To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

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Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

How is explaining and enforcement of personal boundaries for well-being rude?

That isn't true! I'm marginally more extravert but I understand introverts of course.

. If you are saying to a friend / relative "I don't want to see you"... What about that isn't hurtful!?

Well I normally say I'm busy, I have plans or explain why it's too much. Or rearrange for another time/place. For example there's no way in hell I'd go out some days ,but if they're willing to come over for a chat that's fine. Or a 2 hour trip on the train is not doable now,but I'm more than happy to do it during half term.

We don't actually go around shouting at people "go away! I don't want to see you!".

I think it's rude for an extrovert to try and insist on making an introvert do something that they're obviously uncomfortable with.

I think that's rude too shodan

I'm an extrovert - I hate surprises and small talk and enjoy being by myself before DP gets home from work. It's me time.

I don't think you understand extroverts (and the fact that we're not all the same).

But then maybe I'm a mix idk

I think sometimes introverts and extroverts can get on well of they just accept each others limitations!

I have a very extroverted friend and she initially kept messaging me several times a day and ringing my phone every other day trying to chat... and I just sat down with her and explained that I was not capable of that level of interaction on a regular basis but that it wasnt because of her and I did value her friendship.

And shes never rang me since, only messages every now and then, but is still my friend and we meet up every few weeks for coffee... we've been friends about ten years! I'm grateful that she just accepted it because I know from her friendships with other people that ideally she likes to chat every day.

I am introverted by nature though you wouldn't guess this by my teaching, addressing meetings and general demeanour. I am not reticent, stick up for myself; a good complainer. I just love masses of downtime, and get lazy socially.

I'm eternally grateful to my lovely and late DH who was on the extrovert side, always organising something new, though to be fair it often involved just we two. Now I think of it, barely a day passed without him texting me, not for reply, just info. I can go for weeks not texting at all.

Like some PPs upthread, I have friends and relatives I don't speak with for months, and pick up the instant we do talk.

I personally think introvert and extrovert is a bit too simplistic, most people have elements of both depending on the context.
I also think generalising people based on which category you deem them to fit into is a bit reductive.

My STBXH is like this. He is the extroverts extrovet. And I can be too....with people I like and want to spend time with and, crucially, when I am in the mood.

He would have a casual works thing, just people meeting after work for a beer, and I would say I wasnt going. He was utterly convinced that if I tried it I might like it. Or karaoke, we are both good singers but I dont want to do karaoke and he loves it. He would nag me rigid to do it becuase of course once I had one I would be hooked. I wouldnt, because I did once and hated it!

I understood his need to be King of the Castle, but he would never get my need to be Wanda Wallflower.

Its not the reason we are divorcing but it is one of the straws on this camels back.

Men dont understand women. Women understand men.
Extroverts are narcissists.
Humans didn't evolve to be the same.

Agreed, sparklesocks. While I'm sure about myself and my DH, I would hesitate to label another person so, not least because I'm aware of how I can appear in working and social life, while being something else in my essential self.

To me introversion feels like a processing "problem". If I've seen someone I need quite some time to process what they said, how I felt about that, what I said and how I felt about that, what they looked like and what the surroundings looked like and how I felt about that. It gives me stress to see someone else till I'm done with all the processing. I cam't hurry it and I can't abandon it. If I must interact with people before I'm done it will take much much longer to process both interactions than if I've processed them one at a time.

echt I would say with close friends and colleague I’m extroverted, enjoy chatting and socialising and having fun.
Bit of course I get tired with small talk and the awkwardness of making conversation when things aren’t flowing easily with new people. It completely depends on the context of that exact scenario.

Not all extroverts are shallow narcistic bullies lacking in empathy. A lot of people appear extrovert to mask crippling anxiety. That person always the first to speak at meetings? Probably feels uncomfortable with silence. The one making inane small talk? Maybe covering up their own social anxiety. The extroverts I know are overly empathetic...worried that people will feel left out or lonely. I agree that once told this they should listen and back off. Anything else is just rude. Please stop bashing a whole raft of people who may be different from you but are also different from each other.

Not trying to say all extroverts are horrible. They just don't seem to accept we genuinely like the quiet.

Not all of them surely? Only the rude ones.

I've found even nice ones rarely accept it, although they aren't arses about it there's still lots of coaxing and genuine bafflement at choosing to not go out. They mean well they think we would genuinely prefer it and enjoy ourselves but it gets quite annoying.

My family are mostly introverts where DHs are almost all extroverts, this happens a lot to us. DH can go either way whereas for me I avoid parties like the plague and people always try to make me go.

Wow, talk about generalisations! Not everyone fits into the classic label of introvert or extrovert - people are unique and have their own ideas about the world.

I would say that, overall, I'm much more introverted than extroverted, but I have plenty of extroverted type friends who are very understanding of what I do and don't like - they're happy to spend time one on one, they don't get offended if I don't want to go to a party with them and they don't spring huge groups of people on me with no warning. I also have other friends who aren't understanding of these things which can be stressful for me, but I get over it.

The world is full of all sorts of unique people. Maybe you are finding it hard to be truly understood because you are too busy labelling yourself and other people to make any real connections. Stop putting everyone into boxes and start seeing people for who they really are, and you may be pleasantly surprised.

You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet

I find extroverts quite needy and exhausting and they are just a few examples of why.

This covers me lol.
I need my down time, some days just going to the shop is too much people, i dont need a huge social life, dont need someone to pop in for coffee
I dont need fixing. Ive been known to throw the damn they clingy and needy in respect to extroverts i know

And as for people being offended when you don't want to see them... Of course they are. If you are saying to a friend / relative "I don't want to see you"... What about that isn't hurtful!?
They need to realise it isnt about them for once. Its about a person needing down time, to recharge. Again, its not about them. Too me not being able to accept a "we can catch up another day" is simply rude and not respecting a persons need for space, its clingy and needy

Being a self diagnosed introvert does not give you a free pass to be rude
Whats rude about saying "not today i need down time for my own mental health"
Its rude to be forced into social situations just cos the extrovert cant take a simple no not today

I'm quite introverted. However I'm confident, social, am very good at small talk, love going out in groups and can do presentations and love going out for a drink and partying.
But after I've been with people I need to rest! I love my own company and sometimes I don't go out the whole day unless absolutely necessary and I don't want to see anyone.
I hate talking to people on the phone unless I'm in the right frame of mind.
I'm a very good listener and can read people very well.

I personally think introvert and extrovert is a bit too simplistic, most people have elements of both depending on the context.

I agree. But in threads like this it's always the poor, noble introverts V the aggressive extroverts.

@PyonyangKipperbang your post for me clarifies the answer to the OP's question nicely: extroverts are consistent where introverts are inconsistent.

Many posters saying it depends on their mood as to whether they want to see people that day and everyone is supposed to accept this flipflopping or be branded needy and clingy.