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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell his wife he is having an affair.

203 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 04/02/2019 19:59

I'm probably being an interfering old busybody who should mind her own business. However, I have recently found out that a married colleague of my DP (whom I have met socially, and thought he was a sleazebag) has been having a full on affair (for well over a year) with a married woman who works for a different company in the same industry. I've known about these rumours for ages, but a few days ago my DP saw them out together, all over each other like a bad rash, kissing etc in public for all to see. It's made me really annoyed on his wife's behalf.

He is married with 4 children under 10. I don't know his wife very well, but on having a snoop, I see that her fb is full of family photos, recent ones. She clearly doesn't have a clue and thinks they are a happy family.

I don't know the woman he is seeing, well I know her name and who she works for, but not personally.

The logical part of me tells me that this is none of my business, but another part of me wants to send his wife an anonymous message to tell her what's going on. I know that's probably being massively unreasonable, but he is such a slime and I would hope someone would tell me in such a situation so I wasn't living a total lie.
I'm pretty sure I won't do anything with his information, but want to know the general consensus on this sort of thing?

OP posts:
CallMeRachel · 04/02/2019 22:05

No good will come of it. Bloke might walk away with a new bed to hop into, wifey will have 4 kids under 10, a paltry portion of equity and no job prospects. She's really going to thank you for that. Because it will be all you fault, the messenger always gets shot.

This ^

Don't tell her. If anything must be said say it to him. Just don't gossip about it.
Marriages have so many ups and downs and ins and outs it's really not as black and white as people assume. It's a partnership for life, finances, everything.

What will be will be.

Leeds2 · 04/02/2019 22:11

My friend received such an anonymous letter (she did wonder if it was from the OW, but never knew). She and her DH broke up, and he moved in with the OW where he has now lived for many years.
My friend was, obviously, very upset but also grateful that she had found out.

Vicky1990 · 04/02/2019 22:12

You don't mention the betrayed husband, would it be better to tell him .

WinnieFosterTether · 04/02/2019 22:14

Tell her. I never understand the people who say 'don't'. Why should you cover for a cheating man?
If the wife wants to ignore it, she can. If the wife already knows and is ok with it, then she won't do anything. But if she doesn't know and if she'd rather not spend her life with a cheating arse then she can make plans accordingly.

Handprints2018 · 04/02/2019 22:19

If you had proof- photos, screenshots- something tangible then i would. But you have nothing like that so it could just appear a spiteful email. I've seen a couple of posts on here before from women receiving anon messages and they tie thrm up in knots more because their 'd'h can gaslight them.

AuchAyeTheNo · 04/02/2019 22:22

I would want to know Sad

category12 · 04/02/2019 22:26

I think doing it anonymously would be awful for her. I'm not in favour of keeping stuff like this secret and think she deserves to know - she may be driving herself crazy, being lied to and feeling like she's paranoid or has "trust issues".

BUT.
I think telling her anonymously would be incredibly cruel - she won't know whether to believe it, she'll wonder who it is, whether it's a friend or the OW herself, or he'll lie and say it's someone with a grudge making it up.

tolerable · 04/02/2019 22:29

aawwwwwww...I'd waant to know.
that said.having recieved anon info. you should do it in the full knowledge-its that,that blows your world apart.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 04/02/2019 22:30

Ffs you can’t go round policing who people choose to have sex with and what consenting adults do

People have affairs, his wife may turn a blind eye, they may have other issues in their life that you know nothing about

Of course many people will say well I would want to know - many spouses being cheated on do know they just are not ready to accept it she might be one of them

If she were a close friend that would be different you could judge how they would feel and know more about their lives but in this case you don’t

IncrediblySadToo · 04/02/2019 22:30

I’d rather have been told than been the last to know. FInding half the bloody world already knew is humiliating.

I wouldn’t care who told me, but I’d rather they didn’t do it anonymously, but still better that than not at all.

CandidCat · 04/02/2019 22:33

I would want to be told, even anonymously. The more information I received (eg names, dates, etc) the better able I would be to make my own investigation. How she might react, though, who knows. Some people prefer blissful ignorance . Good luck with your decision.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 04/02/2019 22:34

But this isn’t about you it’s aboit a couple the op hardly knows

Maybe we should have morality police like they do in countries like Saudi to control who adults hane consensual sex with Hmm

Villanellenovella · 04/02/2019 22:38

'No good will come of it' is an awful attitude to have. Burying your head in the sand means change will never come about.

Magenta46 · 04/02/2019 22:39

Send Him an anonymous message that if he doesn't tell his wife you know someone who will

Asta19 · 04/02/2019 22:48

I love how on these threads the affair sympathisers always come out with maybe she already knows, maybe they have an open relationship etc. Well if that’s the case then OP is doing no harm in telling her is she? OP do what feels morally right for you. That’s the bottom line. I would tell. I can’t abide cheats and once she knows then she gets some power back. Whether that means acting now, watching and waiting, or doing nothing at all. It becomes her choice. And she makes that choice in full possession of the facts.

BaaLamby · 04/02/2019 22:48

My ex husband as it turned out was having affairs throughout my whole marriage. I had no idea due to the type of job he did. it turned out a few of my close friends knew for a long time but no one told me. I never forgave them when i found out. I wasted years of my life believing he was my soulmate and we would grow old together. I threw him out on the spot but If just one of them had wrote me a letter completely anonymously with provable evidence, my life would be so different today! If it were me i would make sure she could find out!

kateandme · 05/02/2019 03:40

this is a hard one.
would I really not know.and just living in denial for the kids.
would I know and have told him hes not destroying our family or name and he does what he wants but we stay together.
it ould hurt like hell not knowing and all others did.
it would hurt being told but then ill find out one day so why not now.
she needs support.if you tell her who does she then go toso yo need to be prepare dto be there for someone I think.
why tell him.so he can stop?but he wont and will just be "BETTER" at cheating and lying.
or he will stop and she will still have been cheated on.
ooo I don't know! why do people do it!

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/02/2019 04:15

So it takes a village to raise a child, but the village will not support the woman who is getting fucked over?

That explains why none of the fuckers who knew what a cheating lying bastard I was married to, bothered to tell me. They all happily partook of my generous hospitality and played the "couples" game with us, all the while knowing what he was up to. And that includes people I didnt really know but he worked with.

FFS tell her. What she does with the information is up to her, but she deserves to make life decisions based on the truth, not what he wants her to think is the truth.

AwakeNow · 05/02/2019 04:18

Even if he (your dp) is correct, there is no evidence to prove what he saw.

AwakeNow · 05/02/2019 04:20

PS. The husband will deny it, that is why I said the above.

TheLastNigel · 05/02/2019 05:43

I would want to know. I'm another one who has struggled a lot with the fact that mural
Friends knew what my h was up to and didn't tell me. It's means I now don't trust anyone at all really and it battered my self esteem and my trust in my own judgment far more than if he'd just been having an affair and no one else knew.
That said, I think the issue you have op is that this woman is not a close friend of yours-you know her but not well... that makes it harder I think-she would be less likely to accept it coming from you and would be quicker to think you were just meddling than she might if you were a good friend to her. In this case then I wouldn't go and tell her-but I would keep an eye out from her from afar-and offer support when you think she needs it-this again happened to me-after it all care out someone I wasn't that close to, but knew a bit, messaged me and offered a bit of support out of the blue really and actually that meant quite a lot.

Santaclarita · 05/02/2019 05:56

Well, they say the wife is the last to know and in every case I've known this has been the same

Not really surprising is it considering the attitude of some women on here? 'keep quiet, it's none of your business' blah blah blah. Thought women were supposed to look out for each other, not gossip behind their backs? Who needs friends when you've got enemies like that?

Tell her op. It's far more bloody devious and cruel not to bother. Even if they are in an open relationship, so what? If they are, she can just throw the letter away and not give a damn. If they aren't, she has a chance to start divorce proceedings without him knowing and to ensure she gets a good deal out of the divorce. Rather than get stung like many do.

FixTheBone · 05/02/2019 06:07

You absolutely should tell this man's wife that her husband is having an affair.

For balance, and because you seem pretty good at interfering in other peoples business, you also need to track down the other woman's husband so that you can tell her husband that his wife is cheating on him.

Silkie2 · 05/02/2019 06:18

I would think if it's gone on that long then she knows but with 4 DCs can't face the fall out, maybe homelife is ok at present so she just ignores it.

shiveringtimber · 05/02/2019 06:24

Not your business. Stay out, especially with all those young children!