To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

I'm an extrovert. Every single study they have done on me at work brings me out as 100% extrovert and I've had 3 studies done at different workplaces, different studies..
I understand introverts. I just don't warm to them.
I understand, they want their alone time. Fine. But how do you want me to relate to you? Can I speak to you? Or are you going to bristle when I say hello.
Ain't nobody got time for that!
It's not that we're too thick to understand you, it's just that we'd never get on.

I worked with someone who frequently talked about being introverted and was highly critical of extroverts.

Honestly it came across as self obsessed, and judgemental.

Everyone tried to help her fit in and feel part of the workplace but she got cross if it wasn't quite right for her introvert needs.

We just wanted the odd quick pint after work.

I agree with PP that many of the introvert posters on this thread have oversimplified extroverts and just highlighted their own lack of understanding. People are complex and very few people are completely introverted/extroverted and there are many shades of grey in between.

I think characterising extroverts as simple, unthinking, brash people that are desperate to override the desires of introverts is wrong in most cases. Extroverts just naturally get their energy from being with others so understandably will seek out social situations, this isn't wrong or insensitive towards introverts in itself as extroverts have a right to have their needs met in the same way an introvert does. I think conflict arises when either introverts set very unclear or weak boundaries with their extroverted friends/colleagues/relatives OR extroverts are insensitive to the needs of introverts and become too insistent about introverts taking part in social activities in the same way they do.

I'm not sure why the extrovert is supposed to cater to the whim of the introvert, seeing them only on their own indecipherable terms.

Why should the introvert not cater to the need of the extrovert to have a normal relationship whereby you can rely on the fact that your friends will want to spend time with you?

I am an extrovert and a morning person and (this is very bad according to Mumsnet) a loud person!

It took me a long time to understand myself so it took me a little longer to understand other people too (no one teaches you in school). But now I try very hard to be quieter, and not get annoyed when other people don’t get up in morning or moans they are tired at work all day. And also to not try and chat too much or invite people to too many socials things. But I do feel like I have to suppress my natural personality, as I worry I might upset the introverts.

But just like the introverts needs some down time to recharge after exhausting social interaction, some (not all) find it difficult to understand that for loud extroverts it’s hard to be quiet and sit back. I love alone time. But after a day I want to share some time with another human and tell them all about it. (That’s how I recharge). Luckily DH is even more full on that me so we have each other.

I was on a thread about ‘loud’ people recently. And some people just couldn’t understand why loud people could not just be quieter. (We can but it takes effort). Yet everyone seemed to grasp that the quiet people ‘ were just quiet’ and expecting them to ‘speak up’ when reputed was exhausting for them.

And nope, as much as I can plainly see evidence for night owls and morning people, I will never ever understand why, when staff know they have work at 9am, they choose to stay up until 2am and then are late for work and moan they are tired and are not functioning fully. Go to bed earlier 🙈

Or what bumpitybumpity said (exactly that 😊

In my family most of the intoverts married extroverts.

I agree the extroverts are very impatient with the introverts and often step all ,over their boundaries

Any family issues usually involved the extroverts being annoyed with, and slagging Off the introverts.

“We just wanted the odd quick pint after work.”

Why couldn’t you just accept that she didn’t?

“I'm not sure why the extrovert is supposed to cater to the whim of the introvert, seeing them only on their own indecipherable terms.

Why should the introvert not cater to the need of the extrovert to have a normal relationship whereby you can rely on the fact that your friends will want to spend time with you?”

Because it is the extrovert who is overbearing and demanding of others.

You describe the mindset well where you categorise your view of the world as the “normal” one.

Thought provoking - I think I agree with you. I am by nature an introvert but am ‘extremely good’ (so I am told) at being sociable and an extrovert. Truth is it can exhaust me and I need quiet time after any mad social whirl (which I do enjoy at the time).

I’m an introvert but I’ve noticed a lot of my friends are deep thinking extroverts. They ‘get’ my need for quiet and pondering things more deeply but they also push me to stay active (in a good way) whereas I would naturally withdraw from too much socialising.

I’m definitely better with small groups up to four people, larger than that I’ll just sit and listen and not join in.

Why should the introvert not cater to the need of the extrovert

Because any social interaction should require the consent of everyone involved? Why should introverts do this unpaid emotional work? If you don't get enough interaction from an introvert, you should feel free to find another friend, not demand that the introvert spends time with you. I mean you shouldn't dictate to anyone what they do with their time. The only people who have a claim on our time like that are our children IMO, and work, but if you're getting your work done and you're friendly and approachable then that's all that should be expected there as well.

Streetwise - because she wanted us to go and do activities e.g. crafting, theatre, playing games etc that required more activity less talking. She looked down on the pub and said we were leaving her out with our brash extroverts ways.

I'm an introvert by the way. Love time alone to recharge but also love a laugh down the pub.

It depends if you believe the world is actually divided into extroverts and introverts. I don't. A lot of the things you are describing that 'introverts' do - sitting alone at home, declining social invitations etc can sometimes be signs that somebody is lonely or depressed. Maybe others just worry about them and want to encourage them to socialise for their mental health? I say this as someone who very much enjoys alone time at home by the way.

@toomuchtooold
Because any social interaction should require the consent of everyone involved? Why should introverts do this unpaid emotional work?
I think this is very simplistic and ignores the fact that most (romantic and non-romantic) relationships require some element of compromise to function properly, especially where the people involved are fundamentally quite different. If an introvert wants a relationship with an extrovert then both parties realistically should make some concessions to the other in order to maintain a degree of balance and fairness.

For an introvert this may well look like making an effort to go out and engage more than they would ordinarily choose to do if left to their own devices. For an extrovert this may involve accepting that an introvert needs time alone and limiting the amount of requests and demands you place on their time.

I think the alternative view basically implies that any relationship between an extrovert and introvert would either be unworkable or should be completely on the terms of the introvert. This is so unhelpful when most of us realistically have lots of introvert/extrovert relationships in our lives (e.g. with relatives or colleagues) that we want to maintain.

Ladyandgent
That’s a useful comment..... not. No one said I’d bristle. No one said we couldn’t get along. But clearly you have no desire to understand me. You expect me to do all the understanding.

"Scandaloso

It's a thing I see on Mumsnet. People implying introverts are deep thinkers and superior beings whereas extroverts are frivolous and self-centred scrappy-dos."
Yep. And more and more threads on mn from introverts explaining how the world doesn't understand little old me.

No, I understand you. I just don't like you.

@bumpitybumper well I did say in my post that I acknowledge there's an obligation to be social at work, up to a point, but for the others - relationships of choice, romantic and not, are a choice! I totally understand why an introvert might accept as the price of friendship that they go along to some stuff that they wouldn't normally enjoy. It should be a choice though. Friendships can deepen naturally over time, and the pace of that is something I would expect both friends to be happy with. With in-laws, sure, you have a partner and children who may want to spend more time with them so you find yourself as a introvert having to get on with it. But it is work. And you see on there every day the results of in-laws pressing for more contact, it doesn't build bridges, you know? It is nice to be able to be genuinely pleased to see your in-laws when you do see them, you know?

My ex was an introvert I think. He loved nothing more than just the two of us together. I fucking hated it. I wanted to be out having the craic.
It didn't work.
He ended up beating me up.

We had a study done at work, and all of us who ended up like minded were charged with the sole task of organising a work day out.

Some, had events that could be catered for indoors/outdoors.
Others had military precision in terms of timing/funding.
Others made sure to provide for parents.
Us? We had champagne, cocktails, it was on a beach and hoola skirts (not my idea) Hadn't thought a single bit about the details, how we'd get there, the timing, inclusion etc. But we had one helluva party.

I had never realised the absolute stark contrast that exists between people until that day.

Interesting thread. I married an introvert so took me a while but now get it. He often won't come out so we go together.
I do find introverts tend to be more judgemental and wary of change. Which can be tiresome. And sometimes less accepting of difference perhaps bevause they are not exposed or meet so many people?

@Ploppymoodypants if introverts need solitude and quiet to recharge they are not imposing anything on others or demanding or expecting anything of others. If extroverts need noise and the company of others to listen to them, this is demanding and expecting something of other people.

I suppose this might be why extroverts can be described as needy because they need the company of others to function. If introverts only need their own company then they are not demanding or needy of others.

Not judging but I struggle being around very loud people and I probably come across as snooty because I don't want to start a conversation with them. I feel exhausted, drained and bombarded. I'm much happier in the company if 1 or 2 close friends over a coffee or quiet drink.

I could see the group leaders grinning to themselves at the time as we were absolute case studies of the different types of personalities. Shocked I was! Me thinking I was unique, but I was an absolute cliché of the group I belonged to.

Extroverts can understand introverts, and vice versa

It's not an us versus them thing

I am extroverted and confident, as is DS1. DH is introverted (and confident) as is DS2

I often go out or to parties alone, as DH hates them it makes people think we have a bad marriage, but DH is grateful he gets the space he needs

Quite a few of my friends are introverts, they prefer 121 meetups, no problem

One misunderstanding: extroverts do not necessarily love small talk with lots of people they do not know, I don't, I can do it but it is out of politeness to the host!

Soupertrooper. Extroverts generally don't seek the company of introverts. So we're not imposing on you hun.