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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just buy myself an eternity ring?

225 replies

changers5 · 02/02/2019 22:20

I told DP I wanted one after DS was born. Not asking him to buy one but hinted. Then hinted at my birthday - he even asked for my ring size. Got chocolates instead. Just had our anniversary (the day we met - we don't want to get married so celebrate this instead). He forgot.

I told him a few weeks ago that I would love one and he just smiled. I honestly thought he was getting me one.

Our son is 2 months old. Should I just buy myself one? Or is that pathetic?

I've never had a thoughtful gift from DP so not sure why I think I'm getting one now...

OP posts:
CurlyTrees · 02/02/2019 23:45

Yes we have plans to get married some day when we are less busy, so that is why we are engaged. Have been together 18 years. We got engaged before we had dc. But marriage isn't a high priority.

But understand the symbolism of rings so we both wear engagement rings

SavoyCabbage · 02/02/2019 23:50

Don't be sad and definitely don't feel worthless. You are disappointed because you thought he was doing something and now you think he's not. You are probably tired, being the mother to a two month old baby and now you feel emotional too.

I really think you need to sit down and talk to your partner and explain to him why this is important to you.

There is a book/theory about love languages that explains that different people need to be shown they are lived in different ways. There was just an episode of 'Fresh off the Boat' about it.

Missingstreetlife · 02/02/2019 23:50

Honestly, practice being more assertive. There is a book I love called a woman in your own right by Ann Dixon. It's old but easy to read, available on eBay and amazon, maybe at your library

mumof2andstillsurviving · 02/02/2019 23:52

@changers5 maybe we should both buy one. My eldest is 11 now and no sign of a ring

grenadezombie · 02/02/2019 23:57

they're typically given on your marriage anniversary or on the birth of your first child.

Yes. By your HUSBAND.

Original poster
changers5 · 02/02/2019 23:59

@grenadezombie does it matter? It's a ring. Society can tell me it is something a husband gives a wife. I'd like one from my partner. Or do I have to abide by tradition my whole life? What's wrong with breaking tradition? Anyway I'm not getting one - so be it.

OP posts:
Togertiger · 03/02/2019 00:05

grenadezombie

Are you 150 years old? 😁

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2019 00:07

Aww you know what would be lovely OP? If you bought yourself a nice locket that you can keep the baby's photo in when you're at work.

I'd prefer that a million times more than any ring.

grenadezombie · 03/02/2019 00:08

Are you 150 years old?

No. I'm 200.

Togertiger · 03/02/2019 00:08

Bloody hell, drag yourselves into the 21st century people. You sound like a right bunch of joy suckers. “Oh you've got to be married to have an eternity ring” ffs! 😂

This is written in English law is it? Or are you just a bunch of wets who have fallen for society’s indoctrination?

OP buy the ring.

MoonxSafari · 03/02/2019 00:08

I used to hate this shit when my DC were tiny. It was like some code for ''my husband loves me more than your husband loves you'' or ''your husband is a tight bastard'' and ''mine is a posh bastard''. Oh god. The tedium of it. SO glad I'm a single parent now tbh. I'd just buy myself a nice cocktail ring from boodles if I wanted to. I don't have the cash to blow three grand on a ring but I've seen some lovely ones on that site. Nothing wrong with treating yourself to something because having a baby is a massive big deal and all the best presents are ''from me, to me'' in my experience.

Bambamber · 03/02/2019 00:09

If you want something to feel close to your child, there is lots of jewellery choices. If you breastfed you can get breastmilk jewellery made. You can get jewellery made with footprints or handprints. I got a charm with a photo of my baby in. Or if you want an eternity ring, just choose one. Whatever you choose, send your partner a link and tell him that it would mean a lot if he got it for you as you feel unappreciated. Subtle hints clearly aren't working, tell him what you want and set clear expectations

MoonxSafari · 03/02/2019 00:10

You're buying yourself a ring OP?!
GOod for you. Don't limit yourself to a traditional eternity ring though. Choose from all of the gorgeous rings out there if you aren't afraid to be unconventional.

justilou1 · 03/02/2019 00:10

People here can be brutal, OP. I’ve been married 16yrs, 3 kids. I complained on here because my marriage is on the skids because of my husband’s total lack of input into his relationship with me. He is notoriously cheap, (and has been told so by his friends also) and was told to put some effort in, as he knows I’m close to walking. He could have bought me some jewellery. He could have bought me perfume. He bought me two ugly teacups and some tea. I drink espresso. I was crucified for being disappointed.

Mamaat50 · 03/02/2019 00:11

grenadezombie
Are you 150 years old?*
No. I'm 200.

That’s a crap retort. I’m embarrassed for you Blush

BertrandRussell · 03/02/2019 00:13

Would it help to know that Eternity rings were invented by De Beers in the 1960s because they had a surplus of diamond chips and needed something to do with them? And that the associated advertising slogan was “You married her for better or worse- show her how you’re doing”? Still want one?

Hellomumsne · 03/02/2019 00:13

I was in the same dilemma with my last relationship except with an engagement ring that never materialised after he proposed (and then changed his mind but didn't update me). I worked myself into such a tizz wondering why he didn't get one and agonising about whether he'd changed his mind. After we broke up I decided I'd get myself one to symbolise my own strength and appreciation of me! 😀

CurlyTrees · 03/02/2019 00:14

Oh op if you are upset about it. Tell your dp directly you want one.

Tell him what you want. It is natural to want your partner to show commitment to you, particularly when you have children as you have become more dependent on him. Talk to him and and tell him this. He is not a mind reader.

Not everyone falls into a traditional pattern of dating, engagement, marriage. We are no longer so tightly controlled by societies and others' opinions so we have this freedom to make other choices or just to fall into situations without making choices. But if you want something within your own personal relationship you need to speak up.

grenadezombie · 03/02/2019 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MoonxSafari · 03/02/2019 00:16

I love this as well. For my 50th maybe

I wouldn't feel any embarrassment that I'd chosen it and funded it myself.

BertrandRussell · 03/02/2019 00:16

Incidentally, I am unmarried but in a relationship that has lasted longer than any of yours. Nothing special about being married. Doesn’t make you a better person.

Thisisouting · 03/02/2019 00:18

I have a necklace with dds birthstone that I bought myself would that be an option? When I wear it now she called it her stone, to me that's much more meaningful than any ring I wear.

Cranky17 · 03/02/2019 00:19

No yanbu, but I think that fact that you have to buy one yourself will make you resent it in the end.. ignore all the marriage comments, I often find people that are married like to feel superior.

Buy yourself something nice, and have a think about whether this Is in a long line of disappointing aspects about your dp or just a blip on his part

CurlyTrees · 03/02/2019 00:21

And sometimes I take gleeful delight in taking my bastard children into churches for weddings and funerals.... knowing that in the past my ancestors suffered by being stigmatised by the church and the community for being unmarried mothers! We don't need to wear that shame any longer.

I am lucky to not have to live under those social norms and that I have a very happy life!

But the important thing is that you are happy and respected within your relationship and that means telling your dp what you need from him.

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