To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

Surely thats their issue if they refuse to accept some people just don't like parties?

We've had similar issues. DHs relatives think I hate them because I don't get involved in the social calendar. I've told them repeatedly that I don't hate them and that I just like my privacy but they refuse to acknowledge this. No longer my issue as far as I'm concerned.

DHs relatives think I hate them because I don't get involved in the social calendar.

Genuine question, would you never go out of your way and feel uncomfortable just occasionally to socialise with his family to have some sort of relation ship with them? Once a year say at Christmas for a few hours?

Not being goady, just interested.

You’d have to be pretty bloody insensitive not to realise that repeatedly turning down invitations might make people feel unliked!

Jennifer

Yes and I do occasionally. They're just the sort who have an event every week (not an exaggeration) and so I end up turning down lots of invites. I'll go to weddings and birthdays of close relatives.

There is definitely a sliding scale. I'm towards the introvert end. I will chat to the cashier at the supermarket if they seem chatty but I never answer my phone. If I don't know who is at the door I don't answer. But I don't mind being chatty and friendly when I ring call centres.

My mum is classic extrovert and morning person. She is devoid of empathy but I won't connect that to her extrovertiveness. I can't walk three streets with her without having stopped for a chat to at least 3 people. It's exhausting.

“My mum is classic extrovert and morning person. She is devoid of empathy ”
And there we go again!

I agree with everything you have said on this thread Bertrand

Seline

Thanks for answering my question.

My mum is classic extrovert and morning person. She is devoid of empathy but I won't connect that to her extrovertiveness

bertrand if you are going to quote me at least quote the whole sentence.

I don't think being an extrovert means someone's devoid of empathy. That can occur on both sides. There are also multiple types of empathy and people often relate to one type better than the other and can think someone else is uncaring if their type is different. I can't remember what they're called hang on

So if you won’t connect it, why mention it? You might as well have commented on her blond hair or talent for Fair Isle knitting.

And again. Refusing to socialise isn't due to introversion.

Thinking isn't the preserve of introverts either.

Please stop giving introverts a bad name.

Refusing to socialise because you don't like to socialise as you're an introvert is indeed because you're an introvert.

Because my friends are beginning to think that DH doesn't like them.

I tell my friends the OH is a grumpy git and doesn't like people much. No one bats an eyelid,but then again they don't really know him anyways. Some of them haven't even met him.

No idea what he tells his mates.

From experience, extroverts tend to think that anyone who isn't as sociable as they are is 'weird' or 'not normal', and usually nothing will convince them otherwise.

Being on their own for any length of time is anathema to them. Hence they can't understand why anyone would prefer staying at home on their own with a good book/ telly, to going to some party full of people they don't or barely know, and don't particularly want to.
'Come on - it'll be fun!'

They just can't/don't want to accept that some people are perfectly happy with their own company and need 'no people' time the way they need the opposite.

I think we've probably just spent 23 pages demonstrating that nobody understands anyone else very well - introvert, extrovert or somwhere-in-the-middle-o-vert ...

From experience, extroverts tend to think that anyone who isn't as sociable as they are is 'weird' or 'not normal', and usually nothing will convince them otherwise.

Although that's fair enough, what is worse is when they start to bully/harass you into doing things they want you to do. If they'd just accept "no" and leave you alone, that's fair enough. But a lot just can't and make a big deal out of it. A lot of people just have no empathy and refuse to see anyone else's point of view. I though we were in a new era of acceptance of being different, even celebration of diversity, but apparently only if you're "diverse" in ways they want you to be!

Seline

Refusing to socialise because you don't like to socialise as you're an introvert is indeed because you're an introvert.

I think this gets to the heart of the matter. Introverts have a preference not to socialise, but refusing is still a choice.

Saying you don't like socialising because you are an introvert = fine.
Saying you refuse to socialise because you are an introvert isn't.

Well if you don't like it obviously you'll not do it. I'm not seeing the distinction here.

Introverts have a preference not to socialise

Do they? Is that what people think? Then this may be my problem with this thread.

I thought introverts were people who had a preference for processing before expressing, liked to know agendas for meetings, and needed to recharge their batteries by being alone. Many would like socialising in some situations but would need time to recharge afterwards. If socialising in a work situation they would be more likely to chat and listen and think (and come into work with a solution to some work problem the next day )than spontaneously come out with a solution to some work problem while in conversation with colleagues.

I'm a clear extrovert. I like talking to people and get a lot of energy from it. I often don't want to socialise and would prefer to stay home with my book, my dog and my introvert husband who is well able to socialise and drive me crazy by wanting to talk when I want to read my book.

I am an introvert but I happily socialise with like minded friends. Not in groups though.

@Seline I say this respectfully, and not because I'm trying to 'gotcha' you, but you're on a long running thread I follow that is a sort of support group for partners of people with autism. You have contributed to that from the other side as someone who has autism yourself.

Your condition means that you struggle to understand the behaviour and motivations of others, and that you have rather a black/white rigidity of thinking.

You're ascribing lots of your frustrating interactions with others as being due to some rather dubious introvert/extrovert 'rules' and you are coming across as quite inflexible in your argument that your approach (introversion) is 'right' or acceptable, and that others who differ (extroverts) are 'wrong' and annoying. Is it not likely that much of this mutual lack of understanding is due to your autism, and not some pop science theory?

The dreaded work night out is what gets to me.

I can handle a night out once or twice a year but that's it. At my last company they were constantly trying to organise nights out or even Saturday afternoons out. When I would say that it wasn't my thing they would try to organise an activity that was my thing. They just didn't get it. They thought that I would feel left out if I wasn't there whereas I would be pleased that they were having a great time I just didn't want to join in!

In the end I had a bit of a meltdown and explained to them that they were expecting me to socialise with them more often than I socialise with my own family and friends and I didn't want to go to an escape room on Saturday afternoon or even worse bingo on a Tuesday night when it would be time for bed as soon as I got home. But they wouldn't organise anything unless everyone went so you ended up feeling like you were spoiling everyone's fun.

Winnie2019 that’s my idea of hell! Especially the “activity” focus - always feels a bit forced to me - like when people make parties fancy dress to make it “more fun” - what’s wrong with just rocking up and talking/laughing/dancing naturally.

I love time alone...other people are exhausting...i can and do socialise but i thunk alone time is wonderful. I even live alone with dd.