To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

cruise I'm not saying ectroveraion is wrong and annoying. I'm probably explaining it really badly. What I mean is o see far more extroverts trying to convince introverts to be sociable than I see in reverse. I've never seen an introvert tell an extrovert to shut up and read a book when they've said they're going out, yet I've had extroverts try to convince me to go out when I've respectfully declined and said I wish to stay home.

Personally yeah I do have ASD which causes certain issues but I doubt it's the cause of my preference for alone time. It's a contributing factor - I hate noise. Groups of people talking, loud music in pubs, general chatter sounds like a ruckus and I absolutely hate it so that definitely contributes to my preference. However I don't think it's the sole reason.

Some people I find easy to understand, others not so much. For me it depends how straightforward they are and how much they're likely to ascribe motivations to things that don't need extra motivations. I struggle to understand people who take a very simple "that's great but not really my thing, I'll see you another time!" as code for "Seline hates me" or something because well, if I hated them I wouldn't ask to see them another time. Although I understand that some people would perhaps do so just to be polite, so I do to some extent get it I just wish everyone would stop doing it and use words in the fashion that they were intended instead of complicating communication. Don't know if that makes sense how I've written it.

I agree with Bernard.

I have to say I prefer an out there jolly sociable person to a passive aggressive introvert, even if I'm often too lazy to socialise myself

I'm in the middle. I like people and talking. i love my big noisy family. But i also love walks, reading and time by myself. I think its a bit selfish to constantly turn down social situations, and a bit sad to be so incurious that you dont want to chat to people about their day/life/kids etc.

What I mean is o see far more extroverts trying to convince introverts to be sociable than I see in reverse.

Have to agree. It's lack of empathy. These people wouldn't try to convince a gay person to turn straight, so why do they think they can "cure" (in their mind) an introvert? It's a complete lack of acceptance that people are different.

Finding this fascinating. Bookmarking for proper read later.

There is nothing wrong with being extroverted or introverted.

However I think there is something wrong with being selfish and rude.

I.e a person not taking no for an answer when someone doesn’t want to be sociable, nagging, pestering, critisizing them.

OR

a person being downright rude and cold to others, and using introversion as an excuse.

This has been an interesting read. I’ve got a work social thing coming up which I am totally resenting and I think someone way upthread nailed it when they said it’s unpaid emotional work.

I don’t hate going out per se it’s just sometimes I’m not up for whatever it is, and wish people would take the hint. Feels like being harangued by Sam.i.am.

Kazzyhoward it is a lack of empathy to understand anyone's preference for socialising or not but I assume you're not saying that extroverts are more likely to lack empathy than introverts because from my studies of mbti that's not the case.

I've said up thread and I'll say again, it's fine to use personality testing to understand yourself better but it isn't a diagnosis (especially not as a tool to semi diagnose others) and it's especially unhelpful to ascribe inherent value to some types than others in this sense (rather than being aware of how preferences may impact job roles say).

The types don't tell the whole story. And they aren't forever fixed. And, as a theory it's currently receiving a lot of critique which is worth being aware of if you're intending to view the whole planet and your social interactions through.

Dh tends more to the extrovert side, I'm to the introvert, but neither of us is extreme.

However one case where other extroverts liked to tell me what I ought to do, was when dh planned on looking up sundry (not close) relatives abroad, some of whom he'd met briefly over the years, some he'd never met at all.

They all invited us to stay, which was extremely kind of them.

However, staying with people I don't know from Adam is my idea of introvert hell, so I told dh I wouldn't be going with him.
He was fine with it. It was others who ticked me off for being boring, miserable, unsociable, 'Go on, you'll enjoy it!' etc.

I'm not the type to tell people to fuck off, but I really felt like it!

However, since there was then only one long-haul fare to pay, dh treated himself to business class, so we were both happy. 😀

I assume you're not saying that extroverts are more likely to lack empathy than introverts

I don't know, don't care, and certainly aren't saying that. All I care about is being left alone and not bullied/coerced into doing things I don't want to do. It's the more socially minded/extroverted people who do that to me, not the introverted ones. If introverted people tried to bully and cajole me into doing things I don't want to, I'd feel the same, i.e. that they lacked empathy etc., but my experience is that they don't. That's all I'm talking from, i.e. my experience.

There are people on here who think sending a text is bullying and cajoling. Or saying “I’m sorry you can’t make that date/don’t like that idea how about this date/this idea?”

Obviously bullying and cajoling is wrong. But words need defining.

just tell them that you feel bullied because you are an introvert. Presumably they aren't telepathic.

I think a lot of posters are conflating introversion with social awkwardness/difficulties.

Introverts are people who draw energy from themselves and time alone. They may find socialising difficult, but that is not introversion.

I'm an introvert. I love being with people and meeting new people. I don't find it hard to answer an unexpected ring at the door or phone call, or discuss behaviour that I can't accept - I don't avoid 'confrontation', not that I think of it as that. But, after a while in company I need time alone to get my energy levels up again.

I find it difficult when extroverts push me to stay socialising when I need a break, or put myself in a position when I know no break will be available, but I don't mind socialising in itself.

Oh, interesting. MNHQ has given me a new username unexpectedly.

Has that happened to anyone else?

Hearttorn123

That is exactly my position.

I have every sympathy for those who struggle with social anxiety and other MH conditions, but those sit outside the normal introvert/extrovert continuum.

Oh, and some people are simply dicks.

I'd say the emotional labour argument goes the other way if anything. extroverts build communities that introverts can dip into when they want.

But, after a while in company I need time alone to get my energy levels up again.

I find it difficult when extroverts push me to stay socialising when I need a break, or put myself in a position when I know no break will be available, but I don't mind socialising in itself.

Ditto Hearttorn123, my family do this they'll either be very vague about arrangements to meet or out and out lie (to me but they all know) about what it entails which then causes resentment on both sides as I feel tricked and they end up feeling rejected when I want to leave earlier than they want me too. Nobody's wrong just different and lack of understanding each others needs.

Although I think there's more at play with my family set up than extrovert vs introvert - I'm hard pushed to go to the toilet on my own without someone saying they need to pee too and want to come into the bathroom with me and bring their primary school DC as well (they'll do this when we're out and about as well)

Other side of the coin.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Js1N-_7FLWY