Or just old fashioned and prudish?

[Amumoftwo]

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

The only people that should be fornicating under your roof are those that have their names on the mortgage or lease

So, because I own my home outright and it is freehold, I am not allowed to fornicate under my own roof?

Have you earned the right by being married though, Soup?

I'm not married either. I am screwed. But obviously not literally.

Ah, threads like this are what keep me coming back to Mumsnet. Initially, because I find it genuinely thought-provoking and helpful to be reminded that we don’t all think and feel the same, but as this thread has progressed the responses have brought some good comedy value too.

I'd let them share. For what it’s worth, I often think about what my parents did and didn’t get right with me and my siblings. Despite seeming pretty strict in the matter of boyfriends when I was younger, from 16 my parents were quite relaxed. I was allowed a boyfriend (who I’d been with for a few months - this is definitely long term I’d say) to stay in my room from 17, and often went to and had mixed sex sleepovers. In my experience, my parents’ attitude meant that I was open with them (told them I was going on the pill, for example), did no sneaking around or lying, they trusted me and I felt trusted, and the same for my siblings. At university I met my now DH and he came to stay in the hols and shared my room. Why not, we were living together in student accommodation? This welcoming attitude did not, as some seem to think would, act as a gateway to me suddenly coming home with a series of random men I’d picked up for one night stands or me taking advantage of my parents’ good will. They do however have a cracking relationship with DH, who they welcomed from day one when we were youthful, besotted students.

My children are only young now, but I often revisit how I feel about things like this and hope I will treat them like adults at 19. I am still not sure why it’s inherently disrespectful to share a room in your parents’ house - having sex, or not. I’m also inclined to agree with previous posters most offspring would prefer to wait for an empty house to shag, so the room sharing is a bit irrelevant.

Oh no! I have checked my marriage certificate and they left off the part about how I am now allowed to have sex.

I think YABU. But it is your house so ultimately your decision.

Mine are small yet, so I don’t know how I would feel about it. But I remember my ILs not letting me (24) and now DH (30) share a bed when visiting their house. It was totally ridiculous and laughable. It came across as if they thought we shouldn’t be having sex, it’s for married couples only. Well, we did (and do) have a great sex life before we officially tied the knot and terrible terrible thing, we found ourselves in bed on our first date. Maybe they thought we were seedy?

I didn’t care about their stiff prudish attitudes then and treating our relationship like that didn’t get them any browny points. His Mom hit the roof when she learnt we had been staying in a hotel (well, we weren’t allowed to stay over at their house??). She was disgusted at us having a ‘dirty weekend’ (in her own words).

Shall I say if did nothing to prevent or stop us having sex? I see no point of being hypocritical and pretending that your grown DC are celibate when in relationships. I can’t get the reasoning that as long as you don’t see it/don’t know about it, it makes it all right? Some kind of twisted logic.

His Mom hit the roof when she learnt we had been staying in a hotel (well, we weren’t allowed to stay over at their house??).

Quite. "When you come here for Christmas, you're not sharing a bed you know!" "OK. Hotels are grim at Christmas, so we'll do something else, but we might get a hotel and come and see you in the spring". "Wah! Wah! Wah! Why are abandoning us at Christmas?"

Does she pay rent? If yes, she is an adult and I think YABU. I would much rather they were intimate at home than doing it in public areas because they have nowhere else to go.

Does she pay rent? If yes, she is an adult

That's not how being an adult is defined.

Does she pay rent? If yes, she is an adult and I think YABU

Why does paying rent matter - are you suggesting that a non working spouse doesn't get the right to invite people over to stay simply because their partner pays the bills? That's fucking insane, why would it apply to a child of the family if it doesn't apply to the spouse?

That's not how being an adult is defined.

Tell us about the definition of an adult which doesn't include 19 year olds, please.

Tell us about the definition of an adult which doesn't include 19 year olds, please.

I'm not sure what you mean?

refelctent

I can't. Of course 19yo's are adults.

Jaques not The point and if you are smart enough to cherry pick one line you know already know that isn't the point

Oh it’s very much the point. You made it.

What the hell has this thread descended into, it's hilarious.

I'm just going to text my 19yr old dd now to tell her to stop any fornicating in her flat in halls with her boyfriend of a few months. I'll inform her it's most unseemly according to some on mn

I'm just going to text my 19yr old dd now to tell her to stop any fornicating in her flat in halls with her boyfriend of a few months. I'll inform her it's most unseemly according to some on mn

I’m supposed to be seeing my FWB tomorrow. In a hotel that neither of us own.

I’m afraid we’ll have to sign in as Mr & Mrs Smith lest someone know we aren’t married.

Some folk have a real problem with sex. Perhaps it is worse when it is family, I do not know. I know when they go off to college it is going to happen, they are going to have a relationship or two. To not allow them to share a room with someone they sleep with elsewhere does not bother me. And I never spent a night with my husband until our wedding night because of our parents.

One night stands I do draw the line at because there is no love involved.

I’d be fine with it. My parents were - but then I was paying to live in their house so I insisted that if I’m paying rent I be treated like a lodger.

Among the sensible posts, there are some really revealing attitudes towards sex being exposed here. No wonder rape culture and anti-abortion mindsets are alive and well if so many parents think their adult children having sex in an established relationship is something sordid, akin to prostitution and to be avoided at all costs. Clearly sex is still something that nice girls don't do and if you dare to transgress then inevitably it's a life on benefits as a single mother for you...and let that be your punishment.

Good gods. If people want to start getting all religious and Hyacinthy about it, just remember that HM, the devout Head of the CofE, isn't all that fussed about it. William and Kate were bunked up at university and later at Buckingham Palace. Meghan and Harry were living together at Kensington Palace, as were Eugenie and Jack. Both houses provided by Her Maj. Zara and Mike were also living together. Goodness knows what goes on with the Yorks. Anne was shagging the equerry before marrying him. So not a big deal at what is supposed to be the apex of society.

Yes, be more Queen, OP!

The strange thing is though,that OP and plenty of others who say they wouldn't allow it aren't even mentioning religious beliefs at all. Could understand their objections better if they did.
They just talk about it being "disrespectful" and "not under my roof".
None has really explained why their adult children having sex is such a terrible or disrespectful thing.

Good gods. If people want to start getting all religious and Hyacinthy about it, just remember that HM, the devout Head of the CofE, isn't all that fussed about it.

Worrying about sex outside marriage is a lower middle class thing, so the Bouquet reference is spot on. The faithful monarch who was a virgin on the night of their marriage is a pretty mythical beast.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_and_British_royal_mistress

I never felt comfortable bringing a partner home to sleep at my parents' house, and was shocked a few year ago when I found out that my niece was "allowed" by her parents to stay with her boyfriend at what I considered a very young age - 17. It was only when talking about it with my mother, that I realised she was doing exactly as I had done. In my case, my parents spoke with my partner's parents about the set-up, which was a bit of a farce in reality, but obviously made them feel better about the situation.

My sister on the other hand, installed a few guys over the years, and basically completely abused our parents - trashing the room, eating them out of house and home etc. I came home one night to find my father and the then bf having a massive row, which was fast going bad, and I stepped in and broke it up. I told the bf that he was out of order, and that while he was sleeping under someone else's roof, he should show some respect. I got called a "jumped up tart" and he and my wayward younger sister moved out the following day.

Prior to that, I recall once arriving home from a club and my father calling down the stairs asking which of us it was. I replied "me", to which he responded "Where is your sister?" so I told him "Outside in the back of a car", omitting the fact that the car door was open and it was very clear what they were doing. Had it been me he would most likely have gone outside and dragged me indoors, but as it was her, he turned over and went back to sleep.

Times have changed, sadly sex so often seems to be more of an "activity" rather than something that goes on between two people who care about and respect each other. I like to think that if my child were in such a relationship, I would accommodate that and ask that there was a mutual respect in the circumstances. I think there need to be ground rules/safe sex chat etc, but at such an age, I'd prefer that they had somewhere safe to share private time, rather than be in a car or round the back of a club etc.

Everyone's different, and it is your home and you have your beliefs, so it is a decision only you and your family can make. I hope that you can reach an agreeable compromise so nobody is uncomfortable in their own home.

I forgot to mention that at one point when my partner's father had a bit of a breakdown he went into religious zealot mode and accused his wife of running a "knocking shop"!