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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his wife he is having an affair.

203 replies

Absofuckinglutely · 04/02/2019 19:59

I'm probably being an interfering old busybody who should mind her own business. However, I have recently found out that a married colleague of my DP (whom I have met socially, and thought he was a sleazebag) has been having a full on affair (for well over a year) with a married woman who works for a different company in the same industry. I've known about these rumours for ages, but a few days ago my DP saw them out together, all over each other like a bad rash, kissing etc in public for all to see. It's made me really annoyed on his wife's behalf.

He is married with 4 children under 10. I don't know his wife very well, but on having a snoop, I see that her fb is full of family photos, recent ones. She clearly doesn't have a clue and thinks they are a happy family.

I don't know the woman he is seeing, well I know her name and who she works for, but not personally.

The logical part of me tells me that this is none of my business, but another part of me wants to send his wife an anonymous message to tell her what's going on. I know that's probably being massively unreasonable, but he is such a slime and I would hope someone would tell me in such a situation so I wasn't living a total lie.
I'm pretty sure I won't do anything with his information, but want to know the general consensus on this sort of thing?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 04/02/2019 20:59

I wouldn't. There's a chance she already knows.

islathepaella · 04/02/2019 21:00

*Oh so virtuous!

It's devious and sly to do things anonymously - if you have the balls, tell her to her face, but you won't. Because you don't actually know if any of this is true or just gossip.

What you actually like is the power you hold over other people lives, it give you a thrill knowing you can destroy families.

What bit do you think you'll enjoy most?

Ironic you’re posting your catty opinion anonymously

Bestseller · 04/02/2019 21:06

I agree with Plainspeaking. I would have put it more gently but OP has no certain knowledge that being told would be better for the wife. She may be well aware and pretending not to be for any number of reasons, telling her could ruin the pretence.

OP doesn't know the woman, she has no reason to interfere than for interfering's sake and she won't be there to pick up the pieces or offer support.

Telling her anonymously would be downright cruel. She'd spend a lifetime wondering which of her friends knew but couldn't tell her to her face or (if she doesn't already know) whether it was true or just someone out to hurt her/her DH

BlimeyCalmDown · 04/02/2019 21:11

I would want to know and would feel humiliated if people knew and didn't tell me.

CammieKennaway · 04/02/2019 21:11

If I were you, I'd keep out of it. You have no idea of how his poor wife will react or what she's going through in other areas of her life - the truth often finds a way out anyway, so eventually the sleaze and his tramp will be caught out.

Begrateful · 04/02/2019 21:14

You're not set to be the next Scooby-doo, so best not to meddle in other peoples personal affairs.
🙈🙉🙊

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 04/02/2019 21:14

I hope you get some help for whatever is making you so angry and unnecessarily nasty and provocative

I'm not angry at all. I might be if I got a dodgy letter in the post, or a random stranger I'd never met before strolled up with her chest all puffed out with that head tilt and the 'there there there' voice and proceeded to tell me that I needed to know some third hand gossip her partner had picked up along the way.

I make you question your motives, and thats why you don't like my post, it's making your squirm. So, why do you want to destroy someone elses family? why are you stalking the wife on FB? what are you getting out of this?

I love to know what makes people tick, because sure as eggs is eggs, you're not doing it for the good of mankind, or womankind ! You're doing it because you think you have the right to judge other peoples lifestyles and relationships.

No good will come of it. Bloke might walk away with a new bed to hop into, wifey will have 4 kids under 10, a paltry portion of equity and no job prospects. She's really going to thank you for that. Because it will be all you fault, the messenger always gets shot.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 04/02/2019 21:16

And I suppose @islathepaella is on your birth certificate

cameliagreenfingers · 04/02/2019 21:24

I really wish people had told me when I was in this situation. Looking back I can see a few people tried to hint. I could have done with an outright truth telling.

Thankssomuch · 04/02/2019 21:29

I’ve been the recipient of an anonymous letter of that nature and trust me they do nothing but harm. This is none of your business. Stay out of it. You know nothing about their marriage.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/02/2019 21:32

I agree with PlainSpeaking and also DayswithaY. I can't summon any patience or respect for anybody who would write an anonymous note. Why bother? It's not for any altruistic reasons, just cowardly ones.

OP - don't call posters trolls just because you don't like what they post.

Spidersbaby · 04/02/2019 21:34

Hilarious that people think it's the messenger that breaks up families rather than the cheating scumbag partner.

Weird that people think it's more likely that people have an open marriage than that he's having a sordid secret affair.

And OP you don't sound like you relish meddling in people's lives, otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question.

It's a very difficult one. But I can't help but feel she'd be more humiliated if she found out she was the last to know.

Rtmhwales · 04/02/2019 21:36

Why do people always say on this forum not to because they might have an open marriage for all the OP knows Hmm

The likelihood is quite small they do and IF they do, the wife will hardly be distraught to hear about it. I'd do it anonymously but with enough detail that she knows it's true.

Yabbers · 04/02/2019 21:39

Whilst I’m sure I’d want to know, I wouldn’t want to get the information in an anonymous message. I’d want someone to sit me down and tell me. If you are going to ruin someone’s life, it’s at least better to be there for them when you do it.

Social Media is no indication of how wonderfully somekne’s life is going. In fact the more happy family pics posted, the more likely there is trouble IME

Bestseller · 04/02/2019 21:41

I don't think it's likely they have an open marriage. I do think its likely she already knows (he's hardly being discreet) and has either chosen to pretend not to or is biding her time.

lboogy · 04/02/2019 21:42

Stay out of it. It's not your business.
What do you want her to do with the information if you did tell her?

thisgirlwantsmore · 04/02/2019 21:46

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking are you actually him?

Thankssomuch · 04/02/2019 21:49

Let’s assume that the wife knows nothing about this and thinks they are blissfully happy (unlikely). Do you think she would read an anonymous letter, believe it, and confront her husband? Why would she believe a letter from someone who isn’t even prepared to put their name to it? And when hubby denies it and dismisses it as a malicious piece of interference she will believe him because she wants to. You will have sewed a seed of doubt perhaps, if that helps. It doesn’t.

thisgirlwantsmore · 04/02/2019 21:50

@Absofuckinglutely I think you should write a letter. I think it's bad enough knowing your being cheated on but then finding everyone else has known and pitied you. Yuk. Do the right thing x

islathepaella · 04/02/2019 21:52

And I suppose @islathepaella is on your birth certificate

Oh, have I made you more angry? Hmm @PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

Think you want to re-read your original comment you definately are angry & abit too invested for my liking..

I love to know what makes people tick, because sure as eggs is eggs, you're not doing it for the good of mankind, or womankind ! You're doing it because you think you have the right to judge other peoples lifestyles and relationships.

Need I say more? Calm down.

IlluminatiConfirmed · 04/02/2019 21:53

Thinking that she doesn't have a clue and would like to know is your assumption. You may be completely wrong - you don't know her.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/02/2019 21:57

If I was the wife I would want to know - absolutely. As the 'informer' however you cant win because you dont know how she will react. I would still tell her but be aware of the fall out

tillytrotter1 · 04/02/2019 22:02

She certainly won't appreciate that all their acquaintances are gossiping about them.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/02/2019 22:04

Keep your beak out. Wank all you like about the exciting idea of having power over other people's lives, but don't act on it. This is not your business in any way - you don't know the wife, you have no idea whether she suspects her H is seeing someone else but is making plans and biding her time, whether they have agreed to some level of open marriage, or whether she's got another fling going on as well. You barging in to a stranger's life, full of your own importance, is not going to benefit this woman in any way, whether she believes you or not.

PeggySuehadababy · 04/02/2019 22:04

Your husband should tell her, as he has witnessed their behaviour; an anonimous letter would only be based on gossip and second hand stories. Stay out until you have more direct evidence.