Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just buy myself an eternity ring?

225 replies

changers5 · 02/02/2019 22:20

I told DP I wanted one after DS was born. Not asking him to buy one but hinted. Then hinted at my birthday - he even asked for my ring size. Got chocolates instead. Just had our anniversary (the day we met - we don't want to get married so celebrate this instead). He forgot.

I told him a few weeks ago that I would love one and he just smiled. I honestly thought he was getting me one.

Our son is 2 months old. Should I just buy myself one? Or is that pathetic?

I've never had a thoughtful gift from DP so not sure why I think I'm getting one now...

OP posts:
Chocolatecake12 · 02/02/2019 22:55

I think that by getting yourself a ring you will look at it and remember that it wasn’t your dp who bought it for you rather than looking at it with affection.
Why not buy yourself another piece of jewellery - bracelet or necklace for example to mark your sons birth and to have for you when you’re away from him.
If your dp is rubbish with presents you may just have to accept that that’s how he is. You’re unlikely to change that about him.

TheNextCaroleMiddleton · 02/02/2019 22:55

OP sorry you are upset. Completely get why you would want a ring and not weird to get one yourself. It’s lovely to have something that reminds you of your DC when they are not in your company (ie at nursery when you are at work).

Highonthehill · 02/02/2019 22:56

Buy him shit presents.... pair of socks and pants.... he might get the hint then.

OhMickeyWhatAPity · 02/02/2019 22:57

I opened this thread because I thought I was in the same position..... 11 years ago after I had my first child I hinted heavily and my husband told me you get an eternity after the third child. 2nd child had serious problems and almost didn't make it. Third child took 3 years to conceive with a year of fertility treatment, 10th wedding anniversary came and went, even the kids were nagging him to buy diamonds. He won't ever buy the ring - I both accept and resent that. His shit present buying, and this specifically have worn me down a bit and are contributing factors to us splitting up.

I might buy myself a trilogy eternity ring to commemorate my 3 beautiful children though.

pallisers · 02/02/2019 22:59

@MrsRyanGosling15 because I don't like to ask for things outright. Maybe I need to change that but that is my genuine reason. It seems greedy and ungrateful.

It is neither greedy nor ungrateful to ask for what you want. men don't seem to have a problem with that concept but it does seem to be socialised the hell out of women. So many posts on here worrying about being ungrateful or or selfish or greedy or complaining when the posters just want a particular thing or want to please themselves in some way. What is wrong with that?

Years ago I had to have my husband coach me to ask for a promotion. We are both professionals, equally educated, equally confident, equally intelligent. it was eye-opening to me how he would stop me saying things like "I understand that not everyone can be promoted" or "I love working for you and...". He boiled me down to "I contributed xyz. I want to be promoted to X position. I am qualified for it because of ABC?" I got the promotion.

So in your case, OP, presumably he is a nice decent guy whom you like and love and who is generally good to you - just shit with presents.

Sit him down and tell him you want a piece of jewellery to show how much he appreciates you. Show him the one you want and tell him to buy it.

As you are at it tell him you have done a great job during pregnancy, giving birth and minding your baby - it isn't easy and you would like him to understand and show you that he appreciates you even if it is a heartfelt message on a card.

category12 · 02/02/2019 22:59

OP, you can't expect anything to change with your partner if you're too scared of looking "greedy or ungrateful" to express your emotions & actual needs. Ok, nobody needs a ring, but this is about him not making an effort and raising your hopes only to not bother. I think him asking you your ring-size and stuff was just unpleasant if he wasn't going to follow through.

Papergirl1968 · 02/02/2019 23:01

I think it's sad that DP won't get you one, but that you're perfectly entitled to get your own. They symbolise eternal love, so look at it as the eternal love a mother has for her child.
I actually had an emerald eternity ring for my 18th birthday, which I chose myself and paid for with money gifted by family.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 02/02/2019 23:04

If you want it (and I understand wanting to have a reminder of your child with you always) then buy one. But for the love of all that's holy, stop spending so much on your partner's birthday when all you get is chocolate!
Use the money you'd spend on his next birthday for a nice ring, and give him a bloody Toblerone!

RelaisBlu · 02/02/2019 23:05

My DH gave me an eternity ring on our 25th wedding anniversary. I don't think he gave me anything of that sort when our 3 DDs were born (a long time ago now so my memory's a bit hazy!)

Fusioluxe · 02/02/2019 23:07

People don’t stay together as long these days. Eternity rings for wedding anniversary gifts is a bit outdated according to my friends dh who is a jeweller!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 02/02/2019 23:08

OP, if you are still reading, I think that you need to look more closely at your relationship's problems - all your feelings have become centred on this ring but the real issue is that he doesn't seem to appreciate you or make as much effort as you do.
Now, he might be perfect and just shit at present buying (some people just are) or he might be taking you for granted and not bring supportive generally. Forgetting your anniversary is a big deal and you need to talk to him and find out what he's playing at. Chocolate as a present shows no effort or thought imo (unless it's being bought for someone who has made it clear it's their present of choice). This lack of effort is what you need to address and decide if you really want to stay in a relationship where he seems to not value you.
Lots of people have expensive rings and rubbish relationships - buying a ring doesn't equate to love, but bring thoughtful and putting some effort in does.
You can't go through life scared to talk to him about what really matters.

Beeziekn33ze · 02/02/2019 23:08

TinkiesWinky - I like your style 🤣

JaceLancs - Sorry he didn't get 'eternity' but sure your DC will always be there for you 🌟🌟

Wonkypalmtree · 02/02/2019 23:10

Don’t buy it yourself. I have a beautiful, full diamond (all the way around) eternity ring in the cupboard upstairs, bought with my money, from my ex. His heart wasn’t in it. He earned loads more than me but it took a windfall for me to get it. If he can’t do this for you then question your communication and relationship

BumbleBeee69 · 02/02/2019 23:14

You want him to care enough to take the initiative and go buy one for you himself, unfortunately it doesn't sound like it's going to happen. Hmm

Alpacanorange · 02/02/2019 23:14

I do not think yabu to expect your dp to listen and be attentive to your dreams and desires, it’s a ring and not beyound the realms of reason for him purchase one if he knows it would make you happy. That is what loving caring people do, if he is normally kind and you have no other issues perhaps he feels backed into a corner??

WarmthAndDepth · 02/02/2019 23:14

Wow!
OP, Flowers please buy yourself the ring you want and don't let others police what jewellery you are or not supposed to wear dependent on your marital status or any other weird criteria. It is a piece of metal and you can give it whatever significance you want, no jewellery has an inherent meaning. I'm unmarried 'on purpose' yet still wear what would be considered a very traditionally weddingy ring on my left ring finger. Because design and location actually mean nothing other than the meaning you ascribe it. Others may make assumptions but that's up to them. Anyone who knows me knows I have always been ideologically critical of marriage as an institution.
The tone of this thread is just weird and people are being unnecessarily sharp with the OP.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 02/02/2019 23:16

OP it sounds like you feel unappreciated by your partner.

And you want an eternity ring.

But an eternity ring is a symbol of commitment to your partner for life, which is why it usually follows marriage.

Why do you want an eternity ring to celebrate a union with someone you don’t feel valued by?

GemmeFatale · 02/02/2019 23:17

@curlytrees I don’t get how you’re engaged if you don’t plan to marry. An engagement is just a marker of intent to marry (comes from the French engager - essentially ‘to pledge’) without the intent of marriage what are you actually pledging?

Or do you just mean you intend to marry at some point but haven’t booked the specifics yet?

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2019 23:20

From a long term engaged mother with children Smile and no plans to get married.

You're not engaged though Confused

RitaConnors · 02/02/2019 23:35

Warmth, it's all right saying that a piece of jewellery has no meaning other than the meaning you ascribe to it, but the OP wants her partner to give her an eternity ring and it doesn't look like he wants to. He's ascribing some meaning right there.

PositiveVibez · 02/02/2019 23:35

Sorry to say it but, you're his 'for now'. Not his 'forever'

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 02/02/2019 23:35

To be clear I'm not saying don't buy a ring. Go out & buy a beautiful fuckoff piece of jewellery because you're worth it and to celebrate the birth of your child.

Just don't think of it as an eternity ring to celebrate an eternal relationship with your right-now-not-so-dear partner.

Original poster
changers5 · 02/02/2019 23:36

I feel so pathetic to be honest. Don't even know why I'm crying over it. I guess I just feel completely worthless and feel like it this is the example my DP sets that my son is going to be exactly the same. I feel sad and may be catastrophising, but I honestly just feel so worthless.

OP posts:
Candelabra75 · 02/02/2019 23:40

Some men are really really shit at buying presents. Often they are also men who are loyal, kind, loving and honest. They are men who value actions and intentions more than gestures.

Buy yourself the things you want or tell him what to buy you, and forget those romantic ideas of men buying you thoughtful presents that represent their love for you. It's a bullshit myth fuelled by the advertising industry.

You might find if you discuss it honestly with him, that he doesn't really care for the gifts that you buy him, or value them in the way you think he should. You could both save yourselves a lot of money and stress by being honest. Me and DH don't really bother with presents now, when we do we don't expect like for like or compare each others presents. I like shopping, he doesn't. I like flowers and luxury items, he likes practical things. Why punish and second-guess each other 2 or 3 times a year and still be disappointed?!

JustHereForThePooStories · 02/02/2019 23:45

If you see jewellery as a sign of commitment, you appear to be barking up the wrong tree with the boyfriend you’ve chosen.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.