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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:
Justaboy · 03/02/2019 12:27

if I ever hear so much as a bedspring creak I'll start singing Onward Christian Soldiers at the top of my voice

Like it LOL!!/

BlimeyCalmDown · 03/02/2019 12:32

it's better than them having to do it outside and end up getting caught and reported to police!

Mamasha3 · 03/02/2019 12:33

I think YABR ,your house, your rules .If they are old enough to date and work,they can have their own place. I would let my DC to stay if they are married

kindlyplay · 03/02/2019 12:37

If they are old enough to date and work,they can have their own place.

Such a simplistic view.

KD272 · 03/02/2019 12:37

Yanbu
If they were engaged or at least had been together for a long time that might be different. If you let it happen with this boyfriend, you then can’t say no to future boyfriends, and before you know it your house just becomes a knocking shop.

FuzzyShadowChatter · 03/02/2019 12:37

As long as there isn't a younger sibling involved (as in sharing the same room), I probably would be fine with it. I mean, by that age I was married, so it would be a little weird to think they're not enough to share a bed.

If there is a younger sibling sharing the room, I would lean more towards no as that's as much their space as it is the older sibling with a partner. As much fun as teaching them FromDespairToHere's great trick sounds Grin, I wouldn't want them to feel they needed to do that in their own room. I would be more likely to give up the living room with the pull out for a night once or twice a month, maybe.

The only person I knew who kept that division was my GMIL who wouldn't let people who weren't married to share a bed in her house, even when her kids were in their 40s. It was respected in an amused 'she's old fashioned' sort of way, but I wouldn't want that in my house.

dinkydonky · 03/02/2019 12:38

I have a relative whose parents wouldn't let them share a room until they were married. It backfired many years later, when her parents had split up, and her father and his new partner came to stay with her and her husband... Grin

iklboo · 03/02/2019 12:39

If they were engaged or at least had been together for a long time that might be different. If you let it happen with this boyfriend, you then can’t say no to future boyfriends, and before you know it your house just becomes a knocking shop.

Such a lovely opinion of the OP's DD.

hatethinkingofusernames · 03/02/2019 12:40

When I first stayed at my now husbands house I was 19 and he was 24, we weren't allowed to sleep in the same room. We'd been together about a year. When we moved in together we were allowed to share. They're quite old fashioned but I do think it was because of my age as well. We're 27 and 32 now.

hatethinkingofusernames · 03/02/2019 12:40

Husbands parents*

WhatIsTheMeaningOfThis · 03/02/2019 12:45

If you let it happen with this boyfriend, you then can’t say no to future boyfriends, and before you know it your house just becomes a knocking shop.

FFS!

Jaxhog · 03/02/2019 12:46

Your house so your rules

ReflectentMonatomism · 03/02/2019 12:47

Quite, Whatis. I find the ease with which people slip into the language of prostitution with regard to their own children’s consensual relationships appalling.

MashedSpud · 03/02/2019 12:49

My daughter was in her early twenties when she wanted her now husband to stay over. They were both very respectful as I’m sure your daughter and her boyfriend will be as they would be mortified if you heard them.
It’s a weird feeling though, almost a sadness that your little girl has become a woman. Talk to her and maybe set some ground rules if you do allow him to stay over.

kindlyplay · 03/02/2019 12:51

Your house so your rules

So we keep being told. However the question was about whether the rules were reasonable so 'Your house so your rules' isn't much help.

JulietAconite · 03/02/2019 12:52

In those circumstances- her age/ he seems decent/ been together a while- I probably would. My concern, in my circumstances, is my much younger children. It's still a family home - and I wouldn't want the older ones thinking they could just bring home anyone casually, like a student house.

WoollyMummoth · 03/02/2019 12:57

We are living in the 21st century aren’t we? Just checking, as there seems to be a lot of offended sensibilities that’s your kids in their late teens are having sex within the same building as you. I can not see the problem in letting BFs or GFs stay over, and yes not just to sleep. So what if your parents never let you do it. Sex is a perfectly normal, exciting and silly thing to discover and I certainly don’t spend my time contorted in anxiety every time my kids take their BFs/GFs to their rooms.

Rel0cati0n19 · 03/02/2019 13:01

My parents never allowed people to stay over, ever. I moved out in my early 20s. Some of my friends enjoy households where friends and family stay over frequently.
My friends houses have a completely different atmosphere.

Lycanthropology · 03/02/2019 13:01

This “Your house, your rules” argument is so lazy and meaningless. In fact it’s not an argument at all.
Yes, it’s OPs house so she gets to decide (no one’s disputing that) but that doesn’t mean that what she does decide is actually reasonable - which is what the question is here.

If you know that your adult DD and her boyfriend are already having sex (believe me, they are) then why would you object? I could understand if you’re religious or something, but you’ve not mentioned that.
I’m really not clear what the OP, or other posters who would take the same stance, actually have a problem with. I don’t get this “not under my roof” thing. They’re not sacrificing goats or conducting satanic rituals, they’re just (possibly) having sex, a normal adult activity.

Jsmith99 · 03/02/2019 13:02

Thanks @Woolly

Glad I’m not the only one who thought MN had suddenly been transported back to 1959!

Lycanthropology · 03/02/2019 13:02

Cross posted with kindlyplay about the your house your rules thing! 🙂

Racecardriver · 03/02/2019 13:03

YABU. It’s her house too. It’s not like she is causing a nuisance bringing a strange man gone every night. This is her boyfriend whom you say you like. One night here or there is a perfectly reasonable request.

Katxie · 03/02/2019 13:05

YABU, she's a 19 year old woman, not a child!

gottagetbetter7 · 03/02/2019 13:06

Totally agree @WoollyMummoth. But at least OP is now taking a much more sensible approach.

SoupDragon · 03/02/2019 13:07

we don’t have any real reason to say no other than it’s the rule we grew up with

I think this is key. There really is no good reason he shouldn't be allowed to stay over.