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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

594 replies

Seline · 02/02/2019 23:05

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 02/02/2019 23:06

You what? Talk about an ironic post.

funinthesun19 · 02/02/2019 23:14

You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet

I find extroverts quite needy and exhausting and they are just a few examples of why.

beautifullyvoid · 02/02/2019 23:17

I love you

wishingforalotterywin · 02/02/2019 23:17

It's like night owls understand that others are morning people but morning people don't understand night owls

bridgetreilly · 02/02/2019 23:20

It's because the world is organised to suit extroverts.

AlwaysSunnyInLiverpool · 02/02/2019 23:20

At a guess based on the strong extroverts I know... They mostly are so unaware, that's why. They're so used to chasing company and stimulation they're often a bit in a bubble. ("I like this thing so everyone else will too" without any real pause for introspection)

UKCA · 02/02/2019 23:21

Some people simply lack empathy. If you explain what your boundaries are and these people ignore it, it's their stuff to deal with.

I have both traits, I tend towards introvert preferences as I age.

BoglingToAswad · 02/02/2019 23:22

I think with these examples you are talking about people at the extreme ends of the introvert/extrovert spectrum. Most introverts don't dislike social interaction, they just need less of it and more time alone, and most extroverts are not brash, insensitive loudmouths.

If you are surrounded by people who interact differently from you though, it can be exhausting, and I do understand the frustration when people refuse to understand that not everyone wants to live the way they do.

Auntiepatricia I don't think your post was very helpful.

TooDamnSarky · 02/02/2019 23:22

Interesting post.
I had a lightbulb moment on a leadership course once when I realised some of my (extrovert) actions that were making an (introvert) junior staff member miserable.
It had honestly never occurred to me how difficult she found my social-collaborative way of working.

Original poster
Seline · 02/02/2019 23:23

They're so used to chasing company and stimulation they're often a bit in a bubble. ("I like this thing so everyone else will too" without any real pause for introspection)

This seems right. But even when you spell it out they still don't get it.

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TooDamnSarky · 02/02/2019 23:23

And I think that in the workplace part of the problem is that extroverts are hugely overrepresented in management. So they set the tone for what is considered normal.

Jamhandprints · 02/02/2019 23:24

Lol! Because extroverts talk about how they feel, their thoughts and what they need and introverts don't!

GloomyMonday · 02/02/2019 23:26

I think I know what you mean. I have friends who insist that I must want company if DP is away, expect me to get excited about BigNight Out plans, are insistent that I 'need to get out more' - as if I am sad or lonely, or just need a bit of encouragement to enjoy the thrill of an unannounced visit.

It doesn't matter how many times I explain that I enjoy my own company much of the time, they see it as their personal duty to show me what I'm missing. Like I'll suddenly see the light and begin enjoying parties, if I'd only try harder, or try this thing or that thing.

I love my friends most of the time, but it's wearing having to explain yourself over and over again, or worrying that you've inadvertently offended someone by turning down an invitation, going home early etc.

Unfortunately for us, in today's western society at least, it is the extrovert who is valued most. Charisma, confidence, personality all highly prized in employees and friendships.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/02/2019 23:26

Because it comes naturally to them. But more importantly I think they don't get how exhausted and daunting a "I'll just pop over for 5 minutes ", "just a drink" etc can be when you're already "peopled out".
I've had people tell me THEY don't like that I'm on my own at lunch. I NEED that time to recharge,mostly I need the peace and quiet. I'm not even particularly introverted.Hmm

BoglingToAswad · 02/02/2019 23:26

It had honestly never occurred to me how difficult she found my social-collaborative way of working.

Why do you think it didn't occur to you?

Original poster
Seline · 02/02/2019 23:27

I myself am a very strong introvert. I enjoy occasional socialising but I'm happier being either by myself or with a small group of close relatives or friends. I absolutely hate small talk, and very quickly become exhausted by too much socialising. It's made worse with noise and excessive stimulation.

I get all sorts of ridiculous comments about how "I'm not shy" (I know I'm not, I'm an introvert.) and so they can't understand my need for alone time.

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Jenwiththecurls · 02/02/2019 23:28

I think it’s because things extroverts enjoy are generally considered by society as good (e.g. parties) whereas activities introverts enjoy are considered bad (e.g. staying home alone watching TV or reading).

Schools and workplaces are built around extroverts - it has always bugged me. It means there are lots of unappreciated introverts and lots of incompetent extroverts (e.g. Boris Johnson)

Ribbonsonabox · 02/02/2019 23:28

The worst is when extroverts arrange to meet up with you but then last minute invite a bunch of other people along and assume you are okay with it. And if you Express how not okay with it you are they say 'oh but I didnt realise you had a problem with any of these people?' Or plain act like you are nuts.... like they just cannot fathom that youd have to psychologically prepare to interact with a group and a lively group just sprung on you is your literal worst nightmare even if they are people you've known for years and love.

Original poster
Seline · 02/02/2019 23:29

Lol! Because extroverts talk about how they feel, their thoughts and what they need and introverts don't!

I've explicitly said to someone "I don't want guests. I'm a very introverted person and need a day of solitude." and still been hit with "but Why?"

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GloomyMonday · 02/02/2019 23:29

"It means there are lots of unappreciated introverts and lots of incompetent extroverts."

Yes, confidence often confused for competence ime.

Original poster
Seline · 02/02/2019 23:30

Because it comes naturally to them. But more importantly I think they don't get how exhausted and daunting a "I'll just pop over for 5 minutes ", "just a drink" etc can be when you're already "peopled out".

Yes. They never seem to understand.

The worst is when extroverts arrange to meet up with you but then last minute invite a bunch of other people along and assume you are okay with it.

Hate this vehemently.

OP posts:
UKCA · 02/02/2019 23:31

It doesn't matter how many times I explain that I enjoy my own company much of the time, they see it as their personal duty to show me what I'm missing. Like I'll suddenly see the light and begin enjoying parties, if I'd only try harder, or try this thing or that thing.

I think I ended up having both traits due to low grade bullying from family and friends. I felt so ashamed I pushed myself to be their 'normal'. It took a long time to stop resenting them and myself for robbing me of a life that would have made me more content.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/02/2019 23:34

It's like night owls understand that others are morning people but morning people don't understand night owls

Don't get me started on morning people.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 02/02/2019 23:36

I'm an extroverted introvert.

Can you imagine how shocked and horrified I feel when to combat my introverted half, I exhibit behaviours particularly related to my manner of speaking etc which make me look like an extrovert. I think it's partly an ADHD thing but it makes me wish the ground would open up, and I really avoid people for fear of it happening.

I've got very introverted friends who don't seem to understand extroverts but they don't seem as persistent about it as extroverts do over introverts.

Original poster
Seline · 02/02/2019 23:36

I'm some horrible hybrid that neither morning people nor night owls understand. A mid morning person. Before 8am I'm a zombie. After 11pm I'm a zombie. I'm shit early morning and late at night.

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