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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his wife he is having an affair.

203 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 04/02/2019 19:59

I'm probably being an interfering old busybody who should mind her own business. However, I have recently found out that a married colleague of my DP (whom I have met socially, and thought he was a sleazebag) has been having a full on affair (for well over a year) with a married woman who works for a different company in the same industry. I've known about these rumours for ages, but a few days ago my DP saw them out together, all over each other like a bad rash, kissing etc in public for all to see. It's made me really annoyed on his wife's behalf.

He is married with 4 children under 10. I don't know his wife very well, but on having a snoop, I see that her fb is full of family photos, recent ones. She clearly doesn't have a clue and thinks they are a happy family.

I don't know the woman he is seeing, well I know her name and who she works for, but not personally.

The logical part of me tells me that this is none of my business, but another part of me wants to send his wife an anonymous message to tell her what's going on. I know that's probably being massively unreasonable, but he is such a slime and I would hope someone would tell me in such a situation so I wasn't living a total lie.
I'm pretty sure I won't do anything with his information, but want to know the general consensus on this sort of thing?

OP posts:
Whatusernamecanihave · 04/02/2019 20:33

I would want to know and would have nothing but appreciation at being told!

Nomorepies · 04/02/2019 20:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

SuziQ10 · 04/02/2019 20:34

I would want to know. 100%.

However, I have previously told someone (DH's friend's fiancé) that her fiancé cheated on her and was hiding a mobile phone from her which he was using to contact the other woman. They did not break up as a result of her finding out. Her cheating partner now hates me and he fell out with my DH. It's all very awkward and I find is so uncomfortable being in the same room as her or her partner during get togethers with mutual friends.

Tell this woman, but make sure to do it anonymously with no chance of being discovered. And don't tell anyone at all you have told her.

PRoseLegend · 04/02/2019 20:35

If I was the wife, I'd want to know if someone had seen my husband kissing another woman.
Best to tell this man what you saw, and inform him you will be talking to his wife.
If we don't keep scumbags accountable then they will continue to get away with being scumbags and have no consequences.

Yes, it could "ruin" their marriage, but it's the husband's cheating that's done the ruining, not you telling the wife.
She deserves to know. She might suspect already, especially if she's been posting online about their happy family, people often post a lot to try to convince themselves things are okay when they're not. But at the very least for her health's sake she deserves to know so she can get STI tested, who knows who else this guy has slept with and what he has picked up and possibly passed on.

RLABC · 04/02/2019 20:36

Don't destroy a family as your first action Surely the cheating husband is doing that? Hmm

OP I'd want to know, if it was me.

Juells · 04/02/2019 20:38

I was quite hurt when I discovered people had known, and not told me.

pasturesgreen · 04/02/2019 20:38

Going against the grain here, but I would keep quiet. The man is a colleague of your DH's, and when if it transpires the revelation came from you it could turn ugly. It'd be different if you were friends with the wife, but as it is I'd mind my own business.

RomanyRoots · 04/02/2019 20:38

Well, they say the wife is the last to know and in every case I've known this has been the same Sad
I'd want to know, even from somebody who didn't know me well.
As long as it was written with kindness.

RLABC · 04/02/2019 20:39

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking you really sound like you have an axe to grind. What's the problem hun?

Passing4Human · 04/02/2019 20:39

I'd want to know, if it was me and would be grateful someone told me, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable interfering in someone else's relationship unless it was someone I knew really well and cared about. Because you don't know the wife very well you say, and you don't know their relationship I would stay out of it. But I'm not sure if I'm right about that or not. If I found out a close friend's partner was cheating I would definitely say something though. Also, might this make trouble for your DP, given that the messenger always gets it?

AuntieStella · 04/02/2019 20:40

"she doesn't deserve to have her life ripped apart"

But that's precisely what her DH is doing to her.

Yes, people sometimes shoot the messenger, but 'the wife's the last to know' is an utterly utterly shitty position to be in.

dayswithaY · 04/02/2019 20:41

The thought of getting an anonymous letter through the post about anything is creepy and weird. If it was me I'd be inclined to not believe anything in the letter and just think I'd acquired a stalker and be frightened to death. Do you want to do this to a woman you don't know? It's a horrible thing to do. Stay out of her business, it will all come out anyway as he will slip up or the other woman will force his hand. I can't believe anyone thinks an anonymous tip off is a good idea, it's just too delicate for that.

You are better of confronting the husband or other woman to their face, tell them what they are doing is wrong and and watch them squirm. Leave the poor wife alone, she will find out in due course and have to deal with it then. Otherwise it's just meddling in someone's life.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 04/02/2019 20:42

@RLABC I'm not German Hmm

Annandale · 04/02/2019 20:42

I wouldn't want to know. I'd have to act grateful if you told me, but I'd wish you hadn't.

In general, staying out of other people's business is a sound strategy. I'd agree it might be different if you were best friends or if he'd made a pass at you.

If you do ever spend time with her, listen out for cues that she is actually asking for information or feeling distressed and not sure why. But don't go barrelling in there with both feet.

Feelingfullandreadytoclean · 04/02/2019 20:44

Problem is you say you don't know her. You can't just tell her awful news like this then walk away and not offer support. She needs someone to lean on and seeing as you don't know her it would be quite harsh to leave her with news like that.

On the other hand how horrible to think your DH is having an affair and lots of people knew and said nothing. All pitying you behind your back.

Could your DH say something to him? A little warning that people have realised what he is up to? Let him know people are not stupid and it will get back to his wife quite quickly?

Notever · 04/02/2019 20:47

You've got no proof to give her anyway. He'll just talk his way out of it obviously.
Keep out of it, its none of your business.

Bestseller · 04/02/2019 20:47

I don't think having FB full of family photo proves his wife knows nothing. IME, people keeping up appearances in far from perfect relationships are most likely to post them.

Leave well alone.

Daw321 · 04/02/2019 20:48

I'd tread carefully. If they were a friend i wouldn't hesitate to tell them but as you've said yourself you dont know her that well so personally I'd probably keep out of it as you cant know for certain she'd appreciate being told or actually believe you were telling the truth. Him on the other hand I'd let it be known to him anonymously that his affair is no longer a well kept secret and that might scare him into ending the affair as he'd have no idea who sent the letter so would have no idea who was watching him.

WaroftheWorlds · 04/02/2019 20:49

I am another who had the humiliation of a load of people knowing, and no one telling me. Anyone one of them could have told me, and ended it sooner. None of them did. I don't speak to any of the ones that knew that claimed to be my friend, and I struggle now, with embarrassment when I see the others.

I suspected of course, but had nothing. No evidence. I wish just one of them had the guts to tell me. When I found out, I found out every one knew but me, and that was a fresh pain.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/02/2019 20:50

You’re not a friend or a confidant to the wife.she doesn’t know you.dont disclose

This high minded,one simply must tell is simply nosiness and pompous Disguised as doing the right thing

I worked with woman who knew her dp was cheating,pretended not to know in order to have time to,gather collateral.plan an exit,sort things in a time that suited her. Without the circus and onlookers of folk knowing he’d cheated and expecting her to react,all fury and scorn

AmoraObscura · 04/02/2019 20:52

I know a woman who's posting all manner of "my rock - my life" crap on FB, she's on Tinder, and it's not OK with him.

You have no idea what's going on.

Maybe she's just bloody grateful some other daft woman is prepared to take care of his sexual needs so she can enjoy a bit of peace.

You have no idea what the situation might be.

Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 04/02/2019 20:54

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking I always find it amazing that people you don't know on the internet can make sweeping assumptions about your character, and never positive ones.
Says more about them than the person they are slating.

I hope you get some help for whatever is making you so angry and unnecessarily nasty and provocative. Being a troll is quite a depressing way to be in the world, I hope you find something more meaningful to fill your time.

OP posts:
islathepaella · 04/02/2019 20:55

I’m on the side of telling her especially if you can do it anonymously. I’ve been cheated on before with everyone knowing but me and it’s just another kick in the teeth. I’d 100% want to know if it was me OP.

Nobody deserves to be with a lying, cheating rat when everyone knows it but you.

BeanoBrown · 04/02/2019 20:56

Its a no win situation, being the last to know is humiliating and devastating, but the well intentioned messenger is still likely to be shot because the news itself is life changing.

Original poster
Absofuckinglutely · 04/02/2019 20:57

Thanks everyone. On reflection, as much as I'm outraged at this slimebag, I don't know what goes on in his marriage and so I'm going to keep my own counsel on this and not tell his wife. I may have to make sure he knows that this has become public knowledge, but he's so arrogant that I'm not sure it would stop him. Makes me sick.

OP posts: