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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:
MyBreadIsEggy · 03/02/2019 10:45

She’s an adult, way over the age of consent, so yes, I think YABU.
She may live in your house, but she’s not a child.
As long as you can’t hear them going at it like a pair of rabbits, I don’t really see a problem with the boyfriend staying over.

Sparklingbrook · 03/02/2019 10:46

I wasn't allowed at that age and I was fine with it, however I think now I would let my DC, I just feel differently than my parents did.

BlueSuffragette · 03/02/2019 10:47

Your house so your rules. However, she is an adult in a long term relationship. Therefore I don't think it is an unreasonable request.

Lwg87 · 03/02/2019 10:48

My parents always said once both parties were 18 it was up to us. By the time I was that age I realised it was more respectful to them not to anyway so never did. She should respect your wishes imo

evto · 03/02/2019 10:49

Why were you uncomfortable?

cuntymckuntface · 03/02/2019 10:49

Yanbu
My parents wouldn't allow this. It was something I respected and a boundary I wouldn't push.
It's about respect for you and your home.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/02/2019 10:50

I think yabu. It's her home too. I think she will move out if you treat her like a child. Would you prefer that?

NewIdeasToday · 03/02/2019 10:55

At that age of course it should be ok. I really can’t even see what the issue is.

FromDespairToHere · 03/02/2019 10:55

This is exactly the same ages as my DD and her boyfriend. He stays at ours (in her room) regularly, although I have told her that if I ever hear so much as a bedspring creak I'll start singing Onward Christian Soldiers at the top of my voice. I may know it happens but I don't wanna know that it's happening!

Passmethecrisps · 03/02/2019 10:57

At the end of the day it is your house if that’s how you choose to see it. Is it also her home? Is she looking to leave anytime soon? How you deal with this really depends on how you see her future relationship with you and staying in that house.

Spudina · 03/02/2019 10:59

YABU. She is an adult in a relationship. It's her home. Where do you think she will end up doing it?? In a car like I did when faced with a similar situation. Is that really what you want?

MyBreadIsEggy · 03/02/2019 11:01

FromDespair Grin I love it!!
Same gap between me and my now husband too. He used to stay over, in my room from when I was 17ish (he was 21). My mum used to say “I’d better not hear any banging headboards” Blush

sirfredfredgeorge · 03/02/2019 11:01

Your house so your rules

It's also her house, unless you think somehow paying the bills allows you to control other members of the household. For me that sort of controlling behaviour of any adult in the household is inappropriate.

So, yes YABU.

OhTheRoses · 03/02/2019 11:01

I don't see that as a problem at 19 and with a serious boyfriend you have met and like. Would ou feel the same if it was your ds bringing home a girlfriend. If not perhaps have a little chat with yourself.

Ours are 24 and 20 btw. The world has moved on. My parents' house was their home. Mine and DH's house is our family's home.

TheFairyCaravan · 03/02/2019 11:03

I think YABU. DS2 used to bring his girlfriend home when he was at university. It wasn't until they'd been together for a good few months that he asked. She's a really lovely young woman and they're very committed to each other.

My parents wouldn't let me have DH sleep in my room until we were married. It was ridiculous and we never felt comfortable there. We felt like we were always being watched and not trusted.

ElspethFlashman · 03/02/2019 11:04

I think I'd be OK with it in theory, but wouldn't be able to relax for one second in case my batlike hearing heard grunting. Oh god nobody wants to hear that.

TheBigBangRocks · 03/02/2019 11:05

I'd be happy to let long term partners stay over but not recent bfs/gfs.

limerancevictim · 03/02/2019 11:07

I’d be happy with this and do allow it with my DD.

CallMeVito · 03/02/2019 11:07

Absolutely not in my house.
if they are old enough to have a serious relationship - fine by me - and want to live together! then you are old enough to have your own place.

We are more than happy to have boyfriends and girlfriends for lunch or diner when age appropriate, but we are not a B&B.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 03/02/2019 11:07

Your house, your rules. But she is an adult. At 16, I'd understand feeling uneasy with it but at 19... she really can make that decision for herself.

Notwiththeseknees · 03/02/2019 11:07

I love all the "It's her home" replies. Course it is, but that doesn't give her free rein to do as she likes. When she leaves the nest and gets her own property she can do as she pleases. Fill it full of pygmy goats, convert the dining table into a shelter & sleep underneath it, buy 100 puppies, keep goldfish in the bath (or coal)....
In the meantime, the HPs (home providers aka parents) get to say who sleeps under their roof, and where.

Mrscog · 03/02/2019 11:09

I think YABU - she's 19! She must be mortified.

bluebeck · 03/02/2019 11:09

I allowed DS GF to stay over when he lived at home. I think they had been together about three months before he asked.

I can't see the problem. Can you explain why you don't want him to stay over? Did you/DH think your DD would never have sex? If they were living together and visiting you (same age as they are now) would you allow them to share a room?

JustanotherCHRISTMASuser01 · 03/02/2019 11:09

Better for them to be in her room safe in your home rather than them deciding to get some unsafe bedsit together somewhere or in a risky place outside. So yabu. Why not talk to them and ask them only to have sex when other people are in bed asleep or something if you don't feel comfortable

bistrotea · 03/02/2019 11:10

Absolutely not in my house.

Why not?

they are old enough to have a serious relationship - fine by me - and want to live together!

Not sure having a partner stay over is akin to living to living together.

then you are old enough to have your own place.

But perhaps not financially placed?

We are more than happy to have boyfriends and girlfriends for lunch or diner when age appropriate, but we are not a B&B.

Just a restaurant then?