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Original poster

To set house rules for DH's friend?

200 replies

Greywalls12 · 28/01/2019 18:28

DH's friend has been kicked out of his mums house and is currently staying in a friends shed with no heating, electricity, water or anything.

His friend is only 22 so fairly young, me and DH are only a couple of years older.

He's been kicked out several times before, but I've only got his friends account of the reasons why. This time it was because he didn't turn up to work on one of the days he was meant to be in.
DH and his friend work for the same company and their boss is actually a relative of mine, so i know for a fact this has been an issue in the past with him not turning up to work, and he has been fired from his current employment previously, although he is still employed at the moment.
DH has said to me we will give him a couple of weeks to find a room to rent somewhere and save the money for this and regardless of whether he's found somewhere or not, he needs to leave.

I'm concerned that this isn't going to happen and he'll be here for months and months, and I'm also 8 months pregnant so although I'm not fond of the idea of him staying here at all, i of course don't want to see him living in a shed/on the streets.

So would it be UR to set some house rules for him staying here?
I know he also smokes weed, me and DH do not do drugs at all and it is not something i will tolerate in the house so that's the first big one.

I also don't really want to charge him rent or ask for money, but money is tight enough for me and DH and I'm worried about the extra water etc, but I'm sure it would be fine if it was only for two weeks.

Has anyone got any advice or any experience on this? I want it to be as stress free as possible, and don't want to feel like a stranger in my own house cause DH's friend will be here!

Apologies for the long post!

OP posts:
tilligan · 28/01/2019 18:32

You have absolutely no obligation to house this guy. The choices he’s made have resulted in him becoming homeless- his problem, not yours.
You need to put yourself and your unborn baby first now, tell your husband that his mate won’t be moving in with you!

Original poster
Greywalls12 · 28/01/2019 18:34

I know I have no obligation, I just feel bad for the guy that he's in a shit situation and would like to think if it was me in that situation, my friends wouldn't want to see me homeless

OP posts:
CherieBabySpliffUp · 28/01/2019 18:34

There's no way at 8 months pregnant I would want him staying. Is it too late to back out?

Blondebakingmumma · 28/01/2019 18:35

I wouldn’t take him in. The timing is too bad with baby coming soon. You don’t need this stress atm.

Original poster
Greywalls12 · 28/01/2019 18:36

I feel like I can't say no, i also don't want to see him living in a shed, that's no way to live!!

DH is having a chat with him now about it all, then they're going to get his stuff and come back here

OP posts:
SnappedandFartedagain · 28/01/2019 18:38

I would have said yes until you mentioned the 8 months pregnant part. Absolutely no way in hell would I be housing anyone when pregnant with a baby about to arrive at any time. Don’t even think about doing it!

Rainbowshine · 28/01/2019 18:38

There’s other friends that don’t have the same pressure you have right now. You and baby come first, do not feel bad for not giving him a bed —and being gullible to his poor me sob story—.

Rainbowshine · 28/01/2019 18:39

Strike through fail!

SnappedandFartedagain · 28/01/2019 18:40

He doesn’t have to live in a shed - he could get local lodgings or house share today if he wanted to.

Original poster
Greywalls12 · 28/01/2019 18:41

I don't think he has any savings at all, hence the not going straight into a house share.
DH also said he thinks he's well into his 1000 overdraft

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/01/2019 18:41

Look, his own mother's chucked him out several times. You know that that means he must be a bloody nightmare to live in. She's even kicked him out of her shed!

If you take him in for a couple of weeks, he'll still be in the same situation then. You're not helping him by taking him in now if it's not going to be a permanent home.

Put yourself and your baby first. You have a month to go - don't spend it with a guy like that.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 28/01/2019 18:43

If he was the sort of person that followed house rules, he'd probably have a house to be in.

At 8 months pregnant you have bigger fish to fry. Wait until pregnancy insomnia hits and you can't go and watch telly in case you wake him up. And then he's eaten all the snacks. And then he's listening to you in labour. And then you're ready to come back from hospital and he won't leave.

BrilliantDarling · 28/01/2019 18:44

I doubt he'll have to sleep in a shed, I really wouldn't be surprised if it's just a sob story to get you to say yes

CloserIAm2Fine · 28/01/2019 18:45

You’re 8 months pregnant! This guys repeated bad choices are not your problem and I really think you should be putting yourself and your baby first here. He’s in this situation because he repeatedly makes shit choices, it’s not down to bad luck (I’m NOT saying only people who make bad choices find themselves homeless), if his own mum is kicking him out that should give you an idea of what a nightmare he is to live with.

Skinandbones · 28/01/2019 18:45

I know in the town where I live there are several groups that support the homeless. They help them get somewhere to live and support them. There are also reminders posted that when the weather is like it is today that emergency shelters open. It might be worth having a look and seeing if there is anybody who can help you with your friend.

Weezol · 28/01/2019 18:45

You need to put yourself and your unborn baby first now, tell your husband that his mate won’t be moving in with you!

Your instincts are correct. I think it would be very difficult to get rid of him once he's got his feet under the table. Even if he isn't allowed to smoke weed in the house, he will still have weed in his possession at your address.

This next bit is quite harsh, but it does happen.

Suppose he ends up in debt to his dealer - they will turn up at your house demanding payment. Imagine a neighbour calls the police and the police turn up. On discovering what's gone on, the policr may well lodge a Safeguarding concern with Social Services as there is a baby in the household. Social Services will then be obliged to open a file on your family and will come out to check on your child.

Instead, you could say no to this 22 year old who has worn out his welcome everywhere else. If he can't keep a job, wastes his money and drifts around waiting for someone to freeload off, how is he your problem?

At 8 months pregnant, you and your child are the absolute priority here and DH must put you first.

TL;DR No bloody way do you let him stay.

ChristmasFlary · 28/01/2019 18:47

He won't be gone in a couple of weeks. I think you're both very foolish to have agreed to this with a child on the way.

It's very likely he will smoke weed in your house as he doesn't seem to comply to rules i.e his job.

I really do not like the sound of this and l think you will regret it and be living with the consequences of it for a long time

Chamomileteaplease · 28/01/2019 18:48

Yes for god's sake set the house rules NOW, tonight. Tell him these are the conditions that he is allowed to stay - then ask him if he accepts them.

Hint at nothing. Be very very clear.

You must also be very very clear that even if he has nowhere to go, he must leave in two weeks' time.

He sounds a nightmare and I don't envy you.

Lweji · 28/01/2019 18:48

He needs to go to the council and ask for emergency accommodation.

I wouldn't have him, just from your OP.

Duchessgummybuns · 28/01/2019 18:49

Careful OP, once he gets his feet under the table it’ll be hard to get rid of him.

At 8 months pregnant I think you’re mad to even consider it personally.

Miane · 28/01/2019 18:50

At 8 months pregnant offer rent free house room to a drug using lay about whose own mother is fed up with him?

Nooooooooooooooooooooo

Not a chance in hell.

If you are all early twenties there must be other friends who could offer him a sofa or other members of his family to support him.

It’ll be a nightmare and you’ll struggle to get him to leave.

Chickychoccyegg · 28/01/2019 18:50

I would've refused outright, but since you're keen to help, set very specific rules: an actual date he needs to leave by, contributing to food costs, no drugs/,smoking in the house, tidying up after himself and any other rule you want enforced.
you don't need any additional stress or work while 8 months pregnant, so 1st sign of him taking the piss you must tell him to leave.
good luck!!

cheesydoesit · 28/01/2019 18:52

No way, completely agree with PPs. You will regret this and it will end badly. Even without the drug issues and bad living habits, you are about to give birth to your (I assume) first child and your world is about to be turned upside down. The last thing you need is someone else getting in the way and from what you have written he sounds like a huge hindrance. Yes, DH is being thoughtful of his friend's predicament but right now he should be more concerned with you and the baby.

Lweji · 28/01/2019 18:52

By all means have him tonight.
Tomorrow your DH takes him and all his stuff to the Council.

cheesydoesit · 28/01/2019 18:54

I am annoyed on your behalf!! It's ridiculous that this has even been put on the table. Say no right now for your own sanity.