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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

594 replies

Seline · 02/02/2019 23:05

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

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YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/02/2019 23:55

Nah I'm just a grumpy,antisocial sod. Rather boring too.

BlueCornishPixie · 02/02/2019 23:56

I think it's probably more that there's a certain type of very self centred, over confident person who has very little empathy or understanding of others, these people don't understand anyone who's not like them. And I think these people are always extroverts. I don't think all extroverts don't understand introverts, I just think that there's a certain type of person who doesn't, who is an extrovert. Does that make sense?

I think as well that if grabbing a drink for 5 minutes is literally nothing to you, then it is going to be very hard to understand why that might be difficult for people.

I'm not even sure whether I'm introverted or extroverted. I think I'm a bit of both. But I can be quiet. And one thing that gets me is there is a certain type of person who thinks they need to cure me of this, normally on courses etc. I am totally fine being quiet. I like listening and learning and I have no desire to do participation games etc. I love a good old fashioned lecture. At school people would say "blue needs to answer more questions" actually I don't leave me alone. I'm learning fine sitting here listening. I really wish people could just respect the fact that I don't want to participate.

Also I have no desire to do completely inane chatter, and some people just chat shit at you for hours and it kills me a bit inside. I enjoy proper conversation, even small talk but just people droning on at you about their lives bored me to tears. People mistake this for shyness but it's not it's just boredom.

Ribbonsonabox · 02/02/2019 23:56

I guess the extremes of both would look self centred from the other side.... it's important to remember that sometimes people arent being ignorant or malicious, it just genuinely is more of a struggle for them to behave how you want them to behave

Original poster

Seline · 02/02/2019 23:56

I don't think anyone's said introverts are cool and deep.

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Original poster

Seline · 02/02/2019 23:58

I agree with all of your post but definitely this

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slappinthebass · 02/02/2019 23:59

Yes, totally agree with you. But I think introverts are more empathic. Or maybe that's not fair but one of the main reasons I find socialising exhausting as an introvert even though I'm not shy, is because I want my guests to be comfortable, in a clean house, with appropriate food and drink and entertainment to offer them etc. I feel stressed at the idea of unexpected guests because I can't meet all those requirements. My extrovert DH doesn't get this AT ALL and thinks I'm being weird/unwelcoming/rude when I stress about guests. Likewise I worry about imposing on people if we are visiting or he wants to visit people with short notice. I think he's rude, he thinks I'm rude. It's exhausting.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/02/2019 00:01

I remember going on a training where the person doing it kept insisting we "make a new friend today". He'd pick us out and ask if we talked to anyone,how did it go , did we make a friend? Forced us to interact too.. and did we make a new friend?

And ofc finished with "if you take anything at all with you today I hope it is (surprise!surprise!) a new friend!"

There was quite of bonding actually...over the new friend making wankery.

Introvertedmum · 03/02/2019 00:01

I’ve noticed this too and wondered.

One extrovert I know, who is quite thoughtful and not at all loud or obnoxious, was surmising one day how introverts would “need” an extrovert so that there would be someone to do the talking and simply couldn’t fathom that two introverted people could be perfectly content in a relationship.

I once described myself as an introvert while trying to negotiate for working conditions and the person I was speaking to was appalled that I’d put myself down like that

I think that there is a general confusion that being introverted means being painfully shy. My dd is shy but definitely an extrovert. Neither myself nor ds are particularly shy but both of us are introverts.

I think perhaps that introverts have a greater need to be heard, whereas extroverts are often quite happy to talk as a kind of background music.

punishmepunisher · 03/02/2019 00:01

I often throw myself to the floor and army crawl out of sight if someone knocks my door without an invite. Feck off and text me so I have enough notice or so I can make a bloody excuse and say I'm out.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 03/02/2019 00:02

How scary Seline glad all was well in the end, but the added stress of uninvited and unexpected visitors cant have helped.

Ribbonsonabox - I was too blindsided by it all but I wouldn't now! My family are all extroverts who can't understand anyone who doesn't was to live in each others pockets all the time. Pre-baby it was easier to dodge it all but I've had to stand my corner to rebuild and maintain mine and my DCs boundaries.

another20 · 03/02/2019 00:02

It's a thing I see on Mumsnet. People implying introverts are deep thinkers and superior beings whereas extroverts are frivolous and self-centred scrappy-dos.

Maybe thats because MNers are introverts at home alone online whilst the extroverts are out on the town...!

Original poster

Seline · 03/02/2019 00:03

DH straddles the line between extrovert and introvert. Which is lucky because it means he came preloaded with friends so I don't have to make my own, but he doesn't require lots of socialising.

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Original poster

Seline · 03/02/2019 00:04

Lmao I do this too. I once comvinced my son we were playing hide and seek and we had to be really quiet to avoid answering the door

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Rainatnight · 03/02/2019 00:06

Well, that's bollox. Introverts are always banging on about what they need, so the rest of us can't help but get it.

Shodan · 03/02/2019 00:06

Yep. Extroverts are shallow and shit and introverts are cool and interesting and deep.

See, I think on Mumsnet at least it's that extroverts are fun, loving and generous and introverts are strange, rude and unloving. Threads about poppers-in always run along those lines.

Ribbonsonabox · 03/02/2019 00:09

@Shodan yes! Theres always tonnes of comments calling people weird and uptight for not letting their family pop over whenever. Theres always threads about mums at the school gate being rude and up themselves because they arent engaging everyone in conversation and just run in and out with eyes down...

YeahCorvid · 03/02/2019 00:09

A lot of people are surprised that I am an introvert, because I love people and I am good at talking and listening. I obviously get a kick of out of socialising and entertaining and I can chair big unruly meetings at work.

But - much as I love all this - it takes it out of me. I think really hard about going out, having people over, going to meetings, anything at all involving seeing people. I don't just slob around in my PJs and expect people to be happy watching TV when they come over. I'd rather be alone on PJ evenings and have people over when I've got something to offer them.

This is why interaction is exhausting to me - not because I don't like or care about people, but because I do.

FortunesFave · 03/02/2019 00:14

I don't think introverts automatically understand extroverts. I am introverted and so is my older DD....however, my youngest DD is very extrovert and it actually took me until she was about 8 to gather that this was why I found her hard going.

Introvertedmum · 03/02/2019 00:14

I have to say that I’ve known some lovely extroverts, who are caring and considerate but who still don’t get introverts at all. I don’t think it’s about being self centered, or at least not in the selfish sense. Maybe they’re just a bit self-referential though and assume that what works for them will work for everyone?
I’m thinking of times where I’ve declined party invitations or drinks after work and been offered suggestions like “you’ll enjoy it if you try it; you need to let your hair down; don’t worry I’ll introduce you to everyone; I’ve told everyone about you”. All well meaning but completely wide of the mark.

Dd, who is so lovely and kind, smothers me with cuddles and chatter if I look tired or a bit frazzled and sings songs to me through the bathroom door. She means so well and it’s exactly what she needs from me when she’s having a rough day. But it wears me ragged.

FortunesFave · 03/02/2019 00:15

Corvid you don't sound like an introvert at all! Just like an extrovert who needs regular down time.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 03/02/2019 00:18

I do find it a bit unfathomable to not want to be around other people to be honest. I can understand not just anyone but friends / relatives at least.

And as for people being offended when you don't want to see them... Of course they are. If you are saying to a friend / relative "I don't want to see you"... What about that isn't hurtful!?

BertrandRussell · 03/02/2019 00:19

Being a self diagnosed introvert does not give you a free pass to be rude.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/02/2019 00:19

Theres always threads about mums at the school gate being rude and up themselves because they arent engaging everyone in conversation and just run in and out with eyes down...

On top of my personality, i pick DD up straight after work which means I'm there quite late(not exasperated teachers late) and in a rush. I also put DD in a few clubs to ease said rush a few days a week. All this means I barely see/talk to parents that aren't also friends.

Twatty mum sees me one day(finished early) and made this big show and dance of "hello stranger" and introducing herself (we've had kids in the same class for 4 years,did bday parties etc)ha ha ha. She thinks she's funny. I think she's a twat.

Original poster

Seline · 03/02/2019 00:20

And as for people being offended when you don't want to see them... Of course they are. If you are saying to a friend / relative "I don't want to see you"... What about that isn't hurtful!?

Because it isn't personal and is about the other person needing their own time.

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Original poster

Seline · 03/02/2019 00:21

Who's being rude Bertrand?

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