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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:
marymarkle · 05/02/2019 16:20

I have had sex in my parents house and my in laws house. I am amazed that anyone in this day and age would judge that.

ToftyAC · 05/02/2019 16:33

If the only people fornicating under my roof should be the people on the mortgage or deeds then I’m a bit stuffed! Probate hasn’t gone through yet but I’m living in the house Left to me in a Will. As such, the only people who should be shagging in this household are my dead parents 🤔

MyBreadIsEggy · 05/02/2019 16:50

My mother is your typical, catholic, Polish woman.
I was very surprised when she and my dad allowed my now DH to stay over in my room - I was 17, he was 23. She told me a few years ago “Me and your dad did it in every room at your babcia’s house!” Confused
Cheers mum Blush Could do without that image ingrained in my brain

Ella1980 · 05/02/2019 17:02

I have boys age 8 and 11 so ages off but personally speaking it would depend on the nature of the relationship. For example, I wouldn't be comfortable with my son bringing home a different girl frequently if it was just a no-strings type arrangement. I would hope this wouldn't be what he'd want either (I believe sex should be more 'valued' than that) but ateotd it's his choice. It just wouldn't be something I would condone.
However, I have no problem at all if he is a stable/respectful relationship. I'd be more concerned if he was but not having sex! It's a normal part of an adult relationship.

My mum was the same with me, she let my first boyfriend stop over once we had been dating for some time. We met the year before I was due to go to uni (I was 17) and then when I went I couldn't be without him (awwww young love) so he got a job and we got a flat together near my uni. We were together 5 years and I have no regrets amd we remain friends 20-odd years on. He was always made welcome in my family home and that included being allowed to share a bed with me.
Thing is, my kids have also seen me develop a new relationship with my now fiance and I have tried to lead by example lead it were. So we were together for some time as friends before we became lovers. He would take me out on dates but go home at the end of the evening etc... When we did decide to start sharing a room overnight we had been dating for quite some time and although I was worried how my kids were going to be with it, it was kind of just the natural progression of our relationship.
I do totally understand that other people have different rules though. My kids first met my ex's new gf when my youngest walked in one morning to find a strange lady naked in bed with daddy! They'd never met her before so I think it was a bit of a shock.
Up to him entirely, but I absolutely know what he'd have said had I done that!!!!!
So it may well be that ex and I have different opinions on what is and isn't reasonable when the time comes.

Pashal2 · 06/02/2019 03:56

Kindlyplay, now you do realize. Glad to help. Be well

WanderingTrolley1 · 06/02/2019 04:56

Yabu.

kindlyplay · 06/02/2019 08:00

Kindlyplay, now you do realize. Glad to help. Be well

@Pashal2 I genuinely have no idea what you are talking about? Care to elaborate?

StormySunshine · 06/02/2019 16:54

Short answer - yes, YBU. It is not like she's bringing one-night stands, FPS! If they want to - they'll be having sex anyway. Being at home is much better and safer than parks, cars, toilets, etc. My DSD's first boyfriend started staying over when she was 16 and he was 17. They have their own home now and a child and our relationship has been brilliant - I trust her judgement and she trusts us that we won't judge. My DH took a bit of convincing at the time but he respects and trusts both if us too. You'll loose those if you continue to treat her like irresponsible children, OP. Good luck, though!

StormySunshine · 06/02/2019 17:06

Sorry, had to say something to Pashal2. Were you born that blinkered and stuck up, or did you have to work really hard to be soooo good at it? It's actually a bit scary, TBH

Twixflex · 07/02/2019 16:49

Not sure where all the "it's her house too" dingy comments are coming from. Did I miss where DD is on the title to the house? the loan maybe? she is paying rent? If not, then it most certainly is NOT her house too. Whoever is paying the bills, mortgage, etc gets to set the rules, period. If one doesn't like it, well, don't let the door hit you on the "arse" on the way out. Adult enough to have sex means you adult enough to move out and get your own place. And forget that "it's much harder for them these days to move out" bull, as they have been saying the exact same thing for decades.

JacquesHammer · 07/02/2019 16:55

Not sure where all the "it's her house too" dingy comments are coming from

My house is my daughter’s home.

Adult enough to have sex means you adult enough to move out and get your own place

Don’t be ridiculous. You’re legally allowed to have sex at 16. Try getting a mortgage at 16 and then come back to me....

Bryjam · 07/02/2019 16:56

twix

It's my DC's home for as long as they want or need it. My family works on a sensible and emotional level though, not a practical 'who is on the house deeds' level.

I never understand the hostility shown to older children/young adults on Mumsnet.

I do wonder what happens during some people's parenting journey to turn them from being PFB over their newborn to almost dismissive of same said child once they are older. It's just really sad.

Bryjam · 07/02/2019 16:57

Adult enough to have sex means you adult enough to move out and get your own place.

It really doesn't though. There is a lot of growing and emotional maturing that takes place, often including sex, long before someone is ready and able to have their own place.

JacquesHammer · 07/02/2019 16:58

My family works on a sensible and emotional level though, not a practical 'who is on the house deeds' level

Love this

CockleburIck · 07/02/2019 17:02

I agree Bryjam

I have 3 young adult DC. They know they are and always will be welcome here. They've moved out, but come back often and can always move back whenever. They all have keys.
Oh and they can have sex if they like, too. Because they're adults.

yikesanotherbooboo · 07/02/2019 17:08

I feel alright about Long term bfs/gfs whom I have met and know but I completely agree that I wouldn't want to hear noises!

Sparklingbrook · 08/02/2019 12:31

Loose Women have picked this up today. Hmm

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 08/02/2019 12:48

I was just coming on to warn the op that their talking about this right now on loose women.

blackteasplease · 08/02/2019 14:39

Bloody Loose Women

Anyway going to add my own anecdote. My dm didn't let any of us have partners in our room when we were first over 18 - I was an uni in term time and later my dbs were too. But when we came home and asked girl or boyfriends to visit.

Then she discovered my DB (2 years junior to me) had been sneaking his girlf into his room when they were asleep. after that it was a free for all as she realised it was no good banning it.

In fact id been doing exactly the same but never got caught!

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