interfering old busybody who should mind her own business. However, I have recently found out that a married colleague of my DP (whom I have met socially, and thought he was a sleazebag) has been having a full on affair (for well over a year) with a married woman who works for a different company in the same industry. I've known about these rumours for ages, but a few days ago my DP saw them out together, all over each other like a bad rash, kissing etc in public for all to see. It's made me really annoyed on his wife's behalf.

He is married with 4 children under 10. I don't know his wife very well, but on having a snoop, I see that her fb is full of family photos, recent ones. She clearly doesn't have a clue and thinks they are a happy family.

I don't know the woman he is seeing, well I know her name and who she works for, but not personally.

The logical part of me tells me that this is none of my business, but another part of me wants to send his wife an anonymous message to tell her what's going on. I know that's probably being massively unreasonable, but he is such a slime and I would hope someone would tell me in such a situation so I wasn't living a total lie.
I'm pretty sure I won't do anything with his information, but want to know the general consensus on this sort of thing?

OP posts:
tickingthebox · 05/02/2019 06:48

I have posted this before....

Most women whose husbands have had affairs pretty much say "I wish I'd known"

Very few women have open marriages. but in this case they generally know.

Some women are "living with it" - i.e. they know.

Sometimes there is backlash on the messenger, especially if the couple decide to stay together.

Why would you NOT tell the wife anonymously?

This is nothing to do with having a hold on people, just protecting yourself/your DH from backlash and in the vast majority of circumstances the woman involved either knows already or would like to know.

Birdie6 · 05/02/2019 07:23

I was the last to find out - and in a small town, that meant that loads of people knew for a long time, that my ex had been cheating. I wish someone had had the kindness to tell me.

If this lady already knows, you're not telling her anything new. And if she doesn't know, she'll thank you for it.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 05/02/2019 07:26

If you can do it anonymously, I think you should. Why should he get away with it?
This

betrayedandwobbly · 05/02/2019 07:33

I am really glad someone had the guts and moral compass to tell me.

I try not to think about whether there were others (whether closer friends or more distant acquaintances) who knew or strongly suspected and said nothing. Because if I knew they couid do that to me, I wouid not really want much to do with them any more. I want to be with people who have got my back

HomoHeinekenensis · 05/02/2019 07:42

These threads always seem to get 50/50 or close to. Do what your gut tells you to OP. I would want to know, even anonymously. Even if I thought someone was making mischief it would give me the chance to find out more.
If you do it anonymously, put in as much detail as you can obviously.

workornot · 05/02/2019 07:46

I'd do it anonymously (letter or fake Facebook profile)

Most women I know would want to know.

If she knows about it anyways and the perfect Facebook picture she is trying to paint is just window dressing, then no damage done in any case.

labazsisgoingmad · 05/02/2019 07:56

its tempting to shop him so to speak but these things have a nasty habit of coming back on you sooner or later hell be found out but if i was you id just let it go karma will sort him out

Missingstreetlife · 05/02/2019 08:01

Presume ow knows he has little kids at home. Also disgraceful.
I would want to call him out but it may backfire on your oh

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/02/2019 08:01

I can't believe the number of cowards out there? Or maybe I can, people aren't what they were.

Don't moralise though, if you advocate 'anonymous' letters, etc. then you have none yourself. If you feel strongly enough to interfere in somebody's marriage as to tell them of an affair then have the guts to do it kindly and face to face, without drama.

Why wouldn't you do that if you're so keen to tell? Urgh. This site sometimes.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/02/2019 08:25

Actually that is a good point, why is there no questioning of whether to tell the cheating womans husband who presumably would be just as easy to find online? Surely he deserves to know too?

Handprints2018 · 05/02/2019 09:15

If you are going to tell her (and as pp pointed out, the OW husband too) you need to give her more then 'everyone know/common knowledge/at it for years'. She needs evidence, time dates etc. She can't do much with heresy especially anonymous but she can with evidence. Its very easy for a manipulative liar to twist and gaslight without evidence, even if she suspects she does need proof.

laurG · 05/02/2019 09:27

Stay out of it. She might already know or suspect. Some women are happy to turn a blind eye.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 09:35

There is no way I would ever step in and Rip apart someone's marriage, especially with children involved, because I personally felt she should know and would wish to know,

Last time I looked, no one made me god. And from what I know no one made you god either.

As you don't know this woman, and you don't know if she'd want to know or not, then you've no right to make decisions on her behalf and rip apart her marriage because you deem to know best.

If you're going to do it, then you do it an accept the consequences, and you put your name to the letter. If you can't do that. Then you don't tell her. Writing her am anonymous letter without knowing if she'd want to know is selfish, narcissistic, petty, spiteful, intrusive, and nasty.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/02/2019 09:41

Whats all this about the OP ripping the marriage apart? Ruining the marriage? She isnt doing anything, the only person who is doing that is the husband!

She has a right to know.

tickingthebox · 05/02/2019 09:44

"There is no way I would ever step in and Rip apart someone's marriage, especially with children involved, because I personally felt she should know and would wish to know,"

and yet pretty much every woman on this thread whose husband or ex had affairs is saying they wished someone had told them

"Writing her am anonymous letter without knowing if she'd want to know is selfish, narcissistic, petty, spiteful, intrusive, and nasty."

or just simply self preservation. Allowing another woman to know she could be at risk of STD's or whatever...

SummerGems · 05/02/2019 09:50

Sending an anonymous letter is selfish and cowardly. And no, if you feel you have the right to intrude on someone’s life because you think they should know then you have no need for self preservation.

Either you’re confident in your conviction that the person has a right to know their partner is having an affair, in which case you put your name to your accusations, or you’re not, in which case you mind your own bloody business.

So the woman he’s having an affair with needs outing, but the person doing the stirring doesn’t? What’s that about then. Giving out anonymous declarations is nothing more than self righteous stirring into business which doesn’t concern you.

TeddybearBaby · 05/02/2019 10:01

I don’t think you’d be the one responsible for ripping a family apart by telling. You’re not in the relationship, you haven’t broken any vows or promises so how could it possibly be your fault. Don’t get that at all.

I’d be more inclined to stay out of it but I’m not sure I’m right for feeling that way. I just like an easy life, maybe that’s selfish though.

Sounds like you’re not going to say anything now anyway but good luck with this shitty decision........ I don’t get any sense you’re on a power trip, sounds like you think he’s vile and making a fool out of his wife and you have empathy for that 💐

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 10:02

why not? she is under no obligation to disclose her financial situation to her friend

But not all, and plenty of threads have shown women who don't want to know. The odd dichotomy of thesethreads is posters braying to tell her, but yet on the many threads where someone does receive a letter the advice is, don't believe it.

And as for it being self preservation, you'd be a lot more credible if you understood the meaning of "self" in that, never mind the laughable she should do it because she's worried about the woman's sexual health.

But what you could do, is get her to the write the letter, and then befriend this woman, and then come back on here so you can sit and relish reading all about the pain she's went through.

Oh yeah and when the woman posts she's got an anonymous letter, tell her not to believe it.

All good clean fun eh?

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 10:04

Sorry that was to that and yet pretty much every woman on this thread whose husband or ex had affairs is saying they wished someone had told them

Bloody sticky typing.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2019 10:20

So many on here have obviously never found about their cheating partners or have never been cheated on.
For people to know and not tell you is horrendous.
When people know and you are the last to find out... again, horrendous.
But..... OP, until you have absolute proof to back up your claim then you can't tell her.
If you were her friend, again yes, tell her.
But on this occasion you are going to have to let her get on with it and hope that one of her good friends can tell her and be there for her.

beclou94x · 05/02/2019 10:29

If you are going to tell her, do it anon. Otherwise it may come round to bite you. IMO I wouldn't tell her, just because I wouldn't want to get involved in something that could have major complications.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 10:55

If you are going to tell her, do it anon. Otherwise it may come round to bite you

For the poster who was confused, this is what self preservation is.

And most people who wish to write these sort of letters, would only consider doing so anonymously, because they know how shitty it is and wouldn't wish people to know what they had done.

Says it all really. If you genuinely believed it was the right thing to do, you'd put your name to it, and stand up and be counted, hiding behind a veil of anonymity shows exactly that you know how people will react to your meddling and you'd not wish them to know what you'd done.

SummerGems · 05/02/2019 11:02

So can someone explain the idea that you do it anonymously because otherwise it could come back to bite you? Because I don’t get that bit at all and it seems the height of arrogance and hypocrisy to me.

So you find out someone you know is having an affair. So consumed with moral outrage are you that you feel that their partner deserves to know. In fact you feel that it’s your moral duty to tell them, but because you don’t want to be seen to have been the one to tell them you do it anonymously. So you’re not so convicted that they ought to know that you’re prepared to own that decision, just as long as they know and you’re not seen to be the one who told them.

And what then? The person receives this anonymous letter/email/message telling them their husband is having an affair. They then start wondering who it is. The OW perhaps if there is one? One of their friends? And at that point they wonder which one. Every time they meet a friend they wonder if they’re the one who told. Better yet, maybe all their friends are gossiping behind their back and one took it upon themselves to break the anonymous news on behalf of all the others. So not only will the wife be left looking for evidence their husband is having an affair, but will also be potentially left paranoid wondering which of her friends knows and whether she’s the talk of the friendship group.....

It’s one thing to tell someone as their friend because you care about them. Dropping an anonymous bombshell is all about destroying their life and not being the one to be seen to be doing it. It has nothing to do with caring about them and everything to do with caring about yourself if you’re not prepared to own your declaration. It’s cowardly and pathetic

Confusedbeetle · 05/02/2019 11:05

Dont do this
@plain speaking, what a piece of work you are

Op you don't know this woman well. I can understand people being devastated their friends knew and didn't tell them.
If anyone should be told it is the man. It will come out

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 11:11

Well said summer gems.

Swipe left for the next trending thread