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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/02/2019 11:32

My dd is 19. Her bf stays over. I have no problems with it all. I can't really stop her. Shes an adult and helps pay the bills ect, so Its her home.
If its the fact that She's having sex that you can't handle. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but If you don't allow of under your roof. I guarantee they'll find somewhere else.

CallMeVito · 03/02/2019 11:32

Why this weird obsession that sleeping in the same bedroom equals sex?

with all due respect, don't you remember being 19? It would be more of a worry if it didn't equal sex! Grin

trancepants · 03/02/2019 11:32

Seeing as how she's asked for him to stay over, the odds are she's having sex anyway. Why would you rather it happens in an alley way, a car, a park, etc than in her home? You can set boundaries about noise and behaviour when he stays over, you don't have to put up with them doing what they want without consideration. Especially if you have younger children. But for the most part parents are a hell of a lot more copped on these days than our parents were. I know all of the places I had sex with boyfriends* because I couldn't do it at home and I'd honestly, far rather when my child is a young adult allow home as a safe option.

*Not always crazily outlandish, for example I had an ex who was a barman and often he'd finish a shift at 2 or 3am and we'd drive to the coast where his family mobile home was. A safe comfy place to be together once we got there but I'd far rather my kid comes home than does a 90 minute drive on rural roads in the middle of the night after a long shift at work.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/02/2019 11:33

In the old days, young people got married so they could have sex away from parental ears and eyes.

Or they found other ways.

I am not saying that is how we should be now BUT I think the pendulum has swung too far the other way, where people think that the children can do what they want, in the family home, even if their parents feel uncomfortable with it.

It's actually a very deep rooted emotion not to want to hear or think of your child having sex- connected with incest. Just like children don't want to hear their own parents having sex.

To dismiss these feelings as being old fashioned is missing the real emotions behind someone feeling uncomfortable.

LagunaBubbles · 03/02/2019 11:33

The predictable "your house, your rules" posts. She's 19. She wants her boyfriend to stay over. Normal. She's not asking you to watch them have sex for goodness sake. My eldest DSs girlfriend regularly stayed over before they bought a house together last year. That's normal in my world, I'm close to them both. I wouldn't have wanted to cause any resentments over something that is no big deal, it was his home and when he did move out it was a celebration of the next stage of his life not an occasion full of resentments.

bistrotea · 03/02/2019 11:34

I think the pendulum has swung too far the other way, where people think that the children can do what they want, in the family home, even if their parents feel uncomfortable with it.

Adults. They are adults. Not children.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/02/2019 11:35

To all the posters who say would the OP rather her child had sex elsewhere, can i ask what you though those of us who are maybe a bit older, (and whose parents certainly would not allow these stay-overs) did?

We managed.

Parents go out.

Parents go on holiday.

Young people go on holiday.

You can have sex without flaunting it in your parents home and without having it away in an alley.

brizzledrizzle · 03/02/2019 11:35

It's her home and she should be able to. I don't buy into the 'my house, my rules' thing - it's my children's home as well. My DD and her boyfriend have their own bedroom here; I bought a double bed for them - they have been together for nearly four years now.

bistrotea · 03/02/2019 11:36

It's actually a very deep rooted emotion not to want to hear or think of your child having sex- connected with incest. Just like children don't want to hear their own parents having sex.

Is it? Incest?

Ok.

Having a partner stay over does not mean you are going to be having screaming orgasms all night!

ReflectentMonatomism · 03/02/2019 11:36

The practical consequence of my parents and my partner’s parents being arses about sharing a bed in the mid 1980s was that when we bought a house a few years later we didn’t bother going to our respective parents, because they are perfectly entitled to set the rules and we are perfectly entitled to not accept them. They whinged about our not visiting, too, and in the end their absolute rule that unmarried couples couldn’t share a bed turned out to be conveniently flexible when the choice was being on their own for Christmas.

MeetJoeTurquoise · 03/02/2019 11:36

I let my DD's long term boyfriend stay over in her room when she's home. She's an adult and I'd rather they were safe in our house.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/02/2019 11:36

Some interesting responses on this thread. I kind of thought attitudes would have moved on. Particularly given how hard it is for younger people to get on the property ladder so tend to stay with parents for far longer than I ever did.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 11:36

Personally I have allowed this, as my opinion is they spend the night together elsewhere, so it's a bit silly to say not under my roof.

They are adults in a relationship. And you should respect that. They are not children.

And I'm unsure of the point your parents didn't allow it. Seriously. Do you do everything like your parents did and not able to make decisions for yourself?

However on saying that, it is your house, although her home, and you can behave any way you wish,

JinglingHellsBells · 03/02/2019 11:37

bistrotea the age at which you are an adult in law has no bearing on how you behave in the family home.

If they are adults, why don't they find their own home to live in?

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 03/02/2019 11:37

Yes I think you’re being ridiculous, and hugely unreasonable.

I cannot relate to this kind of prudishness at all.

Either sex is something shameful, ‘wicked’ and unsavoury, in which case how exactly did you manage to create your child? Did you, gasp, engage in sexual relations??

Or, within a loving and respectful relationship, it’s a very meaningful emotional act and a perfectly normal physical act. If it’s the latter then why on earth would it be a problem?

SusanneLinder · 03/02/2019 11:37

FromDespair...Grin
Dd is almost 21. Her bf is 22. We allow him to stay over. She is in long term relationship so I don't mind. I would have an issue with her picking up some randomer and asking for him to stay. Luckily she isn't like that.

Birdsgottafly · 03/02/2019 11:38

I allowed my Eldest to have BF stay and mates of the opposite sex. What she did was her business.

I considered the house to be all of our home.

Having sex and having partners is a part of life.

I don't see the difference between either Parent having a Partner who wasn't the child's other biological Parent.

Renarde1975 · 03/02/2019 11:38

I wasn't allowed either. I think that was only rescinded when we got engaged but it was a long time ago and my memory is blurry there. By the time I got engaged, I had my own place with Ex-H anyway.

It is a form of control I think as she is an adult. I'd far rather know that my DD was safe and taking precautions if she wasn't trying for a baby. It's just sex. Worse things happen at sea. Grin

CallMeVito · 03/02/2019 11:38

We managed

absolutely! And still have to these days a very close relationship with our parents too. And a very healthy sexual life too despite the kids in the house, but we also manage around them. It goes both ways- Grin

Fairylea · 03/02/2019 11:38

I wouldn’t be happy about it to be honest - my dd is 16 and she is a young 16, no boyfriends yet etc so maybe I might change my mind. I don’t know. I do have a younger, disabled child at home who has sleep issues though so hopefully this will mean dd won’t want to have boyfriends sleeping over anyway!

If I ever heard her having sex I think I would be scarred for life. ShockShock

Old fashioned maybe but I just couldn’t cope with that at all.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/02/2019 11:39

And I'm unsure of the point your parents didn't allow it. Seriously. Do you do everything like your parents did and not able to make decisions for yourself?

Is this aimed at me?

I can assure you it was true.

Don't be so insulting as to say can't I make my own 'rules'.

I made the point that things have moved on so much that younger generations have no idea of how it used to be not that many years ago,.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 11:39

If they are adults, why don't they find their own home to live in

Are you drunk? They are not moving in, it's a visit. And there is no reason to believe they will have sex, seriously, did you have to go there?

BrokenWing · 03/02/2019 11:40

ds is only 14, but when the time comes he will not be having anyone in his room overnight, appearing at breakfast, bumping into them in the hallway or coming out the bathroom unless dh and I know them well enough (they have socialised with us/maybe had a meal together at home etc) and they are in a LTR. We wouldn't have adults staying over unless we know them, the same will go for ds's "friends".

I have popped in to visit and witnessed my DSIL (single mum) sitting in her small bungalow living room alone knowing full well her dd and bf of a few months were in her bedroom dtd, feeling awkward about even going into the hallway to get to the loo beside their room in case they thought she was prying. It is a total lack of respect putting a parent in that position.

I have no desire to be aware of his sexual encounters and he can have his casual or short term bunk ups outside the home, the same as I did at that age.

For me it depends on when you are comfortable with how long your dd has been seeing him and how well you know him. I know she is an adult and it is her home too, but you aren't a housemate and it is understandable as a parent to feel awkward.

Birdsgottafly · 03/02/2019 11:40

"If they are adults, why don't they find their own home to live in?"

I don't understand pushing your Child out of your home, because they've become sexually active.

I wanted my children to have the best start off they could, which included living with me until having their own place would mean great financial hardship etc.

PinguDance · 03/02/2019 11:42

Of course you can do this but you may find upshot is that your daughter chooses to spend time away from you, possibly with her boyfriends parents.🤷🏻‍♀️

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