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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

594 replies

Seline · 02/02/2019 23:05

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

OP posts:
BoglingToAswad · 02/02/2019 23:36

Lol! Because extroverts talk about how they feel, their thoughts and what they need and introverts don't!

I think you might need to learn what defines an introvert or extrovert. It has nothing to do with being able to express your feelings, being shy/loud, being reserved, etc. Your comment sounds quite ignorant to be honest.

Original poster
Seline · 02/02/2019 23:37

Busy I have ADHD and look extroverted sometimes too.

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/02/2019 23:38

Yes. They never seem to understand.

I don't think they can. And i think in most cases it's not even malicious. For them it literally is 5 minutes or a drink in an already busy schedule.

I work in a school so by lunchtime I'm touched out, asked out and noised out. Last thing I need is to sit in a room with 20 people shouting,laughing and making small talk. Some are touchy feely too.

Yabbers · 02/02/2019 23:38

Not my experience. I don’t think you can generalise based on your own situation.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/02/2019 23:38

GrinGrin

To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.
bringincrazyback · 02/02/2019 23:40

Couldn't agree more, OP.

Gingerkittykat · 02/02/2019 23:40

I think it's because introverts are generally introspective, we watch people and have had to think about social interactions more than extroverts. I bet most of us have felt like we don't fit in, made to feel weird for wanting to sit and read instead of party so have spent time considering why our behaviour and personality is different from what is seen to be the norm.

UKCA · 02/02/2019 23:41

My Mother the extrovert has FOMO, likes to move lots, loves the drama of human interaction and gossip, I wonder if anyone else noted this drives some extroverts?

Original poster
Seline · 02/02/2019 23:41

Sarcasm yep definitely an exhausted pigeon 🤣

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/02/2019 23:42

The worst is when extroverts arrange to meet up with you but then last minute invite a bunch of other people along and assume you are okay with it.

Urgh my extrovert sister did this the day after I'd given birth to my first child. Visit all arranged, then literally on the doorstep she texts me that shes bringing her friends who I hardly know too. Felt and looked like crap and to top it off my boobs leaked through my top and the friends looked horrified at me like I'd just ate a turd.

Ribbonsonabox · 02/02/2019 23:43

I love parties.. but I need notice to prepare and then afterwards I need about a week seeing no one at all to reset.
When I was younger I'd make the stupid mistake of trying to do two social event in the same week...
I lost friends because I inevitably let people down because I couldn't deal with it and people just thought I didnt care or like them enough to make an effort.

Moononthehill28 · 02/02/2019 23:45

I absolutely hate small talk and social interaction for the sake of it. I prefer to talk to one person at a time about something interesting. I don’t like groups unless I know the people well. As I get older I find it harder and harder to be with other people in social situations. It exhausts me and takes ages to get my energy back afterwards. I absolutely need alone time or i start to feel ill. I’ve got to the point where I just hate having other people stay overnight unless they are close family.

It is very difficult when others who are natural extroverts find me antisocial. I’m not antisocial , just choosy about who I want to spend time with.

Jenwiththecurls · 02/02/2019 23:45

People still tend to confuse extroversion with confidence as well. I once made a passing comment to a friend that I was an introvert and he said ‘don’t be so hard on yourself’. I wasn’t! Grin

You can have supremely confident introverts (Mark Zuckerberg?) and unconfident extroverts (my best mate, who always wants to be surrounded by people and talks constantly but has bad anxiety and worries constantly about her parenting style, whether she’s offended someone... everything)

PikaPikaTink · 02/02/2019 23:45

I've met introverts who are pretty self absorbed and spend all their time judging people who are different to them. I think it just boils down to snow people being arseholes and it's best not to make sweeping generalisations.

I actually think it's a bit false to devide people into extroverts and introverts anyway. Most people I know exhibit traits of both depending on what else is going on with their life and how they feel.

Original poster
Seline · 02/02/2019 23:45

that someone did it to me when id just had an emergency cesarean and was told my baby was likely going to die (thankfully she is okay). I was there waking up with the last thing I remember being the theatre lights before they put me out being told I nearly bled to death and had to have blood transfusions and that one twin was fine but one was critical...

OP posts:
zebakrheum · 02/02/2019 23:46

Because extroverts talk about how they feel, their thoughts and what they need...

Exactly this. How they feel. What they think and need - and perhaps that might mean that they are so caught up in their own lives that they don't always 'get' how other people feel, and why their needs are different.

Mmmhmmm · 02/02/2019 23:46

Agree with the OP. I've met so many extroverts that just can't fathom why I don't want to do...all the things that come naturally to them. It's like some inbuilt blindness in that area.

And the other comment about morning people.

Original poster
Seline · 02/02/2019 23:47

moon I could've written that. Get it completely

OP posts:
pallisers · 02/02/2019 23:49

Exactly this. How they feel. What they think and need - and perhaps that might mean that they are so caught up in their own lives that they don't always 'get' how other people feel, and why their needs are different.

Well the introverts on this thread aren't exactly a shining example of understanding other people's needs and feelings.

Yeah extroverts are shit - is that the point of the thread???

Ribbonsonabox · 02/02/2019 23:49

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter idve not let them in argh!! My mum once phoned to say she had told my uncle he could drop by my house and get something and he said hed be over that day...
I just drew the curtains disconnected my phone and hid until he stopped knocking and went away.... shes not told anyone they can drop by since!!!
I need at least 24hrs notice for visitors. (Unless it's a real emergency)

I sometimes hide in the bathroom if the postman knocks at the door too.... I try not to but I cannot always man opening the door... I'm the same with phones... I dont have a mobile for this reason because I cant handle that level of communication. Do have a house phone but I dont answer it unless someone has emailed or pmed me saying they are going to call at a specific time!

Racecardriver · 02/02/2019 23:50

Maybe it’s because introvert enjoy the things that extroverts enjoy but in moderation while extroverts find the alone time that introverts need unbearable. Introverts are sociable too. Everyone is sociable to sone extent unless there is something wrong with them. But not everyone is solitary.

pallisers · 02/02/2019 23:52

there also seems to be a fairly strong misunderstanding of introversion/extroversion on this thread.

Hiding in the bathroom because the postman knocks at the door is something. But it might be something equally experienced by extroverts and introverts.

Candelabra75 · 02/02/2019 23:53

Introverts quite naturally spend more time thinking, so they have spent more time thinking about why other people are the way they are. Extroverts spend more time talking and doing, and less time thinking in general. Also extroverts are less likely to be interested in introverts as they might think they are quiet and boring and have less to offer. Introverts on the other hand might be intrigued or interested in extroverts so .
Of course, a lot of people don't fall solely into one or the other category. There are a lot of complex people who are loud but thoughtful, quiet but more practical than thoughtful. Personally I don't think of people of introverts or extroverts, just selfish people or thoughtful people!

Scandaloso · 02/02/2019 23:53

It's a thing I see on Mumsnet. People implying introverts are deep thinkers and superior beings whereas extroverts are frivolous and self-centred scrappy-dos.

(I say this as someone who tends towards introversion)

BertrandRussell · 02/02/2019 23:53

Yep. Extroverts are shallow and shit and introverts are cool and interesting and deep.