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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 03/02/2019 11:10

Things have moved on so yes I kind of think you are being unreasonable - its much harder nowadays for children to move out and in effect you are preventing her having a proper adult relationship

She waited until they have been together awhile and you knew and liked him before asking and you still said no - because what you were not allowed. She did respect you enough to wait until a point she felt you should be comfortable

Coronapop · 03/02/2019 11:10

If they are sleeping together elsewhere I don't understand the problem. It seems a bit pointless to make them sleep apart.

NannyRed · 03/02/2019 11:12

Way to go mom! I do presume your ambition is to get them to rush into living together to ‘prove’ their love and commitment to each other.

You do realise they are already having sex?

Would you have issues with them going away together or stopping over at his house?

Why do you feel your adult daughter needs to get the green flag from you?

Yabvu and prudish. Just how much sex do you think she will have with her prudish parents listening next door? She was asking to be treated as an adult, you treated her as a child.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2019 11:12

My two are grown up and we have never allowed bf's to stay over when we are there. I know it has happened when we are away but what I don't see...

It's not logical, but I don't care. My eldest is buying a house with her bf this year and somehow that seems to change things. Then the rules will be relaxed.

bistrotea · 03/02/2019 11:12

I love all the "It's her home" replies. Course it is, but that doesn't give her free rein to do as she likes.

You are right, it doesn't. But in the normal family set up where by aged 19 rules and respect are firmly set, having someone stay over is hardly taking 'free rein'

Isitmybathtimeyet · 03/02/2019 11:12

What age will you feel able to let her have a partner stay over? She's your little girl but she's now an adult in a legal and (by the sounds of it) sensible relationship. Common courtesy would demand that she keeps any activity quiet, as my husband and I would do if we decided to have a hot date night staying with anyone else, so if she is willing to do that, I think you need to get your head round the fact that she's not a child any more.

I know someone whose parents won't let their married children share a room with their spouses when visiting. He has serious issues.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/02/2019 11:14

I think you are b.u unless she is not allowed any friends to sleepover. She is 19 in a relationship, you must know she is sleeping with her partner why pretend she isn't or say its ok to do it elsewhere but not here.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 03/02/2019 11:14

I wasn’t allowed ANY male in my room at any time when I lived With my parents. I did move out at 18 to be with then fiancé (now DH of a very long time). Our DD has never yet (to ourknowledge) had a boyfriend or girlfriend but she is now nearly 21 and lives away at uni most of the time. I do believe sex should only be in a long term monogamous relationship (yes, old fashioned) so I would hope DD has the same attitude but she is an adult and this is her home so would just expect her to be mindful of us and DS with what she does in her own room.

sirfredfredgeorge · 03/02/2019 11:15

I love all the "It's her home" replies. Course it is, but that doesn't give her free rein to do as she likes.

No it doesn't, but it's unreasonable to disallow anyone from doing reasonable things that don't impact the other people in the household much. Filling the house with goats impacts everyone, having someone asleep in your bedroom impacts no-one, and even them being there in the morning and night impacts them very minimally, perhaps a wait for the bathroom...

Isitmybathtimeyet · 03/02/2019 11:16

Also rather staggered that allowing your children's partners to join you for a day time meal at any age is seen as a concession!

GB54 · 03/02/2019 11:19

YABU! I’d been living on my own for a year when I was 19, it sounds way too strict to me.

TheBigBangRocks · 03/02/2019 11:19

My stance wouldn't have anything to do with age but the relationship is quite new. Whilst an adult and she can choose to run her sex life any way she pleases I don't want to encourage it. If they have been together for a couple of years I'd have no issue with staying over. Like buggeroff, I think sex should be in long term relationships too. Old fashioned maybe but my choice.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/02/2019 11:23

My parents did not allow me and DH when we were engaged and weeks away from our wedding, to share a bed at their home.

I think this is up to you.

A child who is still at home and under the care of her family cannot impose her sex life on her parents if they find it uncomfortable.

Where has this idea come from that kids always get what they want just because they are legally an adult?

Quoting the 'age of consent' is ridiculous. That's a law to protect women (and men) from non consensual sex.
It is not meant to take the place of parental wishes when the 'child' is living at home.

I get so tired of this on Mumnet' She/ he is an adult'.

FFS- the 'adult' is a legal term for when they can vote amongst other things.

Emotional maturity does not have a timescale.

It's been shown by recent research anyway that adolescence lasts till 25.

It's about what YOU want OP.

Your home

Your feelings

Your emotions.

If she doesn't respect your feelings, she can move out or at least manage her sex life elsewhere.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/02/2019 11:25

My parents did not allow me and DH when we were engaged and weeks away from our wedding, to share a bed at their home. [when we visited them]

Oh and we were both nearly 30.

It was laughable.

But it was their home so we toed the line.

As any child would do if they respected their parents.

sirfredfredgeorge · 03/02/2019 11:25

The DD didn't ask to impose her sex life on anyone, she asked to have her friend sleep over, it wasn't "mum, can I shag Bob on the kitchen table".

Why this weird obsession that sleeping in the same bedroom equals sex? That's much more likely to be happening somewhere or at some time, where they can be a lot noisier. Such as the kitchen table when everyone else is out in the middle of the day.

feliciabirthgiver · 03/02/2019 11:26

I am just going to answer your question, no you are no BU it's your choice to make.

Yes you are old fashioned and prudish though.

sirfredfredgeorge · 03/02/2019 11:26

As any child would do if they respected their parents

But any parents who respected their children and their partner would not create such rules.

ReflectentMonatomism · 03/02/2019 11:27

Fun fact: my first posting to Usenet in 1984, 35 years ago, was on this very topic.

QuitMoaning · 03/02/2019 11:27

She is going to be having sex.
If she can’t be at your house, where she is safe and comfortable (and let’s face it, no man is going to pressure her when her family is in the next room), then she might do it in a car, or alleyway.

Is that what you want?

JinglingHellsBells · 03/02/2019 11:27

The implication is they would have sex.

Don't be ingenuous and pretend this is not about sex.

Every post here and the OP's are about it being around sex.

I think sex at that age ought to be away from parental ears.

I also think it should ideally be within a long term relationship.

How are her parents going to feel if every few weeks she brings home a new boyfriend and wants to have sex with them???

JinglingHellsBells · 03/02/2019 11:29

But any parents who respected their children and their partner would not create such rules.

Really?

You mean you wouldn't.

Parents as adults have every right to set ground rules in their own homes.

Youmadorwhat · 03/02/2019 11:30

No way, your house your rules. I’m not saying it’s what I would do. But if it’s your rules then 🤷‍♀️. Why are they not getting their own place!?

CallMeVito · 03/02/2019 11:31

Absolutely not in my house.

Why not?

because it's my house and I am the one who decides the rules in it. I am more than happy if my kids have relationships, they just don't need to have sleepovers here. I bloody hope a 19 year had sex by that age! but it doesn't mean I have to make the relationship official by welcoming the partner to stay over.

Practically, because it is easier.
Why would one be allowed to have a girlfriend/boyfriend staying over and not the other? Why would one relationship be serious at 3 months, but not at 2? Why would one relationship be more serious at 8 months, but with various girlfriends at the same time on the side, and not the other because it's been going on for less time.
I am not going into deciding what is serious or not. It's a no, full stop.

It's also easier because there's a big gap between my eldest and my youngest kids.

I honestly couldn't care less if people see it as old fashion or prudish. .

AnyFucker · 03/02/2019 11:31

Saying no would push her into having sex in alley ways ?

What ridiculous emotional blackmail that is

Sparkletastic · 03/02/2019 11:31

I'm uncomfortable about parents who are uncomfortable about their adult children having a sex life.

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