Page 4 | Or just old fashioned and prudish?

Amumoftwo · 2019-02-03T10:44:16+00:00

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no. DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 11:42

Is this aimed at me

Are you rhe op? I think we are all thoroughly confused by your posts. The op states it wasn't allowed at her age. If you're the op, then yes, it was directed to you,

If you're not. Go and have a strong coffee and sober up.

sirfredfredgeorge · 03/02/2019 11:42

with all due respect, don't you remember being 19? It would be more of a worry if it didn't equal sex!

They're having sex, lots of it (probably, they might not be, purely up to them) - they don't need to sleep in the bed to have sex, and no the alternative is unlikely to be an alleyway, there are lots of safe places for most people. Sleeping in the same bed might be about the ability to cuddle a bit after, or maybe it's just the convenience of waking up in the same place, or maybe it's just because they like spending time with each other.

If your complaint is about sex, then you could certainly say "no sex please", but saying "no sleeping" is really weird, and certainly suggests you don't respect them enough to expect they'd respect your no sex request - or even at least pretend enough that you didn't know.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/02/2019 11:43

I have popped in to visit and witnessed my DSIL (single mum) sitting in her small bungalow living room alone knowing full well her dd and bf of a few months were in her bedroom dtd, feeling awkward about even going into the hallway to get to the loo beside their room in case they thought she was prying. It is a total lack of respect putting a parent in that position.

Exactly.

No one here -hardly- seems to think of the parents.

It's all about the child getting what they want.

This is not a long term relationship.

Are her parents going to accommodate every bloke she wants to stay over until she leaves home?

JinglingHellsBells · 03/02/2019 11:44

@Bluntness100- no I am not the OP.

I also said it wasn't allowed at my age (when I was 29 in fact.)

I had no friends whose parents would allow any boyfriend to stay over in the same room.

Spare room or sofa bed was allowable.

CallMeVito · 03/02/2019 11:45

Oh come on, none of my kids is in a rush to leave the house because of our rules, and they enjoy their freedom a lot more when they have their own home.

It's part of the fun to sneak out for sex at 19! At that age, surely they have finished school, hopefully all be at uni by then anyway.

At the time, they might not be happy about some of the rules, but hey, that's life, mine have been cursed with us as parents. There are worst lives in the world though!

bistrotea · 03/02/2019 11:46

I have popped in to visit and witnessed my DSIL (single mum) sitting in her small bungalow living room alone knowing full well her dd and bf of a few months were in her bedroom dtd, feeling awkward about even going into the hallway to get to the loo beside their room in case they thought she was prying. It is a total lack of respect putting a parent in that position.

Why did they do that then? We used to watch movies in my room, or we would sit with my parents and watch tv in the evenings. We never had sex when they were in the house and my then bf stayed over 5 nights a week because I lived near his work!

CallMeVito · 03/02/2019 11:47

then you could certainly say "no sex please", but saying "no sleeping" is really weird

that would be the weirdest conversation at all! And how do you even enforce that one!

bistrotea · 03/02/2019 11:47

It's part of the fun to sneak out for sex at 19!

I was way past sneaking anywhere by age 19.

iklboo · 03/02/2019 11:48

We stayed over at FIL's house a few years ago and he wanted us to sleep in separate rooms.

We'd been married 10 years and had DS who was 9.

MinecraftHolmes · 03/02/2019 11:48

If they want to be adults they can live like adults in their own place(s). I've not lived with my parents since I was 21 (was there intermittently from 17-21 while a student) because I wanted to live my own life.

diddl · 03/02/2019 11:49

Were you or your husband having sex at your parent's houses at that age, Op?

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/02/2019 11:49

She's 19! YABU.

kindlyplay · 03/02/2019 11:51

If they want to be adults they can live like adults in their own place(s)

So basically push them into living with someone that they are not ready to live with, rather than allowing them the freedom of choice?

Stormy76 · 03/02/2019 11:51

It’s a difficult one because on one hand I always want to shout ‘never under my roof’ but that is unreasonable. So I had to agree to once they are 18 they can, I wanted 21 but DH said I was BU.

BlackType · 03/02/2019 11:52

@AnyFucker and @Notwiththeseknees say it for me.

minesthecutest · 03/02/2019 11:53

I agree with op. it's your house your rules. so what if she'll be mortified. she's probably having sex but that doesn't mean you have to be comfortable with them doing it in your house.

TwoGinScentedTears · 03/02/2019 11:56

Depends if you want to see her day to day because they'll just sleep wherever they're allowed to be together won't they? And if that's not at your/her house it'll be wherever they can!

CallMeVito · 03/02/2019 11:59

Were you or your husband having sex at your parent's houses at that age, Op?

I can't answer for the OP, but in my case, I wasn't with my now husband at that age, and I wasn't having sex at my parents house then - unless they were away on holiday possibly, if I happened to be at home then.

IfNotNowThenWhy · 03/02/2019 12:00

I wouldn't let her. If they already lived together elsewhere and were visiting, then yes.
If you allow this you are allowing every guy she hooks up with to stay over.
You might regret that!

You are not really an adult until you live independently. You live with your mam and dad, you go by their rules.

Original poster

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 12:01

So it’s seem that DH and I are maybe being a bit unreasonable, we don’t have any real reason to say no other than it’s the rule we grew up with 🤔
You’re right, it’s her home too so maybe we need to rethink.
I really like the idea from FromDespait about singing loudly if I hear noises from the bedroom 😂
I think a good chat is needed
Thank you all for your help x

OP posts:

Jsmith99 · 03/02/2019 12:02

I’m astonished at some of theses replies. I thought we were living in the 21st century! Some parents really have forgotten that they were once young themselves.

IfNotNowThenWhy · 03/02/2019 12:02

So basically push them into living with someone that they are not ready to live with, rather than allowing them the freedom of choice?

They don't have to live elsewhere together!

And no I never EVER had sex in my parents house (with them in it).

Gronky · 03/02/2019 12:02

I take it you and your DH sleep in separate single beds with a bedside table placed between to make it clear that nothing naughty goes on under your roof which might involve them being pushed together?

Gronky · 03/02/2019 12:04

Just wanted to add, sorry for the above message, with respect to your message a minute earlier.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 03/02/2019 12:04

If you are uncomfortable with the bf staying over it’s fine to say no.

Personally, I wanted to get to know my dc’s partners so always allowed this once they were over 18 and had been together for a few months. DH and I always carried on as normal around any partners so going to the loo, showers, eating meals, conversations and watching TV all continued with any overnight visitors. If someone wants to date my DC they will be part of our family so they have to get used to us as we are. This includes our messy (but cleanish) house, me singing in the shower, cat telling us when it’s breakfast time or DH and I discussing Corrie or Emmerdale plots!