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Original poster

To tell his wife he is having an affair.

203 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 04/02/2019 19:59

I'm probably being an interfering old busybody who should mind her own business. However, I have recently found out that a married colleague of my DP (whom I have met socially, and thought he was a sleazebag) has been having a full on affair (for well over a year) with a married woman who works for a different company in the same industry. I've known about these rumours for ages, but a few days ago my DP saw them out together, all over each other like a bad rash, kissing etc in public for all to see. It's made me really annoyed on his wife's behalf.

He is married with 4 children under 10. I don't know his wife very well, but on having a snoop, I see that her fb is full of family photos, recent ones. She clearly doesn't have a clue and thinks they are a happy family.

I don't know the woman he is seeing, well I know her name and who she works for, but not personally.

The logical part of me tells me that this is none of my business, but another part of me wants to send his wife an anonymous message to tell her what's going on. I know that's probably being massively unreasonable, but he is such a slime and I would hope someone would tell me in such a situation so I wasn't living a total lie.
I'm pretty sure I won't do anything with his information, but want to know the general consensus on this sort of thing?

OP posts:
Santaclarita · 05/02/2019 11:11

Kind of hope that those saying not to say anything get lied to by their own family and friends about their partner cheating, and then find out everyone knew and was laughing about it behind your back. You'll understand then, maybe, what those women go through.

Although since you clearly have to emotional range of a rock, I doubt it.

There is literally no reason to not say. Other than to protect yourself, which is cowardly. I do wonder how many saying don't tell are having their own affairs.

beclou94x · 05/02/2019 11:17

When I said it might come back to bite you, I talk from experience. I once told a lady I knew for a fact her partner was cheating, gave her proof, and then somehow I ended up being the one who was questioned about EVERYTHING. Then when he wormed his way out of it, I was accused of being jealous and lying (despite the evidence). So yes, if I was ever to tell anyone again I'd do it anon. Not that I would ever get involved in anything like that again. I'd keep my mouth shut and just hope she found out herself.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 11:20

Kind of hope that those saying not to say anything get lied to by their own family and friends about their partner cheating, and then find out everyone knew and was laughing about it behind you.r back. You'll understand then, maybe, what those women go through

Incredibly nasty post from someone who proffesses to care about people. And the op is neither friend or family.

If she was, and thought the spouse would wish to know, then my personal advice would be to tell her personally

This is her husband's colleagues wife who she barely knows. But based on your ill wishes to everyone, then I guess no one is surprised you're alll for the shitty anonymous letter leaving her worrying who sent it.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 11:22

And in addition I don't know anyone who would laugh behind a friend or family members back about an affair.

You must spend time with some really shitty people.

Santaclarita · 05/02/2019 11:27

Bluntness100

I'm the uncaring one? In comparison to all those that are happy to let people get cheated on by their partners, sit there and not tell them? Just gossip about it behind the person's back? Right...

And no, no one I know would laugh about it behind their backs. But the people I know would tell you if you were being cheated on, not just hide the fact from you. I wouldnt be friends with someone who could be that sneaky and disgusting.

bibbidybobbidyboo · 05/02/2019 11:29

If you're going to do it, don't do it anonymously.

If you're ok telling her then you should be ok attaching your face to it.

But I want to know where OP's husband is in all of this? Really if anyone should be doing something it should be him, he's the one that actually works with the guy and saw the incident.

Orangecake123 · 05/02/2019 11:33

I'd want to know.

Not the same thing, but I started a thing with a boy who asked out and went on a date with another girl. My best friend M was told by the other girl who told her for advice- but she chose not to tell me because it was her business.

XJerseyGirlX · 05/02/2019 11:34

Why don't you message the lying cheating prick anonymously and tell him you have proof and give him 2 days to tell his poor wife or you will.

Orangecake123 · 05/02/2019 11:34

Because of that and something else- I'm not friends with her anymore.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 11:38

Santa, which part of them not being friends, barely knowing each other are you struggling to grasp.? Which part of saying don't do it anonymously is causing you the most problems? Which part of this says to you anyone would be "happy" about the situation, and which part of this is indicating to you that anyone thinks gossiping is ok,?

And which part of you think it's ok to come on line and wish people's partners cheated on them, and hope their friends and family were laughing at them?

Do tell, I think we would all be keen to know.

Lizzie48 · 05/02/2019 11:40

yet pretty much every woman on this thread whose husband or ex had affairs is saying they wished someone had told them

Yes, I've noticed this, it's very telling. I would tread carefully, though, as you don't know her. For all you know, she might have MH issues and an anonymous letter could tip her over the edge. (I have MH issues but no one would know that just from my FB page, as I'm very private.)

Santaclarita · 05/02/2019 11:48

Bluntness100

I've not said don't do it anonymously. If the op feels more comfortable with that, at least the wife is going to find out and can decide what to do herself.

Everyone saying don't tell is clearly quite happy to do this to anyone. Some of them have even said so, on this and previous threads. They don't want to be involved, even if it were a friend. So they are happy to lie to a friend. That's not being a friend. I wonder how many of the wife's 'friends' know about her husband?

And I think it's fine to say because if you are happy to treat someone like that, then you are fine for people to treat you in exactly the same way. Don't give respect and loyalty, you don't get it.

ImNotKitten · 05/02/2019 12:02

What have you decided to do OP?

FWIW, if I was the wife I would 100% want to know.

EngagedAgain · 05/02/2019 12:06

Not rtft, but I'd keep out of it. She'll find out soon enough. Also, she might already know. Some people do actually turn a blind eye. If you do and there's a big 'fallout' afterwards how are you going to feel then? I know it's infuriating, but I don't think it's your place to tell her.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 05/02/2019 12:15

@Confusedbeetle Tue 05-Feb-19 11:05:42

@plain speaking, what a piece of work you are

Really? Shall I tell you what I do? I scrape up DV victims, some of whom get a right thrashing by partners, jealous partners, who listen to gossip, the sort of gossip the OP is touting. Some people DIE because of idle gossip, but it gives the gossipers something else to tut over. And it lets you salivate over the papers when all the gorey details come out.

@ SummerGems Tue 05-Feb-19 11:02:07 - fantastic post

MumMumMum1 · 05/02/2019 12:23

You should send an anonymous message - to him! Tell him his affair is public knowledge & his public displays of affection haven’t gone unnoticed. Tell him to have some fucking respect for his wife & kids or you’ll be passing the information on to his wife. Call him a sleeze bag as well, twat!

Dexra · 05/02/2019 12:23

Its interesting that the two posters on here who have usernames which seem to boast about their 'direct, no frills' approach are actually both just bizarrely aggressive.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 12:27

at least the wife is going to find out and can decide what to do herself

But why do you or the op get to decide if she should know.? The point is she migh not wish to know. This can't be disputed and it's not your decision to make. This is not a friend where the op can do it with care. And as summer gems stated, doing it anonymously just leaves her paranoid about who did it.

And Dexra, I usually don't respond to you, but I'll say it once. You need to stop with the mad stalking.

Dexra · 05/02/2019 12:34

Mad stalking? I'm fairly sure I've never interacted with you before in my life, Bluntness! Just saw you getting quite nasty on this thread, that's all. Think you've confused me with someone else.

Santaclarita · 05/02/2019 12:35

Bluntness100

OP could easily say in the letter that she is just an acquaintance. Even if she told her in person, how does the wife know she isn't one of the ones doing her husband? And the wife might not wish to know but what if she does? What if she's one of the ones who posts on here, with a gut feeling her partner is cheating and no evidence? Just knows she is being lied to?

If she doesn't care, she can tear the letter up, no harm done. But leaving her in the dark is cruel. Once she has the information it's up to her what she does with it.

Spidersbaby · 05/02/2019 12:38

Bluntness

Well equally you're deciding that she shouldn't know. And the point is she might wish to know. And it's interesting that there are people on here that have actually been in that situation who have said they wish they'd been told, and unless I've missed it, precisely no one saying they wish they hadn't been told.

Have an opinion by all means, as do others, but don't believe you're right because you don't know that any more than anyone else does.

And as for whether people would say don't believe it if they got an anonymous letter, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say necessarily believe it either. But it might be grounds for concern if you already felt your partner was being unfaithful.

islathepaella · 05/02/2019 12:45

Its interesting that the two posters on here who have usernames which seem to boast about their 'direct, no frills' approach are actually both just bizarrely aggressive.

Hahaha, this ^

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 12:49

But it's also cruel to blow her world apart when she'd rather not know. And doing it anonymously is the lowest of the low. Either do it and own it, because you believe it's the right thing to do, or err on the side of caution, not ruin someone's life because of your own personal feelings on the matter,

As said, none of us are god, we don't get to steam roller into a strangers life and rip it asunder and hide in the shadows.

If this was a friend, or a family member, then doing it face to face would be a very different story, it would be taking personal responsibility for your actions

It's a who,e different ballgame when it's a virtual stranger, whose marriage you know nothing about, and with four children, and you want to do it the cowardly way with an anomyous letter. Then that really is all about you and nothing about the people involved,

GrandmaJane · 05/02/2019 12:53

Don’t.
People are different. Some can conduct affairs without disrupting family life. Why interfere?

SheeshazAZ09 · 05/02/2019 12:54

I'm with those who would want to be told. My ex was having an affair for some time before I found out and I must say I felt betrayed when I discovered that "everyone knew" and no one thought they owed it to me to tell me. But be prepared to be attacked and/or slagged off by the cheated-on wife, since the messenger often does get shot.

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