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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 12:04

I really don't know why people think them staying over is aboutntnem having sex.

In many houses the wallls are thin, and rooms close together. Many people would rather eat their own liver than be shagging in close proximity to their parents.

This is about respecting the fact they are in a relationship and are both adults. Deciding they can't sleep in the same bed, in case they have sex, is just fucking odd.

MinecraftHolmes · 03/02/2019 12:05

So basically push them into living with someone that they are not ready to live with, rather than allowing them the freedom of choice?

No. Place(s). Optional plural.

IHaveBrilloHair · 03/02/2019 12:05

I allowed my Dd from 16, it doesn't bother me at all.

choli · 03/02/2019 12:07

At 23 I'd expect them to be having sex in his place, not mine.

IfNotNowThenWhy · 03/02/2019 12:11

she might do it in a car in an alleyway
Or an unsafe bedsit
😂
Classic.

DorothyZbornak · 03/02/2019 12:11

YABU. My mother had the same attitude towards my boyfriend (of a couple of years) when I was 20.
I was working part-time while in college and expected to contribute financially towards the household. I had no problem with this, but I did have a problem with the fact that although I contributed towards the house, I, as an adult wasn't allowed to do anything in it.
My mother's attitude was "While you're under my roof you'll live by my rules"

I moved out at 21 and never went back.

ReflectentMonatomism · 03/02/2019 12:11

At 23 I'd expect them to be having sex in his place, not mine.

So the MN advice is “encourage your 19 year olds to have relationships with older men who have their own place, because that’s preferable to having them in your house?” Hmm

CallMeVito · 03/02/2019 12:12

This is about respecting the fact they are in a relationship and are both adults

19 is far too young for a serious relationship, it's the best age to have fun and enjoy your youth. If they do want to settle so early, you can't stop them, but it would be a bloody shame and I would do nothing to encourage that. I wouldn't stop them either, but letting the boyfriend or girlfriend stay over is a step too far.

It's funny how posters are quick to jump on parents who say no, but no one is reversing by questioning the parenting of those who would say yes. It's a personal choice, no one is going to convince anyone else they are too strict!

kindlyplay · 03/02/2019 12:13

No. Place(s). Optional plural.

But realistically most 19y's would have to share to make it affordable.

JasperKarat · 03/02/2019 12:14

She waited until they have been together awhile and you knew and liked him before asking and you still said no. She did respect you enough to wait
This
She's not trying to bring home a string of randoms. This is someone she likes enough to bring home to meet her parents, that's quite a step in a young relationship, and just because he stays doesn't mean they will have sex. We don't have sex when we stay with my parents or PILs, no one wants that breakfast awkwardness. They may well have sex in the house during the day out evening when everyone is out, might've already OP. She's 19 a young woman not a child.
All the they should get their own place comments are laughable, sure I bet they've both got plenty of money to move out, see the threads about people in their 30s unable to get on the property ladder and is that what you really want OP to push her to move out as possibly move in with him too quickly because you don't respect her choice in partner? It is your house however she respected you enough to ask, but go ahead enforce your rules if that's what's important to you in this situation

JinglingHellsBells · 03/02/2019 12:15

Those of you who say 'she is an adult.. respect her etc etc'

How does this apply to anything else she might want to do in the family home?

Noisy parties?

Drunken friends round?

Coming home at 3am and waking parents up?

Is all of this okay too?

It would seem to be- following the logic that she is an adult.
In fact, being an adult seems to be licence for doing what you want ,when you want , with whom you want, regardless of whether it upsets anyone else in the house.

Sleepyblueocean · 03/02/2019 12:15

I would have no objection from a prudish point of view but I'm keen on others staying over in the house so wouldn't be too keen on boyfriends staying over in the house from that viewpoint. It would be different if they were living together elsewhere as an established couple and staying overnight.

I would consider compromising with an agreed in an advance one or two nights per week but I wouldn't want to get into the situation of a boyfriend living there half the time

kindlyplay · 03/02/2019 12:16

You live with your mam and dad, you go by their rules.

I don't disagree with the sentiment, but the rules have to be flexible as they grow. I don't apply the same rules to my 8yo as I do my 17yo. By 19 again there would be a natural shift in 'rules'.

It's age appropriate to want to spend the night with a partner at 19z

Yabbers · 03/02/2019 12:16

She was asking to be treated as an adult, you treated her as a child.
My parents did the same to me in my early twenties. I never once thought it was treating me as a child. They had a set of values which I respected as I was living in their home. I’m always amazed when the values of the younger generation must automatically take precedence over those of the older generation. Sure there are some outdated opinions which need to be challenged, but nobody is going to be hurt or offended by this and for me, a relationship of months isn’t very long. Whether they are having sex somewhere else or not is irrelevant, the parents are quite within their rights to set these rules.

So it’s seem that DH and I are maybe being a bit unreasonable, we don’t have any real reason to say no other than it’s the rule we grew up with
It’s about whether it’s a rule you agree with or not. There are quite a few rules I have instinctively imposed on DD and then thought “hang on, why is that a rule?” so I changed it. If you have no practical or moral reason for saying no, then consider changing it. But if you don’t want it to happen, don’t let anyone here tell you it’s not right for you to impose rules on your adult daughter in your own home. Of course you can.

You wouldn’t let her decorate the living room bright pink, or have wild parties into the night just because “it’s her home too”

kindlyplay · 03/02/2019 12:17

Those of you who say 'she is an adult.. respect her etc etc'

How does this apply to anything else she might want to do in the family home?
*
Noisy parties?

Drunken friends round?

Coming home at 3am and waking parents up?
*
Is all of this okay too?

Not really. But most of that is disrespectful. Sharing a bed with your partner, when you are both adults, in the home in which you live, is not disrespectful.

AmIOTTconcerned · 03/02/2019 12:18

YABU. If they want to have sex then they will, it doesn't have to be at night time. I say this from being in a similar situation to your DD.

And sharing a bed isn't just because they want to get frisky. It's just nice to share a bed with your bf isnt it? Why stop her from having snuggles and late night chats with her boyfriend.

Sarahandduck18 · 03/02/2019 12:20

If she pays rent yabu

If she doesn’t YANBU

lidoshuffle · 03/02/2019 12:20

It's not the having sex (they will be doing that wherever), it's the extra 33%(?) of people sharing the bathroom, flopping in the sitting room and my not feeling comfortable lounging round in my pjs etc in my own house that I wouldn't' like.

An odd overnighter becomes every weekend, becomes a permanent resident...

IfNotNowThenWhy · 03/02/2019 12:21

I get why the divide now. I know people like this :big suburban house, 3 cars on the drive, kids live there until they buy a house because the parents think renting is throwing money down the drain.
I don't see it like that really. I struck out on my own at 18 or so and so did all my friends. It's just a different life experience.
Also, my house is tiny, there would be no way several "adults" would be comfortable in it!

WhatIsTheMeaningOfThis · 03/02/2019 12:21

My son is 20. At 19, he had a serious gf of 20. She regularly stopped overnight and she slept in his room/bed.

They were both very respectful and I agree that it's age appropriate.

He's my son, my baby, but he's also an adult and, as long as he behaves like one, he will be treated like one.

Those of you who say 'she is an adult.. respect her etc etc'

How does this apply to anything else she might want to do in the family home?

Noisy parties?

Drunken friends round?

Coming home at 3am and waking parents up?

Is all of this okay too?

Well, no. But none of them are comparable either! All of the above would impact negatively upon me, his sister, the neighbours... I have no intention of policing his sex life and it has no impact on me or anyone else.

Drogosnextwife · 03/02/2019 12:21

I would never have been allowed that either OP, funny because my brother was Hmm

Yulebealrite · 03/02/2019 12:22

It's not always about sex. I wouldn't have wanted to whilst my parents were within earshot but I did want to spend the time with my bf. Just not being apart really.

AbsentmindedWoman · 03/02/2019 12:22

It's disingenuous to pretend that 19 year olds now have the same choices when it comes to moving out compared to 15 years ago.

House shares are expensive in London and the south. A 19 year old earns buttons. Not even full minimum wage.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/02/2019 12:24

Sharing a bed with your partner, when you are both adults, in the home in which you live, is not disrespectful.

He is NOT a partner. They have dated to a few months and she is just 19.

I do not think a boyfriend of a few months is a partner.

A partner to me, is someone with home you share finances, live with, is equal to a husband or wife, but without the legal tie of marriage.

Even my adult DCs who had long term boyfriends and girlfriends would not and did not call them 'partners' because they were not living together or sharing finances.

OP how does this work from his side?
Are the allowed to stay over at his parents?
Does he live at home?

Stillme1 · 03/02/2019 12:24

I would be wary when asked by DC if B/Gf could stay over even if they were over the age of consent.
My DC was 19 and pregnant so clearly sex was taking place. My DC was an adult and working but not contributing financially or by effort to the benefit if the household, pregnant with an unemployed partner so not really a responsible adult!
I was fine for her and baby to stay as long as they wanted. I did not want the DP staying over as it would be the thin edge of the wedge. I would soon find that the DP was there permanently and no contribution to the household.
They got their own house. They are no longer together so that is maybe food for thought.
I would never even have dared to ask DPs or DPILs if DH could stay over before or after marriage.